Purple Rain
by Dulcedecorumest
Summary: This story is set after S4, episode 7. Robin and Barney's relationship evolves into something new entirely. A little comedy, a little more angst, gotta have the Bromance! I suck at summaries. Rated M to be on the safe side.
1. Chapter 1

Hi guys! Okay so compared to the rest of y'all I've only recently jumped on the HIMYM, BroTP, NPH bandwagon. I got HIMYM Season 2, 3 &4 up to ep.4x07 from a friend in February 2009 and now I'm totally addictedessed. I've only ever written fanfic for LOST but I've kinda been losing my mojo on that front. The HIMYM fic idea I toyed with for ages but then I thought that if I did that I'd be betraying my LOST WIPs so I didn't but then this idea just refused to go away over the last few weeks and here it is.

Please RnR and/or email me if you've got anything you'd like to say, I have dialup internet so it makes it pretty darn hard most of the time to be as interactive as I am used to.

I just have to give a shout out to all the amazing HIMYM fic writers out there. I did not think fanfic for a sitcom would work but y'all make it work.

**Chapter 1 - Bros before Hoes  
**

Robin leaned her face on the cool swirled Italian marble tiles and took a deep breath. 'Oh God, I feel like dying… or passing out in a coma… anything to make the regurgitating stop.'

The tiles were making her face tingle and as the cold seeped comfortingly into her skin, Robin placed both her palms on the floor, then brought her hands together to make a pillow as she lay there.

The queasy feeling eventually went away leaving her tired and sleepy. Her eyes drifted shut as she silently cursed herself for drinking all that tequila with Barney last night. What had she been thinking? But Robin knew what she'd been thinking; she'd been thinking that getting drunk with Barney and smoking cigars while they waxed poetical about the multitude of joys to be derived from alcohol would deflect attention away from the fact that they had had sex the day before… again.

"Hey Robin, are you alive in there!?" Ted asked through the closed door.

Robin grunted, irritated by the interruption into her recently gained unstable equilibrium.

Ted knocked on the door, "Robin!"

Robin rolled over onto her back and scowled at the ceiling. It didn't help that her ankle-length purple silk dress had now tangled around her legs.

"Yeah, I'm alive! Just got alcohol poisoning that's all." She yelled at the door.

She waited for the sound of his retreating footsteps and when she didn't hear them she groaned in frustration as she sat up. She looked around the beautiful hotel bathroom and dragged herself up to her feet, holding onto the edge of the sink when her world tilted crazily. After a few deep breaths, the room stopped turning and she ran the cold water faucet splashing icy water on her face. Opening her purse, she pulled out the mini-mouthwash bottle she'd bought at Shoppers Drug Mart, gargling the minty flavoured liquid. The water was still running as she scooped up some water into her hand and chucked it into her mouth. Rinsing that out, she shut the faucet and blotted her face with a facial tissue. She dabbed her lips with gloss and made a face at her pale reflection. Pulling her shoulders back she turned towards the door and unlocked it to find Ted still standing there.

"Are you okay? You look like shit." Ted said as his eyes raked her slightly swaying form.

"Thanks Ted, I try."

Robin pushed past him and started walking back to the reception hall where Marshall, Lily, Barney and bunch of people from GNB were celebrating. Ted raised his eyebrows at her comment, following her at a more sedate pace.

"What is this party for anyway?" Robin tossed the comment over her shoulder.

"I think the technical term is 'Team Spirit Party', one of those euphemisms Corporate America uses to make itself feel better for still paying a select few ridiculously high salaries while hundreds and thousands of people are being made redundant and losing their homes." Ted explained.

He nearly knocked Robin over as she hung back in the entrance way, the lights were very bright and she was still a little unsteady after her recent trip to Bile Central. He placed a hand on her arm and she shook her head to try and fight off the vertigo.

"Wow, you are really in bad shape."

"Shut up Ted and help me walk to our table." Robin snapped.

Ted complied steering her towards the rest of the group.

He pulled out her chair and she sat down with a graceless thump.

"You okay there Scherbatsky?" Barney teased her with a quirk of his lips.

Robin narrowed her eyes at him, he was wearing a black tuxedo and sapphire blue and black tie that was doing incredibly flattering things to his eyes. Unlike her, his skin was giving a slightly golden glow and his cheeks were slightly flushed from all the Scotch he'd been drinking tonight.

"If hurling for five minutes straight is ten on the okay scale, I'm a solid twenty."

Barney's left eyebrow went up with amusement. Marshall, Lily and Ted moaned in disgusted sympathy.

"Not my fault you can't handle your tequila, Canada."

"Oh it's totally your fault and if you value your Barnacle Junior you'll keep that smug smile off your face or I'll have to give you some-are teeth." Robin threatened.

"Whatever Scherbatsky, I saw your idea of fighting before stupid Ted broke it up – Thanks Ted - and I am not worried." Barney retorted.

Robin balled her hands into fists on the table and made as if to stand, Lily grabbed Robin's arm and put her left arm around Robin's shoulders.

"Okay, okay that's enough. This is Marshall's first GNB office party and I really don't want you guys to ruin this for him." Lily warned in her best kindergarten teacher voice.

"Barney, seriously reconsider what you're about to say or do or as Slap Bet Commissioner I'll invoke a special order for Marshall to slap you."

Barney's face drained of all color and he glared at Lily. Robin smiled at him brilliantly.

Ted rolled his eyes and started to say something but was interrupted by a petite curvy redhead in a figure hugging Gucci black dress when she tapped him on his shoulder.

"Mr. Stinson says you're an architect."

He turned with a charming smile in place, "Yes I am."

"I'm a structural engineer and I've got this project I'm working on, the architecture team we had quit and our plans are only half done, and I don't mean to ruin your evening but do you think I could pick your brain on some things?"

"Ted. Ted Mosby… architect." He extended his hand to her.

"Pleased to meet you Ted Mosby, I'm Shona Dempsey."

"The pleasure is all mine Shona… and I'd love to answer any questions you've got for me why-"

"Don't you guys go and discuss Shona's project somewhere a little less noisy than our table?" Barney interrupted.

They both turned to look at him and then Ted nodded while Shona gestured for him to stand up.

"Okay. We can go over to my table in the corner." Shona suggested cheerfully, tucking her arm into Ted's, she led him away from the group.

Barney chuckled to himself as he took a sip of Scotch. Robin dropped her head into her hand. While Marshall and Lily nudged each other as they watched Ted and Shona.

"Ooh I love this song, let's go dance!" Marshall exclaimed as Frank Sinatra started to croon Moon River over the sound system.

The two of them ran off to go join the other couples on the dance-floor, jarring the table sharply as they went. Robin jerked upright, startled, and felt her stomach heave in protest.

She shot Barney a murderous glare.

"What?"

"How come I'm hurling my guts out while you're looking like that!?" She waved a hand in his general direction.

"Like what Scherbatsky?" Barney asked his tone knowing.

"Like you're about to step onto the red carpet." She made a face as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

Barney tried very hard not to laugh.

"Please Scherbatsky, B-Man don't do green at the gills, whenever I'm hung-over, I just become more awesome-"

"Oh _shut up_!" Robin snapped impatiently.

Barney had to swallow the laughter bubbling up inside him.

"And don't you dare laugh at me!" Robin ordered with a rigid forefinger.

"Wow you're a mean post-drunk."

"Thanks to you."

"Hair of the dog that bit you Robin… come on, you know that!"

"I didn't have time for hair of the dog, this network called me at 8 o'clock in the morning and they wanted me to interview at nine thirty… I was not gonna go for my interview with my breath reeking of tequila."

Barney put down his now empty glass and signalled to the waiter before looking back at her sympathetically. She really did not look well. Sighing with a martyred look on his face he got up from his seat across the table and moved to sit in Lily's seat.

"Alright Scherbatsky, I'll take some of the blame and in the spirit of the Team Spirit we are feting tonight, I'll let you lean on me."

He put his arm around her in a move that was reminiscent of the night when their friendship and the entire group dynamic had been sent careening into outer space. Robin gratefully turned her face into his shoulder and sighed miserably, her right arm snaked under and her left over his arm effectively trapping him.

"I'm wrinkling your tux." She observed.

"Yes. Yes you are Scherbatsky, just know that this is a one time only thing, never to be repeated."

"Okay." She said in a soft voice laced with sarcasm.

"Okay." Barney echoed, his attention distracted by all the memories that came flooding back from the innocent contact.

'Way to go and leave yourself exposed Stinson.' Barney thought to himself as he realized that it was far too early in the evening for their pose not to draw attention.

The waiter brought Barney another Scotch and set a bottle of water in front of Robin. He winked at Barney and went to the next table. Barney grabbed the whiskey and downed half its contents in one gulp. His muscles wanted to slam the glass down but out of consideration for Robin he set it down gently. The undiluted drink burned its way pleasantly down his throat and he enjoyed it with perverse satisfaction.

He looked around the room and observed Ted and Shona deep in conversation, Ted's body language told Barney that his friend was halfway towards convincing himself that Shona might be the one. He rolled his eyes in disgust. That boy just refused to learn, get some and get gone! What was the point of being Ted's wingman if the guy just refused to adhere to the rules? Barney tried not to think about one glaring example of his own breaking of the rules. Sleeping with his bro's ex, having feelings for his bro's ex, occasionally having sex with bro's said ex. So maybe it wasn't one example but three examples. He winced at that thought. What would Ted do if he found out that Barney and Robin had been breaking the code with increasing frequency over the last two months? And what did said continuous yet sporadic breaking of the code even mean?

"Stop fidgeting." Robin ordered, her words muffled into his shoulder.

"The waiter brought you some water Scherbatsky, take a sip or you'll hurt his feelings." Barney cajoled, as he opened the bottle for her.

"No… sleepy." She mumbled drowsily.

Barney looked down at the sable tresses that were spilled over his shoulder and front, gently tickling his neck and chin. Her right arm was resting on his thigh and torso, creating a warm and pleasant heat.

'She's like a cancer spreading all over my body. She's going to devour me and leave nothing left.' He mused, catching himself as he leaned down to inhale the scent of her coconut shampoo wafting up at him in small invisible clouds. He grimaced and jolted his shoulder up, forcing her to sit up on her own. She looked around confused.

"Alright, Jeez Scherbatsky how's the B-Man supposed to get himself a lil' somethin' somethin' if you're adorning my shoulder like a mink coat?" He complained.

"Maybe the B-Man should have thought about that before he offered me his shoulder to lean on!" She snapped.

"I didn't think you'd set up shop there!" He snapped back.

"Screw this, I'm going home." Robin said as she tried to stand up.

Barney grabbed her arm before she lost her balance and fell. As soon as she was steady she wrenched it out of his grip and snatched up her purse.

"I hope you go home with a skanky ho and she gives you syphilis!" She hissed at him before she stalked off.

Barney stared after her dumbfounded by her outburst. He looked over at Ted who was being led out of the room by Shona. His bro gave him a thumbs up and Barney smirked despite himself. He looked at his whiskey and drained his glass before getting up himself to follow Robin.

-----------------------xxxxxxxxxx------------

Robin was practically running out of the hotel. 'What the hell was that?' Had she really almost fallen asleep on Barney Stinson's shoulder in front of a couple dozen people!? And more importantly, why had he let her do that in the first place? One of Barney's unspoken but iron-clad rules was not to let any kind of emotional, Marshall and Lily type of behavior impede him on his pioneer trail of awesome womanizing. So why had he done something so considerate as to let her rest her head on his shoulder and practically cuddle him in public? And at a work function no less?

The concierge opened the door for her with a worried look and she understood why when she stepped outside and felt the icy New York air wrap itself around her. Shivering she stepped back into the hotel and walked back the way she came, she'd forgotten her coat and it was too cold for her to stand outside and hail a cab in her sleeveless silk dress.

Barney walked towards her holding her faux fur coat in his hand and wearing a tentative smile.

"I know you're from Canada but you're a New Yorker now Scherbatsky, you're no longer used to cold the levels of the Great White North."

Her teeth chattered against her will as she accepted the coat, and hurriedly put it on. She did not notice that she had shunned his conciliatory helping hands. He recovered quickly, putting his arm through hers and leading her towards the foyer.

"Come on let's get out of here. I've got a sick bro that needs to get into bed and sleep off her hangover."

Robin was too grateful for the support and added body heat he provided to snap one of the many hostile remarks hovering on the tip of her tongue.

-------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxx--------------

She had not meant to but by the time they got to Ted's apartment, she was soundly asleep on Barney's shoulder, curling herself into him like she had done earlier but this time her knees were nudging his thigh as she had tucked her legs underneath her. Barney forced himself to think about that disastrous limo ride on Ted's birthday. His right fist clenched so hard his knuckles were white as he fought the urge to rest his cheek on the top of her head.

Barney paid the cab driver and then gently shook Robin awake, she mumbled in her sleep and curled into him even more, refusing to wake up. Barney really wanted to get her into the apartment so he could escape to the bar and maybe find himself a leggy brunette bimbo to slake his desires on without the catastrophic repercussions that came attached to Robin. So after a few more futile attempts he lifted her out of the cab and carried her upstairs. She did not notice snuggling into his arms and murmuring incoherently.

When he dropped her unceremoniously on the bed, her eyes opened instantly and she looked around, taking in her surroundings in bewildered surprise. Barney was taking her spiky five inch heels off her feet with a grim set to his mouth. His shoulders and entire body were tensed as if he was preparing to sustain a physical attack.

"Barney?" Her voice came out husky.

"Just helping a bro out… here put on your pyjamas, I'll wait in the living room." He finished off curtly thrusting the clothes at her like their very existence offended him.

Robin tucked her hair behind her ear and clutched at the night-wear in a dazed state, her mind was working at a sluggish pace and she could not process all the different thoughts and questions running through her mind.

"How did we get here?" She finally managed to ask, but Barney had already left, shutting her door with a passive aggressive click.

"Okay, weird." Robin said to herself as she got out of her coat and dress and put on her pyjamas.

When she joined him in the living room he was standing in the kitchen sucking back a beer like a man dying of thirst.

"Thanks for bringing me home Barney." Robin's voice was soft and tentative.

Something was going on here and her hung-over brain was just not up to figuring out what exactly was eating at him.

He set the beer down and gave her a half-hearted smile, "No problem, Scherbatsky… Now go brush your teeth so I can tuck you in, get down to the bar and get myself a hot, tart nightcap. What up?"

Robin frowned at him but went to the bathroom and did what she was told. When she was done Barney was waiting by her bedroom door to open it for her, which he did with a gallant bow. A dull headache started to throb, sending ripples through her brain as she tried to decipher what the hell was going on. So she put it all away and decided to think about it tomorrow.

She pulled the covers back and got into bed; Barney pulled the covers around her and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You want me to tell you a bedtime story?"

"I'm hung-over Barney not terminally ill."

"Please Scherbatsky, B-Man only tells dirty stories, if you were terminally ill the last thing I'd do is tell you a bedtime story 'cause you'd go into cardiac arrest."

"No Barney I don't want you to tell me a bedtime story."

"Okay your loss."

"Naturally."

Barney got up abruptly and walked to the door, "Night Sherbatsky, I trust this makes us even on the whole lame blame Barney for your light-weight Canadian low alcohol tolerance schtick?"

"Yep, I'd say we're even, now go get yourself a night cap and make sure you lock the front door, I don't think Ted'll be back tonight."

"Hope not, I used some special wingman skills hooking that shit up while he was out playing nursemaid to you in the bathroom."

"Goodnight Barney." Robin said emphatically, turning away from him and closing her eyes.

He smirked at that and closed her bedroom door. He strode out of the apartment and locked the door with the spare key Ted didn't know he had had made years ago.

As soon as he stepped away from the door Barney felt the constricting and very confusing feelings that had threatened to suffocate him since he'd carried Robin upstairs, dissipate. He really needed to go get himself some strange, erase the memory of the most awesome woman he had ever known writhing beneath him and screaming out his name like it was the secret password to get into heaven.

**THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY**

"_How's the job hunt going Sparkles?"_

"_Its not and don't call me that."_

"_Well I got something that will make you feel better than all those other unemployed losers."_

"_What?"_

"_Me."_

"_No way Barney, we're not doing that again."_

"_Come on Scherbatsky, I know you want to."_

"_That's not the point __**Stinson**__, last week in Marshall and Lily's elevator, we nearly got caught."_

"_Please… as if that didn't turn you on even more."_

"_No."_

"_Hmm."_

"_What do you mean hmm… and what are you doing?"_

"_You said we weren't doing __**that**__ again you never said that I couldn't slide my hand under the waistband of your sweats."_

"_I guess… I. didn't."_

"_Seriously Canada what's with the sweats, remember the first rule of being awesome is to suit up."_

"_Even while I'm at home, unemployed and unsuccessful in the job hunt?"_

"_Yes."_

"_**Oh my God**." _

"_**I know**."_

"_How do you know just where and how to touch me?"_

"_Please. I'm the most awesome person you know for a reason."_

"_Ohhhh! Okay, stop talking and help me get this off you, we've gotta hurry because Ted will be home in twenty minutes."_

"_Get this off you… yeah you did! High five!"_

"_**Barney**!"_

"_Ahh… why don't we go to your room?"_

"_C-c-cause… ohh."_

"_Robin?"_

"_It's more fun this way."_

"_You're a naughty girl Sparkles."_

"_Sparkles… you're going to pay for that Stinson."_

"_I really,** really** hope so."_


	2. Chapter 2

Okay double post please don't think this will always be the way I roll! But I will try. x

**Chapter 2 - Scotch and Paintball  
**

Robin stood by Ted's bedroom door facing the living room. She couldn't believe she had had sex with Barney on the couch five days ago, and the front door had been unlocked! As soon as they had put their clothes on Ted had burst in with mud all over his clothes running into his room then the shower. Barney had pulled out two cigars from his suit pocket and handed Robin one, she had accepted it without a shred of guilt and they'd proceeded to smoke them while drinking beers as they waited for Ted to come out and share his undoubtedly interesting story on how he'd gotten covered from head to toe in mud.

Then there was the time Barney had waylaid her in the alley behind the bar and hiked her skirt up while he penetrated her from behind. Afterwards the two of them had walked into the bar and listened to Ted tell everyone he was over Stella even though it had only been a week since she had left him at the altar.

How did they have such hot passionate sex one second then slip back into their bros before hoes roles in the blink of an eye? Robin had to admit to herself that unlike the drunken post-Simon break up sex night she was finding it harder and harder to pretend it was just sex. That it wasn't one of her closest friends, well the only friend she had ever had that seemed to just get her. Who was also doubling as her best bed-mate to date?

Where was she going with this train of thought? It wasn't like she wanted to date Barney, and she was pretty sure that he did not want to date her, but she did not want to stop having sex with him either.

Then there was the night of the GNB party when he had been so sweet with her in his own Barney way. That had confused her because there had seemed to be more going on between them than she understood. Were those post-coital feelings that they had yet to indulge somehow spilt over to bro territory that night? But the next day Barney had just been Barney and she had been grouchy unemployed Robin as usual. She raked her hands down her face in frustration, what the hell was going on here? And why was she even Tedding out and being such an obsessive analytical female about it?

The front door swung open.

"Hey Scherbatsky you imitating a tree?"

"Hi to you too Barney."

"What's up, you sounded really weird on the phone?"

Robin let go of the Ted's bedroom door frame and took a step towards Barney.

"I got rejected by three different networks today."

Barney's brow furrowed slightly, "You wanna go get wasted then paintballing?"

Robin smiled and took a step closer; Barney was not so restrained, he closed the gap between them and put his arm around her shoulders.

"I would say we should go to the gun range but the only steel I want you handling with such pleasure and confidence when you're with me is mine."

"Also, I could decide that I really have had enough of all your Canada jokes and use you for target practice." Robin parried sweetly, putting her arm around his waist.

"Careful Scherbatsky you're speeding towards the Vicky Mendoza diagonal." Barney warned as he steered her towards her room.

"No I'm pretty sure that it would be known as the Robin Sparkles tangent."

"Nice. By the way, you should totally make the grey trouser suit with the white silk blouse that is just a little bit see-through your trademark; those networks were crazy not to hire you on the spot." Barney remarked as he cast an appreciative eye over her outfit.

They had entered her room and he shut the door behind him turning the lock in one deft move. Robin raised her eyebrow and smiled seductively at him.

"A friend of mine bought me the suit as a welcome back from Japan present. It's Armani."

"He sounds awesome."

"He is." Robin said indulging him.

Barney approached her and she tilted her head back and put her arm around his neck drawing him closer. Her left hand came up to tug his tie so that their lips could meet in an open-mouthed kiss. The kiss was teasing, exploratory and just pleasurable. After a few minutes they drew apart and looked into each other's eyes. Barney's hand travelled down her back and rested on her butt. He cupped the supple flesh and squeezed briefly, pressing himself against her. She moved her hips against him reflexively, biting her lip at the same time. Barney closed his eyes and bent to kiss her again, he wanted to kiss her so much her lips would be swollen and red. Robin seemed to want the same thing as she kissed him back with equal fervour. They drew away at the same time, breaths rattling. Something in the kiss had changed mid-way and it was like being struck by lightning. What scared them both was that they had both felt it.

"Okay, what the hell was that?"

"An earthquake?"

"In New York City Barney?"

"Yeah."

"Okay that's just-"

"The only plausible explanation as to what happened." Barney said in a slightly panicked voice.

Robin sat down on the bed and nodded her head in agreement.

"Yeah, of course."

She looked up at him and grinned. His chest was still heaving slightly.

"What?"

"You're definitely ready to go."

Barney looked down at the very obvious evidence of his aroused state. He quirked an eyebrow and gave her a lopsided grin.

"Are you?" He challenged.

Robin cocked her eyebrow and got up, she started to undo his tie. When she was done, she undid the zipper on her pants and taking his hand slid it in the gap.

"Feel for yourself."

"Oh Sparkles…" Barney flexed his wrist a little and watched her expressive face.

She bucked into his hand and he pushed her backwards onto the bed, crawling over her while he kept working his hand and fingers. Her lids drifted shut as she bent her legs and strained upwards.

"Take off my shirt.' He ordered her.

Her hands reached up blindly to undo his shirt buttons, he stopped his ministrations forcing her to focus her eyes on him.

"Barney."

"We're gonna try something new here Robin… you're gonna look me straight in the eyes until I say you can look away."

Robin bit her lip and nodded, bucking her hips against him. He started to move his hand again and she kept her eyes focused on his. He smiled at her, and she blinked in surprise. She knew he was attractive and charming but right then and there she wanted to turn away because his beauty was blinding. He leaned down and kissed her, whispering into her mouth that she was free to look away. Robin sucked on his tongue in tandem with the motion of her hips and his hand. Barney groaned, as he strove for control. Seconds later it was all over as Robin climaxed.

He gazed down at her and started to unbutton her blouse, today was different, it was a good different so far and he was not going to question it. There was an opening and today in the bright light of day he was not going to have sex with Robin he was going to make love to her Stinson style. She did not have a prayer.

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Robin was lying on Barney's chest, tracing patterns down his arm, this was not part of the unwritten rules they had written but she did not care. She felt too good, too languorous and satiated to worry about rules. She blushed as she thought about all the things they had done in this bed over the last two hours.

Barney's hand came down to stroke her hair, "One word Sparkles… awesome."

She smiled, pinching his nipple before she lifted her head up to meet his eyes. He yelped but grinned right back at her.

"It really was." She confirmed, moving to lean on her elbow, her face was level with his, her legs still entwined with his.

"It's three o'clock, what do you say we go down to the Paintball Palace we can get a good hour and half in before we join the others at the bar." He suggested.

"Sober?"

"Au contraire my simple Northern friend, I've got my emergency flask that I keep stashed in your kitchen."

Robin chuckled, covering his face with her hand she shoved him backwards.

"Okay but I've gotta shower before we go, I've got some strands of hair that seem to have a product I didn't put in it this morning."

"Yeah you do." Barney chuckled.

Robin rolled her eyes as she got out of bed and wrapped a towel around herself.

"You coming?" She asked as she opened her bedroom door.

Barney's eyes lit up but he shook his head, "If I do that we'll never leave. I'll just shower at my place later." Also he did not want to risk getting caught.

Robin shrugged and went to take a shower.

Barney lay back and smiled up at the ceiling. So far so good, he really hoped that today wasn't an anomaly and they could build on this. To what end he didn't know but he felt so light and happy at the moment he was willing to just be.

'Let's Go To The Mall' started to ring in the room and with a startled glance Barney got out of the tangled sheets and fished the phone out of his jacket pocket. Ted. Barney pressed the ignore button. Then looking around the room his heart started to thud in a panicked staccato as the realities of where he was and what he'd been doing crashed on him. Frantically he started to put all his clothes back on, today had been different from the last 9 times they had done this since Robin had come back from Japan. Today something had snuck in and transformed the whole thing, given it a deeper meaning that had made it impossible for them to just put on their clothes and slip into bro mode. But slip into bro mode they would, Barney was already there, fully dressed and looking like he'd just had a long day at the office. He made Robin's bed, opening the window to air the room then stepped out, leaving the door slightly ajar.

When his phone rang again he was drinking a beer and simultaneously pouring Johnny Walker Red Label into the hip flask he kept stashed in Ted's fondue pot. What a pretentious douche Theodore Mosby could be!

"Hey Ted… what? Yeah … She's in the shower… I don't know, why don't you ask her!? Dude seriously… Okay, that's cool… we're going paintballing, wanna come? Well your loss… yeah we'll see you at the bar… bye!"

"I'll be dressed and ready to go in the next ten minutes I promise!" Robin called out as she half ran half tiptoed into her room.

Barney just shook his head and took a swig of his flask.

------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxx--------------

"What?" Robin asked.

'I was just wondering how you manage to make jeans, a tshirt, boots and coat look like so much more.' Barney thought to himself. Mentally giving himself a slap across the face he pasted his most charming smirk on his face.

"White t-shirt for paintball… isn't it gonna end up looking a little tye-dye?"

"Oh God you're right, why didn't you say something at the apartment?"

"You took so long in the shower if we dallied any longer we weren't gonna get even an hour of game time."

"Well maybe you should have thought of that _before_ you did the thing… with _the thing_!"

"It wasn't my idea for you to do_ that_ in the first place."

"Fine I won't do _that_ next time."

"Please Scherbatsky like its even up to you." Barney scoffed as they walked into the paintball yard swilling Scotch from Barney's flask.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Canada... B-Man don't do re-runs so if you're lucky enough to get another swing – yeah I did – at this… you'll do _that _just out of gratitude. Ow!"

Robin grinned evilly as she whacked him with her paintball gun again.

"It's so on Stinson!"

"Whatever, I'll destroy you out there. And I'll destroy you in the cab on the way to the bar afterwards."

"You wanna bet?"

"Yeah."

"What do I get if I win?"

"Well-"

"A real prize Barney."

"Please, sex with the Barnacle is a real-OW! _Okay_… how about one get out of jail free card?"

"Keep talking."

"If you want or need something be it a kidney, money, sex, a favor, a sexual favor… you can have it. No questions asked or complaints." Barney said getting into her personal space.

Robin rubbed her chin for a second contemplating this then she nodded.

"I'll take it. You're going down"

"Wait, what do I get if I win?"

"A lap dance."

"What kind of lap dance?"

"Any kind… no questions asked."

"Oh this is so on."

"Catch you on the flip side!"

Barney chuckled, "Keanu is actually something, and I'm guessing, the _only_ thing you Canadians have got to be proud of isn't he?"

She feinted as if she was going to hit him with her gun again, he beat a hasty retreat laughing all the way.

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Okay if y'all thought this was crap or OOC please let me know. xxx Dulce


	3. Chapter 3 The AC is where it's at

Shout out to **Nameless and Faceless** as well as **Mondler-Marie**, the fact that you guys are my first two reviewers is well… awesome. And the fact that y'all used words like, "fantastic"," real" and "well done" means a great deal.

I hope you continue to RnR, these two chapters belong to you as your reviews galvanized me to write them so fast.

A/N: I know I've said this is an AU story after 4x07 but let's pretend that it falls in line with the show up until "The Possimpible". That means the "With Benefits" thing also happened and Barney's reactions in the actual episode remain the same. As does the conversations/interactions between Barney and Robin. What doesn't happen is Ted realization that Barney is in love with Robin, let's just have him assume Barney is not feeling losing his bro to Robin. What with the whole Season 3 fallout of Barney and Robin hooking up.

While we're on the subject of what happened on the show and what happens in this fic, "The Stinsons" also played out the way it did on the show.

I think that's it. Enjoy. xx

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**CHAPTER 3**

"Didn't they have overalls at the Paintball Palace?" Ted asked incredulously.

"They did but I was pretty confident about my marksmanship, I only realized my folly after Barney shot me _in the ass_." Robin explained sheepishly.

Lily, Marshall and Ted had been staring at her since she had walked in and sat down at the booth. The hair on the left side of her head had blue and green paint in it, as did the back right hand pocket of her jeans.

"Robin, are you _drunk_?" Lily asked in the same tone Ted had just used.

"Maybe a little… Barney had a flask!"

Marshall shrugged, "Yeah that makes sense."

"So who won?" Lily probed.

Robin beamed at them, "I did!"

Barney set the next round on the table, "Only 'cause I _let_ you."

He slid into the empty space next to her in the booth.

"Uh no you didn't."

"_Yeah I did_."

"What paint ball game were _you_ playing 'cause in the one _I_ played, I won _fair and square_."

"Uh _no you didn't_… if I hadn't agreed to a time out so you could put on the overalls I would have won."

"Well in that case if I hadn't been born with a vagina I would have been the boy my Dad always wanted."

"How does that make _any_ sense?" Barney asked her indignantly.

"_Your_ conditional doesn't make any sense!" Robin's voice went up a notch in frustration.

"_Neither_ one of you is making any sense, now both of you _shut it_ and drink up. Ted was telling us about his second date with Ms. Shona Ferguson." Lily cut them both off.

Robin threw Barney a dirty look which he reciprocated and they both grabbed their glasses of Scotch and took a healthy sip while Ted continued describing his lunch date with Shona. When he started describing how cutely she chewed they both groaned and rolled their eyes. Lily frowned at them slightly, compelling Barney to duck his head a little.

Wendy the Waitress set their burgers in front of them and reassured Ted she was bringing the next round of drinks shortly. Robin immediately dug into her food with Barney swiftly following suit.

"I'm so fucking hungry."

"It's all that physical exertion Scherbatsky…_cheating_ is a tiring gig." Barney added quickly when he saw everyone look at him strangely.

"I _didn't_ cheat."

"You _so_ did."

"_How _is a time-out cheating?!"

"I lost my momentum!"

"Well that's a problem you should discuss with your doctor."

"Oh Canada-"

"_You two_!" Lily chided.

"Us two what?" Barney asked around a mouthful of fries.

"You're being kinda obnoxious." Lily explained.

Robin shrugged as she continued to eat, "Sorry Aldrin… I'm way too drunk on Scotch and victory and satisfaction right now."

"What _kind_ of satisfaction Robin?" Barney's tone was gently mocking, a cocky grin hovering on his lips.

"Satisfaction from _totally_ kicking _your_ ass Barney, I think the score right now is Canada _one_, U.S. of A _zero_." Robin said with an equally self-satisfied grin, she reached for her newly replenished glass and tipped it at him before taking a sip.

Barney sputtered much to the rest of the booth's amusement.

"Mocking America when you're not even a real country, not a smart move Canada, we might have to crush you totally now." Ted warned.

Everyone but Robin chuckled. Stuffing the last of her burger into her mouth, she gave all of them the finger with an evil glint in her eyes.

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"You should go up to the apartment, if that paint totally dries it'll be a bitch to get out."

"Maybe I'll make you get it out, since you basically get to be my bitch for whatever reason I choose." Robin said chirpily.

"Okay you're either too drunk or full of way too much testosterone after our game." Barney said, squinting one eye at her.

"Word play f- Wait… which game are you talking about here?"

"Uh the paintball game?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

They were the only two left at the bar, Marshall and Lily had gone home and Ted had gotten a call from Shona. Barney and Robin were hoping it was a booty call, even if Ted would never admit it.

She shrugged, the action non-committal. Her vision was blurry and she could tell that anymore alcohol would punish her body brutally tomorrow.

"You're right Barney I should go."

He slid out of the booth, switching his glass tumbler to his left hand he held out his right hand to help her stand. His expression and manner were playful but something deeper flashed in his eyes. Robin put her hand in his and let him help her up. She wrinkled her forehead in concentration as she wondered what exactly his eyes were emoting.

"Nice work Scherbatsky you got paint on the booth." He observed.

She looked down at the seat in dismay, forgetting her previous train of thought.

"Oh shit, Carl's gonna kill me!"

Barney chuckled in wicked amusement as he led her out of MacLarens and out onto the street. Robin swayed slightly, linking her arm through his as they walked up the front steps. Barney still had the glass of Scotch in his hand. They got to the apartment and unlocked the door.

"Ted's not back yet." Robin observed; the statement was left open for him to interpret an invitation if he wanted.

Barney led her straight to her bedroom and stood her by the bed.

"No he isn't, but I'm tired and going home to my own bed, I missed out on work this afternoon and I got a project with the Venezuelans I gotta finish up."

She gave him a regretful smile and unbuttoned her jeans. Barney's heart skipped a beat.

"Alright well get out I have to get this paint out of my hair so I'm gonna take a shower."

"Okay cool. I'll probably see you tomorrow." Barney said casually as he turned away from her and headed out of the room.

"Barney!" Robin called out.

He turned around; she was standing in her underwear her eyes searching the semi-darkness for her towel. The room was lit by the living room light only so Barney flicked the switch. They both blinked. She found her towel, picking it up and wrapping it around her. Barney drank the last of the Scotch in his glass.

"Thank you for today… paintball and Scotch was _awesome_." She said with a bright smile on her face.

His body tensed, the hand in his pocket clenching into a fist subconsciously as he felt all those feelings he had been doing a good job of ignoring flood through him.

"No problem, that's what bros are for right?"

"Yeah, I guess they are." Robin was drunk but she could hear the false tone in her voice that cast doubt on her assertion.

"Well… good night." Barney said his voice oddly sombre as he retreated.

She stood in her doorway and watched the front door shut behind him. Her heart was racing but she didn't know why. Shaking her head she smiled at her foolishness and went to take a shower.

------------------------------------------------XXXXXXXXXXXX--------------

Barney watched Robin behind the lens of the camera, and felt his heart do odd fluttering things in his chest. The video resume was awesome and he knew that it would land her a job somewhere. He would even step in and use his considerable influence if he had to. It was just inconceivable that he would let her go back to Canada.

"Okay Robin, that's a wrap!" He called out cheerfully as he shut the camera down.

Robin gave him an excited grin, "How do you think I did?"

Barney's smile was blinding, "Absotively amazingly awesome _as per usual_… this is right up there with 'Let's Go to the Mall' and way, way better than 'Sandcastles'."

Robin rolled her eyes, but sniggered despite herself.

"But seriously Scherbatsky you should have totally let me buy you a robot… what kind of video is it without your trusty sidekick?"

Robin gave him the finger. Barney tilted his head to the side and gave her a look that asked her if that was necessary. She nodded in response to his silent question, still holding up her finger. Barney launched himself at her, grabbed her hand and playfully bit the offensive digit.

"Hey!" Robin squealed in delighted horror.

The momentum of Barney's action knocked them both over and they landed on the floor with a soft thump. They burst out laughing.

"Ow." Robin grumbled when she had recovered.

Barney sat up and dragged her up next to him.

"Well that's what you get for being so ungracious."

Her smile died as she looked at him gravely, "I'm not- please don't think I don't appreciate this Barney, I'm _very_ grateful for your help. I don't even know _how_ I can thank you for this."

"Well..."

She punched his arm, "Barney _I'm serious_."

"So am I!" He yelped, rubbing his arm.

Robin looked disappointed. Barney sighed in capitulation, taking her hand in his. Their fingers intertwined without either of them noticing.

"As co-Chair in Awesome, I can't let you go back to Canada, I'd lose a legendary wing woman and bro. Good wingmen are hard to find but wing _women_… _that's_ like looking for a needle in a barn full of hay. No thanks are necessary."

Robin smiled at him, "Thanks Barney… you're an awesome bro."

He gave her smug look, "You are_ not_ wrong."

She nudged him with her shoulder and he nudged her back. They sat looking out into the distance for a few minutes. Robin squared her shoulders and sat up straighter.

"Barney?"

"Yes Robin?"

"What happens if the video resume doesn't work?" She studied the side of his face as she asked the question, unable to look at him lest he see the hint of tears glistening in her eyes.

"Then we think of something else… maybe kidnap Anderson Cooper and make your getting hired the non-negotiable ransom demand."

She looked up into his eyes and laughed tearfully, "Oh God don't let it come to that!"

He shrugged, "Just letting you know I won't let you down."

Their fingers still linked, Robin spontaneously leaned in to him bringing her other arm up to draw him into a hug.

"Origato ko sai mas, Stinson san." She whispered into his ear.

"Domo." He whispered back, tightening his hold on her briefly before pulling away.

Simultaneously, they let go of each other and stood up leaving a sizeable space between them.

"I'm gonna get changed."

"I'm gonna finish editing your video." They spoke at the same time, each beating a hasty retreat.

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"So I've sent my video resume off to all the networks that hadn't interviewed me and a couple that did. I've got a week left to seal this deal so here's _hoping_!" Robin told the group.

She spoke with cheer and bravado she was very far from feeling. If this didn't work she was going to go back to Canada. A place that seemed as far away as the moon from the 'sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, red meat eating New Yorker' she had become. If she moved back home she would literally have to move back in with her Mom and Katie. Living in Ottawa would mean Simon would be within a 20 km radius of her at all times. She tensed, not hearing all the excited chatter mention of the video resume had elicited from her friends. Looking around the booth she felt very close to tears at the thought that within 7 days all this could and most probably would become a distant memory while she most likely ended up as a PR agent for the Splish Splash Waterslide Park.

She did not notice when Ted got up and Barney vacated the chair and slid into the booth to sit next to her. She did notice when his hand came down and rested on her thigh, squeezing the flesh once.

She raised her eyebrow at him,"What-"

"I think we should tell them about our contingency plan should the video resume fail to get you results within the week." Barney said to her.

Marshall and Lily looked on with curiosity and Ted came back with the next round of drinks.

"What plan?" Ted asked.

Robin pursed her lips and tried to shift gears in her head while Barney's hand surreptitiously massaged her thigh in a soothing way.

"Ah… Barney had this great idea about how we could _kidnap_ Anderson Cooper-"

"Or Oprah." Barney interjected.

"Or Oprah… and make my getting hired a non-negotiable term in the ransom." Robin said in her best objective newscaster voice.

Ted smirked, "If you try and kidnap Oprah you _do_ realize they'll just arrest you for _treason_ or get the SWAT team to shoot you down dead… She's a national institution."

"Okay so maybe we leave Oprah out of this but you get the point." Barney said in a thoughtful tone.

Much to Robin's relief he let go of her thigh and brought both his hands up to rest on the table.

"The bottom line is we gotta think outside the box to keep our good friend Robin from being exiled to the hostile and very cold Great White North!"

"Ooh I got it, why don't you get Anderson Cooper to _marry _you at _gunpoint_!?" Lily suggested.

"_Lily_!" Marshall called out in protest.

"What baby, this is serious."

"Yeah but you're talking about using a gun! You _hate_ guns!" Marshall pressed.

"I don't hate guns… _Ted_ does!" Lily replied her tone defensive.

"That wouldn't work Lil, Anderson's already married." Ted corrected her.

"Oh I got it! Robin, all you need to do is go out there and find out something really sordid that our government's doing and expose it. The media attention and scandal it would cause would guarantee you a job." Marshall suggested excitedly.

"I've got seven _days_ to find this sordid thing and expose it; don't you think that's a bit unrealistic?" Robin asked Marshall.

"And kidnapping _Anderson Cooper_ is?" Ted scoffed.

"Hey! I'll have you know that if Robin wanted us to, I could arrange it within 4 hours, and if the plan is so lame what do _you_ suggest _Mosby_!?" Barney challenged.

Ted shrugged, "Well I would start of with something that she could actually do like… well, like…"

"Aha! You've got nothing! I'll have you know that the crazier a plan is the higher the chances of it succeeding. And I should know." Barney said with his customary smirk.

"Marriage. Robin could get married to an American citizen and that's_ all_ her problems solved. She wouldn't have to leave or be _Canadian_ anymore…" Ted said smugly.

"Robin _hates_ marriage!" Marshall pointed out.

"It wouldn't have to be a real marriage just something to buy her some time with the Department of Immigration and Naturalization." Ted continued.

"And _who_, pray tell, would Robin marry?" Barney asked.

"Well she could marry me." Ted said matter-of-factly.

Robin's face froze and she narrowed her eyes at Ted as she felt everyone else in the booth staring at her. She had been quiet up until now because the conversation had been bordering on the hilarious and she was trying to soak in as much of it as possible just in case she ended up in Canada next week.

"_No_! Umm… I don't think that's necessary, if I don't get a job I'll be going back to Canada not Cambodia." Robin said finally.

Ted looked crestfallen, Marshall and Lily's faces were troubled and Barney's was uncharacteristically blank.

"It's very gallant of you to… _offer_, but I'm gonna have to say no. It's nothing personal Ted… I just don't- and what about _Shona_? You guys are doing really great, she could be _the one_ and if you married_ me_ so I wouldn't leave New York it would be- right?"

She looked at Barney in a silent plea for help. He was fighting a losing battle not to smirk.

"It's okay Robin, I'm not offended." Ted said his voice and face blatantly betraying his words.

Robin tried to speak; reaching out a hand towards Ted but Barney's hand clamped down on her thigh and squeezed in warning. She stopped speaking and turned to look at Barney. He shook his head imperceptibly and she dropped her hand back onto the table. Looking around an awkward silence dominated.

"Barney and I can ask at GNB if they are looking for someone to handle the press and PR side of things tomorrow Robin." Marshall offered.

"Thanks Marshall that would be _great_." Robin said tightly. She stared at the bottle of Stolichnaya on the bar shelf in the distance, afraid to look any of them in the eye because she had a feeling she was going to cry.

Lily reached a hand across the table and squeezed Robin's in sympathy.

"Barney says your video resume was _awesome_, I don't think we'll need _any_ kind of plan B." Lily said in her hopeful and sweet tone that made her endearing.

Robin nodded. Her eyes straying over to Ted who was struggling to keep his composure. He downed the remainder of his beer and set the bottle down with a thud.

"Yeah I'm sure Lily's right… okay, well I'm gonna go, I need to catch up on my sleep. I'll see you guys." Ted spoke as he pushed his chair back.

Marshall and Lily shared a look and got up too.

"Yeah we're gonna go too, you guys hanging out here much longer?" Lily asked sweetly.

Barney shrugged and Robin nodded. They others left.

"I'll get us another round." Barney said as he slid out of the booth.

Robin grabbed his arm stopping him.

"I'd rather go to the Cigar Bar and maybe get some Laser Tag in if you don't have to get an early night or have plans?"

Barney tilted his head and looked into her eyes as if trying to look into her soul. Robin fought the urge to look away or cross her arms across her chest so she could ward him off.

"Come on then Scherbatsky, to the Cigar Bar!" Barney exclaimed pulling her out of the booth and leading them out of MacLarens.

She smiled slightly at his dramatic enthusiasm.

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Robin turned her face away from the wall-TV and pressed her face onto Barney's naked chest.

"That_ really_ hurts my eyes." Her words came out muffled.

"Hang on… there." Barney said as he turned the TV off.

There was more than adequate moonlight filtering in through his balcony windows. They had foregone Laser Tag after the Cigar Bar and gone back to his place in silent agreement. It was the first time they had had sex since the day they went to the Paintball Palace and it had been amazing as usual but like the last time a strange tenderness had crept in along the way making it more than just sex.

"You know Scherbatsky you still haven't collected on your win from the paintball game you _cheated_ in." Barney spoke in a low slightly taunting tone. His hand was stroking down her back in a soothing motion.

She raised her head in indignation, "I didn't cheat, _stop_ trying to cheapen my win!"

He grinned at her, wiggling his eyebrows, "Please. Don't be such a sore winner."

After what they had just done in his bed the word choice was ironic.

"Yeah you did." Robin raised her fist so that he could bump it, which he did with an amazed twist of his lips. She was totally awesome. His heart turned over a little. And he mentally glared at it.

"So? You may have a week left in America, you sure you don't wanna collect on it before you could potentially move back to Canada and leave me here with Mosby and the Marrieds? I mean who knows what not having a reliable bro might do to me I might be forced to _cave_ and end up brain dead and bored in a sexless union or just dead. _Hopefully_ it'll be the latter." Barney spoke with his usual dry confidence.

Robin tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and was thankful that other than the moonlight streaming in the room was dark.

"I was thinking about Ted's proposal."

Barney tensed perceptibly underneath her, "You were?" He hoped his voice sounded as casual as he was striving for.

"Yeah."

"What exactly about Ted's proposal were you thinking about?" His heart started to hammer in his chest and he moved Robin off his chest and sat up in the bed. She did the same drawing the sheet up to cover her breasts; she also raised her knees and rested her elbows on them.

"Well, I was thinking that I wouldn't have said no-"

"If what? He hadn't proposed in front of the whole group?" Barney's voice came out harsh and there was nothing he could do about that. His vision was starting to cloud as he saw red.

"No. Let me finish please."

"By all means." Barney waved his hand at her so she could continue speaking. His left hand was clenched into a white-knuckled fist.

"I wouldn't have said no if it was my _bro_ who _owed_ me _any favor I asked_ because he _lost_ a_ bet _at the Paintball Palace." Robin finished off in a rush.

She turned to look at him, gauging his reaction.

Barney frowned, wondering if he had heard right.

"You want me to _marry_ you?"

"I don't _want_ you to marry me… but I might _need _you to do that for me, if you're really serious about granting me anything in return for losing at paintball. Oh God that's a tall order for just a paintball game isn't it… but it's how we roll right?"

Barney turned to study her face, his eyes boring into hers as he tried to calm himself down. Yes he had feelings for her, he probably was in love with her and he wanted her to reciprocate those feelings but this was a lot to ask of him. Especially when she had just turned Ted down earlier at the bar, now what did that mean? Did she still have feelings for Ted? Feelings deep enough that she did not want to cheapen them with a marriage of convenience? What about him? Did she not have feelings for him? No, wait there was definitely something there, but was it enough? And what about this was bothering him? The fact that she wanted to marry him solely for convenience? Or the fact that she was effectively making him break another one of his basic rules? And what about Ted?

"Barney?"

"What about Ted?"

"What _about_ him?"

"You turned him down a few hours ago and now you're telling me that you want to marry me. You saw how hurt he was when you said no, how do you think he'll feel when we tell him we're going to do the _exact same thing_ you refused to do with him instead?" His eyes never left hers.

"Well, I thought that since it'll _just_ be a marriage of convenience, we could keep it between the two of us. Just like we've kept all the sex we've been having since I got back from Japan to ourselves. It's all just temporary!" Her voice gained more confidence by the end of the sentence.

"So how were you thinking of explaining to everyone why you _haven't_ been deported if you don't get a job?"

"I thought I could lie that I _did_ get a job." Robin shrugged.

She was starting to get wound up, he still hadn't answered her question and she was beginning to feel very exposed and vulnerable. Barney's eyes were focused on something she could not see and it looked like he had zoned out on her proposal. She turned to face the wall TV and tried not to reach over and slap him. Had she finally crossed the line here? What if he said no? Or took it to mean something more than what it was, a desperate move by a desperate woman. She would have thought that would automatically get him on board. Barney's continued silence was deafening.

"Oh God, what am I _saying_!? I _can't_ marry you! You're my _bro_, aka the Commanding Officer in the War _Against_ Marriage. I'm sorry Barney, I didn't mean to put you in this position… its just that I started thinking about moving back in with my Mom and Simon and… I'm sorry, forget I said anything please?" Robin was talking fast and she did not care.

Her cheeks were flushed as she realized where she was and who she was talking to. What had possessed her to think he would agree? And what would she have done if he had agreed? She jumped out of the bed and leaving the sheet behind, started to hunt for her clothes, she had to get out of here and go home. Now.

Barney watched her frantic motions with detached interest. Part of him wanted her to leave; the whole thing was getting too cosy for his taste. The other part wanted to tell her to come back to bed, make some romantic comedy type declaration of his undying love for her, have her assure him she felt the same way and sink into the sheets until morning.

Robin had her jeans, boots, shirt and coat on. She hadn't been able to find her panties or bra and she was too distressed to care so she threw a hasty goodbye over her shoulder and practically sprinted out of the apartment. The whole way home she tried not to cry but when she got into her bed she gave in to the urge, letting her tears flow down her cheeks until she fell asleep, her eyes red and puffy, and her mouth dry.

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Yeah Robin's from Alberta but for the purposes of this story her Mom and sister moved to Ottawa at some point.

P.S. If anyone of y'all out there reading have the time and pity, I'm looking for a beta-reader. Preferably someone who is totally caught up on Season 4!


	4. Chapter 4 Awesome?

**Chapter 4 - The AC is where it's at  
**

"Hey Barney."

"Suit up Scherbatsky we're going on a ride!"

She was wearing pyjamas with a terry cloth bathrobe on top; her hair was still damp and softly drying in its natural wavy form and her eyes were still a little red-rimmed and puffy.

Robin smiled despite herself, "Yeah you did… Wait isn't my getting naked the whole point of the ride? Or did you mean _birthday_ suit up? If so then it's a really confusing metaphor…not your best work Stinson."

Barney frowned at her and shook his head, "I don't mean _that_ kind of ride… although I think we have time for a little detour if you're so inclined."

He was standing in the living room wearing an exceptionally well tailored dark blue black suit and jewel toned blue and green tie. Robin observed the way his white shirt was so pristine and bright that it really brought out the highlights in his hair and the slight tan of his skin. Barney snapped his fingers in Robin's face.

"Earth to Sparkles!"

Robin shook her head, quelling the slightly goofy grin that threatened to expose her to him.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise, but I'll give you a hint, there are cigars, strippers, Scotch and games for everyone… Just good, clean and wholesome bro fun!"

Robin frowned slightly, crossing her arms over her chest, "I don't know Barney its 9 a.m. this kind of debauched behaviour is not conducive to the job hunt."

Barney tilted his head in confusion and gestured at the TV, "Huh…It doesn't look like you were going to make much headway watching 'Face Off' unless there is something to news reporting in there I am unfamiliar with."

Robin's cheeks flushed, "Okay _fine_… how suited up do I have to get?"

"Well as you can see I've got a blue theme going on so wear white or dark green in order to compliment my shirt and tie." Barney swept his hand over his form to illustrate.

Robin raised an eyebrow but headed for her bedroom all the same. Barney watched the door shut with a nervous excitement bubbling inside him. God this was definitely the craziest plan he had ever concocted. After last night's marriage proposal debacle he had not expected Robin to be on board with anything he came up with but it looked like she just wanted to forget it had happened. Which was fine with him, it had not been one of his finer moments. He walked over to the fridge and got a bottle of water and sat down to watch 'Face Off' while he waited for her. Nicholas Cage was awesome. So was Travolta but he had done Battlefield Earth, Barney suppressed a shudder, sideburns and dreadlocks were not a good look on any white man.

--------------------------xxxxx---------------

"_Hello_ Atlantic City!" Barney sang in his best gumshoe voice.

Robin rolled her eyes but was unable to suppress the excited smile that danced on her lips. When she had emerged from her room in an emerald green mini-dress and black Gucci boots she had bought on sale last year, Barney had given her a slow appreciative once-over accompanied by a wolf-whistle. Putting on her white winter coat and scarf she'd linked arms with him and let him lead the way out of the apartment. One cab ride to the airport and very short charter plane ride later they had arrived in Atlantic City. Robin may or may not have Woo-d in excitement.

Gambling was exactly what she needed at this low point in her life. Besides the AC always made her think of the time they had all flocked here to attend Marshall and Lily's not-wedding.

They entered the casino and Barney gave Robin a bunch of change ordering her to try her luck on the slot machines while he went to get something. Shrugging, she put her quarter in the slot and pulled with all her might, crossing her fingers that she would win a lot of money and end at least her financial woes that way.

When Barney returned 20 minutes later he had a Scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other. Handing both the drink and cigar to Robin he guided her down a hallway and out of the casino. Robin was too busy enjoying her cigar to pay attention to where they were going until they got to the pier.

"What the hell Barney, the water is grey and dirty and it's almost as cold as the Yukon in June out here."

"We're not here to enjoy the scenery Scherbatsky, see this boat right here?"

"Yeah?"

Barney took her tumbler of Scotch away from her and took a healthy sip before returning it to her.

"Doesn't it look in the least bit familiar to you?"

"_No_, should it?"

"Okay granted it was dark that night. _Anyway_, I found the Captain who was going to marry Marshall and Lily that day!"

"And we're here to pay him a social visit after he made off with your five grand for not doing what you paid him for…_why_?" Her expression mirrored her scepticism as she took a sip of Scotch.

Barney bounced on the heels of his feet with impatience.

"Robin I just paid him _ten_ grand so that he could marry us with a special back-dated licence. _We_ don't get unnecessarily cold and _he_ doesn't have to sail all the way out to international waters."

She choked on her Scotch and as the liquid burned down her throat she managed a husky and shocked, "I'm sorry…_WHAT_!?"

"Your oh-so-romantic proposal last night? _This_ is my answer."

"Barney you've got to be kidding me… you didn't bring me to Atlantic City to marry me did you? That's crazy!"

"I thought we'd call it plan B… for Barney. Word play five!"

Robin just stared at him wildly. He put his hand back in his pocket.

"Well, if you want to collect on your favor before you go this is a pretty good and _relatively_ legal way to do it. Also it automatically results in you _not having to go_." Barney said matter-of-factly.

Robin looked at the boat and then back at Barney. The Captain came out and waved at them. He was wearing a suit!

"Did you get him _a suit_?"

"Please, you think his hobo-looking ass would recognise Prada from Salvation Army otherwise? _Of course_ I did."

"And _who_ are these guys?"

"Oh them, _they_ are our witnesses. You remember Randy right? That's my favourite AC croupier, Lee and that's my old friend Karma."

"She looks like a stripper."

"What's your point?"

"Nothing… are we really gonna do this? Are you_ sure_?"

"Well if we're not and I am not sure, I've just wasted twenty grand before 11 a.m."

Their witnesses approached, smiling and bearing gifts. Randy had a cigar case which he was holding like he was carrying the Queen of England's crown and Lee the Croupier had a bottle of Glenfiddich in a silver case. Karma, a statuesque black woman with a blonde weave was holding a veil with little white and pale pink roses adorned in the circlet.

"Hi, I'm Robin, hey Randy how are you?" Robin greeted their, well… guests.

"I'm fine Robin and how are you? Congratulations by the way." Randy said as he walked past them with the others who had acknowledged Robin's greeting with a nod and a smile. They walked down the pier and climbed onto the boat and started to chat with the Captain.

She turned to Barney who was still waiting for her response; his face was a careful blend of blank and amusement. Robin downed the rest of the Scotch in her glass and took a puff of her cigar. Her eyes were wide and brimming with all kinds of emotions. Gratitude for the grand gesture, hope that she wasn't imagining things and she had really found a solution to her problems, well at least one of them, fear because whatever the motivation she was about to get married. To Barney Stinson of all people! And excitement because this was crazy and whatever happened afterward this was going to be legen-hope you're not lactose intolerant and/or allergic to- dary! She did not just think that did she!?

"Barney Stinson, the _Greatest_ wing man _ever_, Laser Tag partner, Cigar and Scotch connoisseur extraordinaire and Co-Chairman of _Awesome_, are you _sure_ you wanna do this?" Robin had thrust her empty glass tumbler under his nose like it was a microphone and she was interviewing him.

Barney's eyes twinkled with mischief, "Why yes Sparkles, I am positive. It's going to be _legendary_!"

Robin laughed and brought the fake mike to her face and turned towards the casino as if she was facing the camera, holding one hand up to her ear as if she had an earpiece.

"Well there you have it; Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky _are getting hitched_. Back to you in the studio Anderson!"

Barney slapped his hands together and laughed before he took the glass from her and tossed it in the sand, linking his arm with hers they ran down the pier and onto the boat.

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They had asked the Captain to marry them using his 'funny', nautical jokes-ridden service. He had practically glowed with pride while he spouted them off. Barney kept nudging Robin whenever the cliché could be interpreted in a dirty way. Robin tried to glare at him but the wind kept blowing the veil in her face so it was lost on him.

"Do you Barney Stinson take Robin Sparkles Scherbatsky to be your wife?" The Captain asked.

Robin brushed the veil out of her face and punched Barney in the arm.

He just laughed, "Why yes Captain, I do."

"And do you Robin Sparkles Scherbatsky take Barney Stinson to be your husband?"

Robin smiled at Barney through clenched teeth, "You are correct Captain… I do."

"Do you have the ring?" The Captain asked authoritatively.

Barney who was trying hard not to laugh at Robin's irate face turned to the Captain, "What? Oh yeah, hang on Cap!"

He dug into his inside pocket and produced a princess cut sapphire platinum ring. Robin's eyes nearly popped out of her skull in surprise. Barney lifted her left hand and slid it on her ring finger. He was looking at her but her eyes were watching their hands. He kissed the back of her hand and then turned to face the Captain. Robin stared at him trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.

"…I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride." Was all Robin heard and then Barney was sliding his hand around her waist and drawing her in for a kiss.

She had not meant to really kiss him, a mere peck on the lips would suffice but her body seemed to have other plans as she opened her mouth and let his tongue slide in to briefly stroke hers. Then he pulled away and turned her to face the witnesses.

"Lady and Gentlemen I am proud to introduce to you, Mr and Mrs Barney Stinson!" The Captain announced.

Their small gathering cheered as Robin blinked trying to make her brain catch up with what was going around her. She could not hear a word anyone said because there was a rushing sound in her ears that drowned out everything. What had she done? Karma hugged her and Lee the Croupier presented the box of Glenfiddich to Robin while Randy handed over the box of very expensive and very rare Cuban Cigars to Barney.

Robin reflexively accepted the Scotch, opening the box on autopilot and smiling her newscaster smile. A camera flashed somewhere but she was too dazed to notice. This wasn't really happening, she hadn't just married Barney so she could avoid living with her Mom and seeing Simon again had she? The sapphire glinted on her finger as the noon sun hit it and she bit back a scream. Hurriedly she opened the bottle of Scotch and took a swig straight from the bottle.

"Easy now Sch- Sparkles!" Barney laughed.

Karma sidled up next to her and held out two Waterford Crystal tumblers, "Here pour some of that in here."

Robin did as the woman asked and accepted the tumbler Karma gave her while she took the bottle away from her.

Oh God there was going to be toasts to the newlyweds soon. She fought the urge to slap herself and see if she would wake up. Barney handed her a cigar and clipped the end off before lighting it for her. His eyes were twinkling merrily, and he had an irrepressible grin on his face. For some reason _he_ was finding this whole marriage thing amusing. She narrowed her eyes at him trying to figure out if this was all one of Barney's elaborate pranks. He cut the end off his cigar and gave her the lighter so she could light it for him, she obliged, internally freaking out as the gesture seemed to be symbolic of something. Whatever it was she did not want to think about it, so she squashed away whatever insight she was about to gain and took a drag off her cigar. Barney winked at her and held up his glass, the rest of their wedding party were also holding tumblers full of Scotch and a cigar.

"To the bride and groom!" The Captain called out.

"To the bride and groom!" Everyone else cheered.

Robin downed half the glass in one swallow. Barney did the same, and suddenly she felt better. He was just as freaked as she was. That made this whole thing that much less scary. Also the whiskey was having an effect on her empty stomach and everything was already becoming warm and fuzzy around the edges.

Randy turned on the stereo that had been resting on the deck floor and Prince's 1999 started to blare out of the speakers. Robin burst out laughing, leaning on Barney for support when Randy and the Captain started dancing the Robot. They downed the rest of their drinks and joined the others in dancing to the song.

When the song ended the Captain stopped the music so that the guests could do their job as witnesses and sign the marriage certificate. Robin giggled when she signed her name as Stinson. Barney rolled his eyes good-naturedly and gave Karma the documentation. She put it in a little silver briefcase Robin had not seen earlier. Business taken care of, the Captain put the music back on and Culture Club's, Karma Chameleon came on. Robin shook her head and waved her cigar in the air as she danced to the music, Randy refilled all their drinks and the party really got started.

Around 4 pm Robin sent Lily a text message that she had gone Upstate to visit her dogs. They were still on the boat, a whole bunch of strippers, waiters and croupiers were on the boat with them and she was well and truly wasted.

"Whatcha doing there Sparkles?" Barney asked his lips skimming the outer shell of her ear as he spoke in a low voice.

"Texting Lily my alibi."

"Nice."

She put her phone back in her purse and turned to face him.

"So what now?"

"Now… we party like its 1999! Okay, we'll stay on the boat for a little longer before we go back onshore and have dinner. Since I didn't get a bachelor party I was hoping we could swing by a strip club before we hit the blackjack tables." His face was boyishly endearing as he brought up the strip club.

Robin laughed, "Okay but after the strip club we get to go up to our room… we do have a room right?"

He nodded, his eyes riveted to her face. She was flushed and her eyes were glowing with warmth. She was also still wearing her wedding veil.

"Good. We will go to our room and I'll dance on your pole… _yeah I did_."

He bumped her fist. His face wreathed in smiles. She was a fucking treasure.

"_Then_ we hit the blackjack tables and tomorrow we go back to New York and carry on as normal." She finished.

"Excellent plan Sparkles, I knew there was a reason I married you!" Barney exclaimed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders he steered her towards the crowd. Robin was beaming from his remark. It made her feel all warm inside and it had nothing to do with the copious amounts of whiskey she had drunk. This was going to be a legendary night!

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The next morning dawned cold and gray. Fucking winter sucks, Robin thought groggily. So did post-debauched night hangovers. She cracked one very stubborn eyelid open and tried to remember where she was and how she had gotten there.

She sat up in the bed gingerly and looked around the plush hotel room suite, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Her mind showed her flashes of the day before, there was a lot of Scotch, cigars, Barney and loud music. And a boat. And a wedding veil. She shook her head and instantly regretted the action as a sharp spike of pain ricocheted in her head.

"Morning." Barney spoke softly. He was wearing a gray suit with a striped gray and white tie. He had a cup of coffee in his hand and was standing by the windows whose blinds were thankfully still closed.

"Morning."

"Coffee?"

"Yes please."

Barney walked over to the trolley and poured her a steaming cup of coffee, before he handed it to her he spiked it with some whiskey out of a silver flask. He smiled at her when she raised an eyebrow.

"Hair of the dog… works every time."

She nodded slowly, watching him carefully as he set the cup down on the bedside table next to her. He was being very genial but there was a big concrete wall behind his demeanour, as if he wanted to keep whatever he was thinking and feeling away from her.

"Barney?"

"Yes Robin?"

"Did I do crack cocaine last night?"

He frowned at the question, casually putting his free hand in his pocket as he resumed his post by the window.

"No."

"Interesting… are we in Atlantic City?"

He nodded, unsure where this was going.

"Okay, so far so good… did we get married yesterday?"

"Yes."

Robin felt the bile rising in her throat, "Huh… I don't think that's funny."

Barney approached her, his frown deepening.

Robin reached for her coffee and took a big gulp, when she tried to set the cup down she saw the sapphire ring on her finger and dropped the cup. Barney avoided being splashed by hot coffee by a mere inch. Robin leapt out of the bed not caring that she was buck naked.

"Ahh!!" She waved her left hand at him.

"There's a_ ring_ on this finger! _Why_ is there a ring on this finger!?"

"'Cause we got married yesterday morning." Barney voice was studiously flat and his face only showed concern for her.

"_Oh my GOD_! I'm gonna be sick!" Robin exclaimed running for what she hoped was the bathroom door.

She slammed it behind her and locked it, leaving Barney standing there, his blue eyes troubled. He really didn't know what he would do if she was retching like that because she was married to him.

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When she was done retching Robin flushed the toilet and turned the shower on. She saw the brand new toothbrush in the holder and removed the packaging and squeezed toothpaste on it. The ring glinted in the corner of her eye and she closed her eyes, brushing her teeth vigorously. Done with her teeth she jumped in the steaming shower and prayed that she would wake up any second now, this couldn't possibly be real and happening!

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All readers and/or reviewers feel free to pimp this to any interested parties as well! I know, I'm needy and shameless… that's because well to quote from my really good friend Barney Stinson, where shame is supposed to be I have another awesome gland instead. True story. ; )


	5. Chapter 5 The Morning After

A/N: Okay so I am obsessive about this type of stuff and I hope y'all don't see it as weird but I always try to be factually correct about stuff, which means I researched the whole getting married for citizenship thing in the U.S. I found out that it is not the INS that deals with this but the USCIS. I went to their FAQ page and found out all kinds of stuff. For those of y'all who care about nitty gritty things like that you should check out the Visa Pro website.

Also, I just want to give a HUGE no scratch that a MASSIVELY BIG shoutout to **idioticonion**,** tempestdance**, **stinky_panda**, **solojones**, **scruby** (at LJ) and **Vera Cobb**, **GentleReader**, **Electric Monk** and **SaraSiddle33** (). You guys are all so amazing and the fact that you give this fic the time of day is just beautiful! Bloody frakking fantastic actually! Keep the comments, adding to storyalerts, praises and criticisms coming they are delicious droplets of awesome that I consume for sustenance.

**Vera Cobb** you rule my girl, and you're the Energizer freaky bunny of betas, you totally rule! Thanks a gajillion for your tireless and stellar efforts. x mwah xx

This is also a double post, I don't know if I can promise to keep this up so don't get mad when I don't okay!?

**CHAPTER FIVE – THE MORNING AFTER**

Robin stepped out of the bathroom to find Karma sitting on the bed. The stripper was wearing jeans a white sweater, and very high black boots. She stood up and was literally towering over Robin.

"Morning!"

"Hey… where's Barney?" Robin asked looking around the hotel room.

She had spent so long in the bathroom the suite had been cleaned and the bed had been made.

"He thought he'd give you some privacy and asked me to give you this." Karma lifted a dress-bag off the bed and handed it to Robin with a flourish.

Robin opened the zipper and gasped, "This is-"

"Emanuel Ungaro… you know what the B-Man is like… only the finest clothes for a Stinson." Karma said with an indulgent smile.

Robin flushed, "Yeah… I'm not really a Stinson, I'm-"

"Sparkles… sorry."

Robin grimaced, "Actually it's Scherbatsky."

Karma shrugged and took the white trouser suit out of the dress bag, handing it to Robin.

"I prefer Stinson but whatever, now suit up girl, y'all got a plane to catch!"

Robin laid the suit on the bed reverently and then she noticed the folded blue turtleneck on top of the pillow. Karma bent over and brandished a bag; she dumped the contents on the bed. It was lingerie and very expensive.

Robin swallowed the wave of panic that was doing a good impression of feeling like nausea. Karma handed Robin a bottle of Dior Addict body moisturizer and made an impatient gesture with her hands. How did Barney know that was her perfume?

"I'm gonna pour you some coffee while you get dressed, now hurry up!" Karma prodded turning away and striding to the trolley that was still there.

Robin dropped her towel and did as she was told, her heart was racing and she felt both hot and cold. She was married to Barney Stinson: gross, inappropriate and ultimately awesome Barney who had only married her to stop her from going back to Canada. Then why did this feel like more than a charade? Well, the man had given her a wedding ring for Chrissakes. What was he thinking? Barney hated marriage; he was only doing this to help her out. And she had agreed because it had seemed like fun and totally unreal and because she really, really did not want to leave her life in New York and start again in Canada. Where they did not have B-a city that never slept, Lily and Marshall, a 24-hour Paintball Palace, Ted and Barney. She made sure she listed him last, and she definitely had not been about to think of him before all the others. That was the only reason right?

Once Robin was dressed, Karma opened the door, but spoke softly to someone outside before entering the room. After she'd closed the door behind her, she faced Robin and crossing her arms, spoke sternly: "You're very lucky to have someone who would go to such great lengths to help you out. I hope you realise and understand what a great guy Barney is and you don't abuse it."

Robin was gulping down the coffee and she stopped drinking long enough to give Karma a confused look. She started to respond but Karma looking just plain irritated held her hand up and shook her head.

"You and your friends are four of the people, other than his brother, Mom and baby nephew Barney loves most in the world. But there is so much you don't see or understand so you ain't got nothin' to say right now that I wanna hear Robin _Scherbatsky_." Karma said her last name like it was cuss-word.

Robin was stunned, "Okay I-"

"You're dressed and caffeinated so I'm gonna go… I hope it's worth it."

A knock sounded on the door and Karma opened it, a bright smile lighting up her flawless chocolate complexion. "She's dressed and had some coffee I'm gonna go say bye to the girls now. I had myself a real good time! Have a safe trip and come see us in Vegas it's been too long since we had a chance to catch up!"

Barney chuckled tenderly and hugged Karma tightly, "Thanks K, and I'll be there soon, we'll paint the town red Stinson style!"

She hugged him just as tightly and pulled away to kiss his cheek; cupping his face in her hands she gave him a piercing look.

"Take care of yourself Baby, I'll be reading your blog religiously."

Robin's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline and she stood there watching the genuine affection between the two of them. It was weird to see Barney have a connection with someone that wasn't James or one of the group. There was so much of his life that he kept secret. She decided right then and there that it was irksome. Karma hugged Barney again and whispered something in his ear before she pulled away and waved at Robin.

"Best of luck Sparkles! I had a great time last night."

Robin smiled at her weakly and watched Barney shut the door behind her. Her heart started to thud in her chest in apprehension. Barney smiled at her hesitantly, giving her attire the once-over. He seemed reluctant to approach her and she remained standing by the bed, unconsciously fidgeting with the ring on her finger.

"So what's-"

"You're looking much better Scherbatsky."

They spoke at the same time and then glanced away in awkwardness.

"Yeah well I think the Ungaro suit helps."

His eyes whipped back round to twinkle at her, "It really does."

Robin rolled her eyes, a small smile escaping despite her half-hearted attempt to stifle it.

"Thank you, I would have had to wear my stinky 'wedding' dress otherwise… and no panties 'cause I didn't have any change of clothing…" Her voice petered out as Barney suddenly moved across the room and grabbing the back of her head, kissed her.

She froze for a second then kissed him back, there was desperation and frustration initially then it evolved into passionate and gentle open-mouthed nips at each other. Robin was the one to bring them closer, sliding her hands under his suit jacket and around his back. She smiled against his mouth when she felt his erection brand her hip. He reached down and smacked her ass smartly. She pulled away and raised a sardonic brow.

"At least have the decency to hide your twisted delight in torturing me." His tone was half-teasing half-knowing.

She grinned at him, "I'm a Stinson, we don't do decent… that's for losers."

His eyebrows rocketed up and he chuckled despite himself, "Oh really?"

"Yes really now get on that bed B-Man I've got an indecent proposal for you." She pulled him towards the bed then pushed him backwards. Crawling over him she sat on top of him and started to loosen his tie. He was grinning like the Cheshire cat.

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Barney finished buttoning up his shirt and shook his head with a wry twist of his lips.

"No more proposals from you Sparkles, they are dangerous and result in me doing something very unexpected."

Robin was zipping up her boots and shaking the hair out of her eyes she smiled up at him.

"Euphemism five!" she held her hand up.

He leaned towards her and slapped her hand. Then he walked over to the table and the small silver briefcase Robin vaguely remembered Karma holding yesterday after they had all danced to _'1999'_.

"What's that?"

He brought the case over to the bed and sat down, opening the briefcase in the space between them.

"This is our marriage certificate, license and the prenuptial agreement."

Robin looked at the contents of the briefcase and felt the blood rushing in her ears. She blinked away the panic that was going to make her say or do something she would regret.

"Wow, I can't believe we're married." She was staring at the very legitimate and real piece of paper that made her Barney's wife.

Barney watched her, his face looked open but there was an impenetrable barrier up that made it impossible for Robin to gauge what he was thinking or feeling. Other than the fact that he did not want her to know, that is.

"Why do we need a prenup?" She picked up the thick document and rifled through the pages without reading it.

"We need a prenup because you have to be my wife for two years before you can be considered for 'unconditional permanent residency'. State laws are such that I need to protect myself should something-"

Robin put the document back in the briefcase and shook her head, "I get it. Sorry that was a stupid question… Don't I have to sign it somewhere?"

Barney opened it up and produced a pen from inside the case, "Yes just sign here, here and here… oh and here."

He indicated the various locations her signature was needed and watched her sign her name with a flourish. She looked up at him expectantly when she was done.

"I already got Karma and the Captain to sign the other bits yesterday before everyone got too drunk so it's all done… It's not very legal to have the witnesses sign before you or to have our marriage certificate backdated, but the ceremony was legitimate."

Robin smiled at him, "You've gone to great lengths and spent so much money on all of this, _thank you_ Barney."

"No problem Robin. Now I'm gonna lock these three bad boys up and have them put in a safe deposit that only you and I have the key to. Then we'll get on a plane back to New York and go back to normal."

Robin nodded in agreement then her eyes fell on the ring that still adorned her finger.

"Why did you get me a_ ring_? And such an expensive one at that.

"It may be a marriage of convenience Robin but its still a marriage, girl's gotta have a ring. And since I can afford it, might as well be bling! Besides, you're gonna need to help convince the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services – thanks Mosby for getting it wrong- aka USCIS, that this is for real. Get it valued and insured so that when they check it out they see that B-Man spent some serious green to keep his Bro in town."

Robin processed this finding no holes in argument, he had obviously thought way further ahead than she had.

"I can't go back to New York wearing it-"

"Ah my simple Canadian friend, that's where _this_ comes in."

Barney pulled out a platinum gold chain from his inner jacket pocket and opened the clasp.

"You can either wear this around your neck Carrie in _SATC_-style or you could wear it around your ankle or waist."

"Or I could just wear the ring on my middle finger."

"Yeah but my suggestions are _hotter_ and draw less attention from the Marrieds and the Mosby."

Robin shrugged, he had a point. She felt compelled to make a point of her own.

"Just because you suggested it doesn't necessarily make it hotter."

"Yeah it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Sparkles, please, don't embarrass yourself."

"What?"

"You're _Canadian_… there's no _way_ you can be a better judge of hot than I am, your porn stars don't even have breast implants!"

Robin shoved him backwards onto the bed in response. He just laughed. She tried to keep her annoyed expression but it didn't work and she felt herself smile.

"You're a jackass."

"As of 11:39 a.m. yesterday that makes you _Mrs_. Jackass."

Robin pulled the ring off and jammed it down her middle finger before she flipped it at him.

He stopped laughing but was still grinning, "You can do that on the plane ride home."

"I don't think so."

Barney sat up and picked up the briefcase, standing up in one fluid motion.

"Aren't you cute, you think that it's up for discussion… hmm… innuendo five!"

Robin shook her head refusing to slap his hand; Barney just chuckled to himself with a Gallic lift of his shoulder.

"Come on _Wife_, get our things we have just enough time to get certified copies made, leave this at the bank, speed to the airport and get on our plane!" he called out over his shoulder.

Robin picked up a pillow and lobbed it at him, whacking him on the back of the head. Barney yelped and turned to glare at her threateningly.

"You can help, this isn't the Middle Ages."

"I don't want to, _you _do it."

She crossed her arms over her chest and sat down on the dishevelled bed, "No."

"Robin-"

"I'm unemployed and now I have legal status in the United States, I have absolutely _no _reason to rush." Robin said it with a self-satisfied smile.

Barney looked at his watch and slammed the briefcase on the table, "Fine. I'm so glad you'll be going back to the apartment when we get home, it took you less than 24 hours of matrimony to show me you're a nagging harpy waiting to happen."

He started to gather their things, bristling with irritation. Robin smile grew wider, that would teach him to use the 'w' word, even as a joke. It did strange things to her insides to hear him call her that.

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From La Guardia they got separate cabs, Barney had to go to work and Robin wanted to find out if she had any job offers on the answering machine. Barney watched the New York skyline and wondered if it was wishful thinking or actually true that the familiar landscape looked different. It was as if he had had a near death experience and the colors, textures and way he viewed everything had been permanently altered. He had done some crazy things in his life but marrying Robin for convenience when he was pretty much in love with her was probably not only the craziest but the dumbest. How the hell was he supposed to get over her if he was giving her his grandmother's ring and half his fortune in a prenup she had not even bothered to read because she took this whole thing as a joke? She took _him_ for a joke!

He thought back to yesterday and shook his head in amused disbelief; they had celebrated their marriage Bro style alright. He had made sure the Scotch ran on tap all night, they had avoided the champagne cliché by ensuring the offensive beverage was nowhere near their party, not even in their hotel suite when they had gone up for a little post-wedding nookie. The strip club had been wild and fun with Robin handing him $100 in dollar bills and buying him two lap dances. Then there were the blackjack tables, after they had christened their suite. Between the two of them they had actually won $10,000, and then lost $9,000. They had retired to their suite drunk and horny, the sex had been fast and sloppy but then Robin had slept with her arms and legs tangled with his so, totally worth it.

Early in the morning, Barney had sleepily pulled Robin closer, this action in the sober light of day had propelled him out of bed and into the shower. That kind of stuff would get him into deeper trouble than he already was in and he did not think he could survive something like that. Robin had left her scent, her sarcasm, her competitive streak and her general sexiness all over everything already. What made the whole thing even worse was that she still saw him as someone so narcissistic and self-contained she never considered his feelings. The best example of this was when she had started sleeping with Ted again last month. Hadn't bothered to tell him nor had it prevented her from screwing him in the alley near the Cigar Bar. She could not see that there was a real person underneath all the awesome. Someone who had a heart and could very easily join the doubtlessly long list of Robin Scherbatsky's rejected swains. Jesus he did not want to be just another guy but the longer this went on the more he was beginning to understand that he may not have a choice in the matter.

The cab pulled up in front of his office building and Barney absentmindedly tossed the driver a C-note as he got out, still preoccupied with thoughts of Robin. He was going to have to discuss an iron-tight set of ground rules with his wife tonight. No, not his wife, Robin. And definitely not tonight, he had plans. Simple, straightforward uncomplicated plans to go down the bimbo route in order to allay both his and Robin's fears that yesterday's actions were going to upset Ted and therefore the group dynamic. Wow, Ted. He could never find out about this. Neither could Marshall and Lily.

Barney stepped into the elevator and pulled out his special key that would send the elevator down to the floor nobody else at GNB knew about. He smiled at himself sadly.

He was the master of keeping secrets, he would not give up the game, he would continue to sleep with bimbos, and he was not going to risk losing his ability to nail random chicks just because he may or may not be temporarily and irrevocably in love with Robin. What was he supposed to _do_ after she broke his heart or he fell out of love with her, if that was what this really is? He gave himself a mental fist-bump. Had to!

The doors opened on the secret floor and his personal assistant approached him with a customary awed expression and respectful greeting on her lips. Minions scampered around him trying to get his attention, and emulate his actions as usual. Barney smiled, cocky grin in place, Daddy was back and he was not going to allow a favor to a Bro or an unfortunate case of 'feelings' upset the status quo.

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	6. Chapter 6 The Long Con

**CHAPTER 6 – THE LONG CON**

Robin sat next to Ted and watched Barney as he told the group about his conquest last night. She swallowed her beer nervously, she was pretty sure there was rage and another feeling she did not want to name bubbling up inside her. Why had he nailed someone else the day after their wedding? Granted it was a fake marriage but it had been a real ceremony, she smiled to herself secretly, okay a real awesome ceremony. Barney saw her smile and grinned at her, nodding. He was saying something and she guessed it was dirty and he thought she was reacting to that. Robin took another swig of her beer and studied Barney as he spoke. His eyes were twinkling as usual and he was dressed immaculately. He looked good enough to eat. So far so good, this wasn't the first time she had thought it nor would it be the last. What worried her was that their very own 'with benefits' friendship was evolving into something outside of her control. Was she really going to start having 'feelings' for a guy that was well on his way to hitting the 200 chicks-I've-banged mark? She was one of them, well technically in the eyes of the law and a very sadistic Bro upstairs with a sick sense of humor, she was his wife. So she automatically won any competition with the other chicks. Also she was the only one who got to get horizontal with the Barnacle and then hang out with him afterward. So she also won on that front. What was wrong with her? Did everything have to be a competition?

"Okay guys, enough about that, I've got some news," Robin interrupted.

Four pairs of eyes focused on her.

"I got a call from one of the networks I sent my video resume to… and they called me for an interview this afternoon. The producer is pretty sure it's in the bag but I have to wait until tomorrow for confirmation."

Everybody started cheering and talking at once. Marshall immediately asked Carl to bring them a bottle of champagne to celebrate and the rest of the evening was spent feting her pending job offer, because, "Come on Robin you are totally the best person for the job, those other interviewees don't have a hope in hell."

Many hours later, Robin walked out of the bathroom to find everyone but Barney gone. She sat back down at the table, more than a little drunk and beamed at him.

"The Marrieds and Mosby go home already?"

Barney grinned at her use of his terminology, "Yeah… I was just waiting for you. I need to go get myself some shuteye, I've got a work thing tomorrow a.m. and I have to be on the ball."

Robin was sitting across for him so it made it impossible to hide her disappointment.

"Oh…okay. Well I think I'm gonna stay a little longer. I'm not tired at all."

Barney shrugged and reaching over squeezed her hand, "Okay then, good night."

She watched him leave with a wistful smile then decided to go and sit at the bar. A few minutes into her Scotch a tall well-muscled Benjamin Bratt look-alike sat next to her and ordered a vodka tonic.

Robin's eyes raked over his attractive profile and she smiled. He wanted to have one-night stands with people before the proverbial ink had dried on their certificate? Well so could she.

"Hi. Haaave you met Robin?" she asked the man.

Brown eyes turned to meet hers and she saw the appreciation light up in the brown depths.

"No, but if she's anything like you, I would love to." the stranger replied.

--------------------xxxxxxxxxxx-----------------

"Someone had a good night last night." Ted teased as Robin stumbled out of her bedroom and headed towards the shower.

"Do me a favor Mosby."

"What?"

"Drop dead." Robin snapped as she slammed the bathroom door.

Ted laughed and shaking his head picked up his laptop bag to go to work. He was so glad Robin wasn't leaving for Canada. Who else would say such crabby but lovable things to him?

--------------------------xxxxxxxx-----------------------

Robin sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs at the USCIS office in New Jersey; apparently this was the closest one to New York City that had a relatively faster processing rate. She struggled not to fidget and took deep calming breaths as she waited for the interviewer to call her. She hoped it was a guy, that's why she'd worn her post-wedding white pant-suit. It screamed successful career woman with no reason to marry anyone other than for love, and no Immigration Officer, I would never stoop so low as to marry a narcissistic awesome cad just so I could stay in the United States.

She stared at her wedding ring and then felt an emotion close to guilt start to choke her so she turned her attention to the Turkish woman with the jangly gold bracelets and fat fingers stuffed with rings instead. She definitely could not be feeling guilty about Benjamin Bratt look-alike last night. Its not like Barney would care anyway, he'd nailed the heavily tattooed sculptor from the Village the night before that. And from the parts of his recounting that she had heard her creativity with clay spilled over into the bedroom. She frowned, okay so if she wasn't feeling bad because of Barney's feelings then why did she still feel like she had done something wrong?

"Robin Stinson!?"

She jumped in alarm, then setting her eyes on the diminutive red-haired man in the rumpled brown polyester suit standing outside the door she fixed her brightest smile and stood up.

"That's me!"

She followed him into a small, claustrophobic room. When she didn't hear the door shut she turned around with a questioning smile.

The man frowned at her, "Will Mr. Stinson be joining us soon?"

"What?"

"Your husband, the US citizen you've married, will he be joining us? It is a requirement that he be present at the interview too."

Robin pasted what she hoped was a confident smile on her face, "Umm… of course, why don't we get started while we wait for him?"

The ginger-haired man was positively scowling at her now. Robin took that as a big fat no. Oh shit.

"I'm sorry I have to go to the ladies room… where is it?"

The interviewer's expression changed to puzzled but he nodded and led her out of the office and pointed her down the hall. Robin tried not to run as her heart started hammering in her chest. She saw leg irons, jail, orange jumpsuits and deportation looming in her near distant future; she had no idea where Barney was! This marriage had been a really bad idea, she could see that now.

As soon as she got into the cubicle, she pulled out her cellphone with shaking hands, Barney picked up after an interminable four rings.

"Barney, I'm at the USCIS office in New Jersey… they say you have to be present for the interview… get here asap!" Robin hissed breathlessly into the phone.

"Robin, I'm on a plane headed for Washington D.C!"

"Well turn it around then! If you're not here they won't interview me and they'll get suspicious! Why didn't you tell me you had to be here Barney!?"

"'Cause I thought we could go tomorrow and you didn't run your decision to go there today…alone, by me." Barney's irritated sarcasm dripped across the wires.

"Well, I didn't know you had to be here, I just wanted to get this thing over with."

"Sometimes Scherbatsky you're too independent for your own good-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up and get here, I'm gonna go stall him."

"Oh show him skin, that'll distract him! Okay, I've got the USCIS offices on my GPS which one are you at?"

"I don't know! The one closest to the Holland tunnel and New York City!"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes, don't know what you were thinking-"

"Just get here Stinson!" Robin snapped, hanging the phone up as she heard someone come into the restroom.

She flushed the toilet then felt the sudden urge to pee and hurl at the same time. Making a quick decision she squelched the latter desire and pulled down her pants.

--------xxx

Robin knocked timidly on the door and entered the office after she was bid enter.

She pasted her most charming smile on her face; she had ended up throwing up as well, at least that had bought her 10 minutes. According to her calculations, Barney should be there in the next 8 minutes.

"I'm sorry Mr… Jack Johnson, I think I might have a touch of food poisoning or something."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine. That's what I get for eating dodgy Chinese take-away." Robin said in her best Cockney accent.

Jack Johnson did not smile.

"Right… may I sit down?" Robin asked in a deflated voice.

He gestured for her to take one of the two chairs in front of his desk.

"Jack Johnson, huh? I bet a lot of people ask you if you're related or can sing 'Holes to Heaven', hey?"

The last word came out sounding so Canadian. Jack Johnson shook his head with a put-upon expression, apparently Robin's attempt at humor wasn't original and/or funny.

"Can I call you Jack?"

"Mr. Johnson will do."

Robin's eyes widened.

"What about just Johnson? You know like in '_Will & Grace'_ there's just Jack!?"

"No."

Robin ducked her head at a loss, she stared at her ring and it the sapphire winked at her under the lights. She sat up straighter and decided to try a different tack.

"So Jack Johnson's music is really good, I mean in terms of on the ears, it's not really my thing but I can't say he doesn't have talent. Don't you think?"

Jack didn't respond and silence accompanied her statement until he started drumming his fingers on the table with impatience. Robin looked around the room desperate for a conversational topic. She noticed the American flag on his desk and grabbed it.

"Ahh… the good old Stars and Stripes, I bet you are really proud to be on the frontlines of making sure America is the world's biggest cultural melting pot… and terrorist target because… I'm gonna be quiet now." Robin petered off with a forced chuckle.

Jack Johnson's face was now stony and he sat up straight in his chair, snatching the flag away from Robin.

"Mrs. Stinson, where is Mr. Stinson? I have many applicants to interview today and the longer your interview takes, the shorter my temper will get and the less likely it will be for more deserving people to get their status regularized before their documentation expires."

"What do you mean _more deserving_? You talking smack about my wife? Bad move buddy, you'll see what I mean when we file a million dollar lawsuit against you… Jack." Barney spoke in his most flippant yet serious voice as he stepped in the room.

Robin didn't have to fake her overjoyed reaction when she ran up and kissed him. The kiss was meant to be chaste but when Barney's arm slid around her back and brought her closer, it turned into something more. Barney was the first to pull away giving her a boyish grin that promised much more later, it took Robin a few seconds to remember where they were.

"Thank God you're here, I tried cracking some jokes but this guy is giving me nothing," she whispered to him in a breathless voice.

Barney tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and gave her his most self-assured and charming Barney smile.

"Don't worry baby, Daddy's here now."

She pinched him subtly for that. He grimaced biting back a yelp of pain. Jack Johnson cleared his throat loudly. Robin turned to look at him as Barney steered her back to her chair.

"Sorry about that Bro, we're newlyweds, she just can't keep her hands off me. But seriously…can you blame her?"

Jack Johnson's face pinkened at Barney's familiarity and cleared his throat once more as he clasped his hands over Robin's file.

"Let's get down to business shall we?" Barney spoke in voice that exuded power, effectively taking control of the situation as he handed Jack a separate thick embossed file.

--------------xxx

Robin watched Barney with a newfound respect, he had somehow managed to succeed where she failed, intimidating and enthralling Jack Johnson as he read the file and asked them questions. Barney was holding her left hand in his and rubbing his thumb on the back absentmindedly as Jack finished off his notes. She wondered if it was blurring the lines of their Bro-ship a little that she was enjoying the soothing yet slightly erotic motion so much that she was finding it hard to concentrate on what was going on.

"Okay then Mr and Mrs Stinson, if you could just sign here and here we will be done for now."

Barney took the file from him and signed his name; sliding it to Robin she did the same, remembering to sign her last name as Stinson at the last minute. Something about it made her very aware of the blood rushing through her body and the rapid beat of her heart.

"For now?" Barney enquired with a sardonic lift of his brow.

Robin looked at him then at Jack, not understanding what the problem was.

"Yes well Mr. Stinson-"

"Bro, call me Barney."

"I'd rather not."

"Well I insist."

"Okay… Barney. I feel that the date of your marriage is a little too close to Mrs Stinson's current status' expiry date so I am going to have to come and observe the two of you in your natural environment before I make my final decision."

"What!?" Robin gasped in horror. She gripped Barney's arm in panic.

Jack fixed his pale green eyes on her, "You have separate residential addresses and you hesitated when I asked you what Mr. Stinson did for a living. Even then you were unable to give me a satisfactory answer. You _did not_ _know_ the last names of two of your witnesses at the wedding and you showed up here _without _Mr. Stinson."

"Whoa, hold on Bro, what I do for a living exactly is a matter of national security that is why she does not know and the code I gave you there should clarify that for you."

"Yes it does Mr-Barney but the fact remains I am not entirely convinced that this marriage is for real so I am going to have make a private visit."

"But-"

"Oh I get it you wanna kick it with the B-Man, Bro you don't have to make up some official excuse if you just wanna have some fun."

Robin burst out into slightly hysterical and incredibly forced laughter, "Shut up Barney! Please ignore him Jack-"

"Mr. Johnson."

"He gets to call you Jack!"

"That's 'cause I'm American Robin, now stop, Jack Brohonson wants to kick it with the Stinsons, that's great. When are we hosting you?" Barney's grip on her left hand was no longer gentle.

"Tomorrow, you will have to take some time off work B-Man."

Robin huffed in annoyance, this was just not fair!

"Well _I _can't, I have to go finalize the paperwork at the new network."

"I hope you are not saying what I think you're saying Mrs. Stinson."

"Which is?" Robin voice betrayed how frayed her temper was.

"That you are seeking employment while you have already filed an application under the married to a US citizen category. You're not allowed to accept employment until after I've processed everything and it will take your employer 3 weeks to do so anyway which means you'd be out of status anyway."

Robin sunk into her chair.

"I didn't know that isn't that proof- Wait, are you saying I can't work? For how long!?"

"Should I be satisfied tomorrow, you will still have to wait three weeks before you can go to work."

A brief silence fell.

"Perfect, it will give me ample time to fix our place up, right Barney-kins?"

It was Robin's turn to squeeze Barney's hand really hard. Barney chuckled falsely and squeezed her hand back, "Of course _dear_."

"Great, Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, I will see you around 12 noon tomorrow," Jack said, drawing the interview to a close by getting up to shake Barney and Robin's hands.

"Noon!? Does that mean I have to cook for you?" Robin's displeasure was evident in her body language despite the fixed smile on her face and the levity in her voice.

"Uh yeah… don't they teach hospitality in that Northern tundra?" Barney asked her sarcastically.

He was already steering her out the door and Jack Johnson was grinning at the question. It took all of Robin's self-restraint not to pull her gun out and shoot them both. As soon as they were out of the building Robin shrugged Barney's arm off and stomped down the steps.

"Way to make me look like an ass in there Stinson!"

Barney was smiling at her mischievously, "Had to be done, that guy did _not_ like you!"

"Of course he didn't like me with you sweeping in to the room and taking control of the situation, giving him secret codes and whatnot!"

Barney led her to a waiting black car; a chauffeur was standing to attention, holding the door open. Robin threw him a querying look over her shoulder before getting in. Barney slid in after her and loosened his tie.

"To my apartment Sven, but stop by the first bar you see when we get in to New York, the missus is in desperate need of some self-medication, another second in New Jersey and I'm pretty sure she'll go all Faith post-coma up in here!"

Robin punched him as hard as she could in the arm. Barney looked at her sympathetically, "For someone privileged enough to carry the name Stinson, you're _very_ angry."

"No shit."

Barney slid an arm around her waist and hauled her onto his lap, "Come on Canada, lighten up! It's in the bag! Tomorrow I'll be my most disarming and awesome self as will you and Jack will have no choice but be convinced."

His lips started roving down her neck, his hands sneakily sliding under her suit jacket and cupping her breasts. Robin wanted to shrug him off and continue their argument but then he lightly pinched her right nipple which for some strange reason was more sensitive than her left and she grabbed his face instead. Barney's hands did not stop their roving while Robin stared into his eyes, he gave himself a mental high-five when she leaned in and kissed him fervently.

She was too easy!

-------------------xxxxxxxxxx

Robin looked around the 'Fortitude of Barnitude' with a curious blend of revulsion and admiration. The place was awesome but so devoid of the Barney that lurked beneath the Awesome Suit. Yes she had finally admitted to herself there was a person there, a person that she did not know half as well as he knew her inner Robin. Now why did she just think that?

"Barney, the Storm Trooper and the professionally lit porn and the one-towel, patent-pending toilet seated bathroom are gonna have to go." She had her hands on her hips and she was exasperated.

"No! Bad Sparkles!" Barney admonished, covering the Storm Trooper's ears.

"Barney you heard Mr. Johnson, he will be here tomorrow and I think he only gave us a reprieve to give us a chance to make it look real. He's totally onto us, lucky for us he just liked you."

"Of course he liked me Scherbatsky, this is the B-Man we're talking about."

Robin glared at him, stabbing a finger at the Storm Trooper, "He's definitely gotta go."

"Just because you're standing in my apartment with nothing but that ring and your stiletto heels on doesn't mean I'm going to cave Sparkles."

"Oh really?"

"Yep."

"Even if I drape myself on your bar and lift my legs up in the air like… that stripper in the AC… what was her name again?" Robin asked as she acted out her words.

Barney's hands dropped from the Storm Trooper's ears and he approached her warily, his eyes lighting up with delight at the display.

"Her name was Starlight."

"Yeah Starlight, now I wonder where she would touch me if she were here, in this apartment… right now." Robin's hand traveled down south.

Barney's eyes nearly popped out of his head and he was finding it very hard – had to – to think. Robin bit her lip and looked at him through hooded eyes. Her fingers started to move slowly and she let out a small moan. Barney put a shaking hand on her left leg and slid it up her thigh.

"I can show you how Starlight would touch you."

Robin swallowed, she hadn't meant to but this little challenge was turning out to be very erotic.

"Okay."

Barney smiled incandescently, replacing Robin's fingers with his own. She lay her head back and let him take control.

-----------XXX

"Get rid of the Storm Trooper, and all that other crap Barney."

"Okay."

Robin cocked an eyebrow.

"You pulled the naughty sex card Sparkles, the minute you draped yourself on that counter you'd won and you know it. Don't play coy with me."

Robin grinned victoriously.

"I'm hungry and we should head on over to the bar, race you to the shower." Barney stretched and jumped up from the floor where they'd been lying.

Robin tried to grab his arm but was too slow, laughing she followed him into the bathroom, body checking him in the doorway she got into the shower stall first. Turning the knob she cackled at him evilly as he rubbed his ribs where they had come into contact with door frame.

"Get in here Stinson, I promise I'll make it better."

Barney gave her a wide grin, "Yeah you will, it's the least you can do!"

He stepped into the stall and slid the glass doors shut, reaching out for her.

----------------------xxxxxxx

They did not end up going to the bar. After their 'shower', Barney had ordered Vietnamese food and they had sat on his bed eating the food while MTV blared on his blinding wall TV. Afterward, Robin wearing Barney's bathrobe had continued her argument about how his apartment should be redecorated. By the time she had convinced Barney to let her do it her way, with a brief intermission when Barney had suggested she ride him like a cowboy to sweeten the deal, it was almost midnight.

"Okay Sparkles you win 'cause its only temporary anyway… let's get you dressed so you can go home." Barney said as he got off the bed and picking up her clothes set them next to her.

Robin nodded sleepily, letting him undo the sash.

"Hmm…" Barney said.

"Hmm what?"

"I'm looking at the buffet spread out before me and I realize that it is totally unrealistic to let you leave without sampling some of the fare."

"Again?"

"What you talking about again, it's 12:01 in the morning, so technically it would be for the first time today."

Robin smiled seductively, "So what are you waiting for, a special invitation?"

Barney gasped in wonder, "You are totally awesome."

"I know." She said softly as his hands started to stroke down her body and he leaned his head towards her for a kiss.

-------------------------------xxxxxxxxxx

"Morning Sparkles! What's in the box?" Barney greeted her cheerfully the next morning.

"Personal Robin effects." She answered as she breezed into the apartment.

Barney watched her hips sway with appreciation as he shut the door behind her. She was wearing skinny jeans, boots and royal purple turtleneck underneath a black wool jacket.

She set the box down on the leather couch and took off her coat while Barney remained standing by the door.

"You got rid of the Storm trooper! Great! So we agreed last night that you're gonna clear your suit room."

"No we didn't. You were being such a woman about everything and did all the talking… I never actually said yes."

"Barney! Be serious of course you agreed!"

"Robin, you asking me questions while I'm climaxing and me answering doesn't count as acquiescence. That's straight up torture tactics. Besides, I just don't see how my clearing the suit room will help sell this marriage as real. It's not like he's got a checklist that says, suit room = fake marriage. Seriously, what has that room got do to with anything!?"

"Your attachment to your suits is very unhealthy you realize that right?"

"Do you realize that it's not my fault high fashion is a foreign language is Canada?"

She gave him the finger. He shrugged. Walking towards her he craned his neck to see the contents of the box.

"Tell me there are some adult battery operated fake penises in there."

"No sorry I just brought stuff I use, but if you want we can get you one later."

"Very funny."

Robin opened the box and took a couple picture frames of her dogs and looked around the room for the ideal place to set them down; she settled on placing one in front of the Samurai sword and the other by the side-table. Barney rolled his eyes, a tense set to his shoulders. She was going to ruin his apartment, he saw that now.

"Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No just a cup of coffee before I left the apartment… Wow, you've been busy! Two towels in the bathroom and a disabled jerk-toilet seat!"

Barney ground his teeth and rocked on the heels of his feet with irritation. He followed her as she observed that the porn stash had been removed as well.

"Okay now I'm speechless, you got rid of the porn on your own and you didn't disintegrate into dust! Barney I'm so proud of you!"

She grinned at him triumphantly and he grimaced.

"Robin, don't take this the wrong way but, fuck you."

She laughed, "Okay later, _after_ we go shopping!"

Barney let himself be dragged out of the apartment; he didn't understand why she was enjoying this so much. She was supposed to be 110% Bro but she was behaving like a chick, determined to ruin all the fun and torture him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxx

Barney and Robin looked around the apartment with a critical eye; they had spent two hours shopping after grabbing a quick breakfast at a diner. By the time they got home the furniture people had been waiting, ready to move in the furniture and assemble it. Barney had lovingly removed all his suits from his spare bedroom and while he consoled them in their special armoire that was going to be taken to storage, Robin had overseen the arrangement of furniture in the spare bedroom. After the spare bedroom, they had stacked the shelves with classic literature and favorite fiction and non-fiction books. Cushions had been added to the couch and the two new compact leather La-Z-boys in the living room as well as a blue and cream Persian runner between the Wall TV and the coffee table. New bedding with lots of pillows had been added to Barney's bedroom and pictures of Barney and Robin had been strewn around the room. Two leather and chrome bar-stools had been added under the counter top so they could eat there when they chose, groceries had been stacked in the fridge and kitchen cupboards and they had even gone so far as to buy Robin's 'wedding china' a ridiculously expensive white, gold-plated affair that Robin had admired.

"Okay, pay up Sparkles, you owe me a good screw before Jack gets here." Barney said briskly.

Robin threw her arms around him and wrapped her legs around his waist, "Let's go christen our new sheets!'

He had expected resistance or at least reluctance but recovered from his surprise quickly, speed walking them to the bedroom while his lips blazed a trail down her neck.

He threw her back on the bed and took a step back to unbutton his shirt, she was frantically working her clothes off, his sapphire platinum ring glinting on her finger, caught his eye and he felt his chest seize. He realized in that instant that there was no doubt that he was in love with her. Yeah, he was going to admit it to himself as an absolute.

Fear froze the blood in his veins, this was really happening, it had already happened! Barney Stinson was hopelessly and completely in love with Robin Scherbatsky, and it may be the effects of time but he was pretty sure this was a whole lot more intense than what he had ever felt for Shannon. Something he had thought not only was impossible but he had successfully insulated himself from ever having to feel.

Despite all the internal turmoil, Barney managed to undress completely on autopilot so when Robin rose up on her knees and pulled him towards her on the bed, he slammed a door on his fears and proceeded to collect his reward.

-----------------------------------------xxxxxxxxx

"What the hell is that!?" the panic in Robin's voice was ill-concealed as she pointed at the picture on the bedside table.

It was a picture of the two of them on the boat in Atlantic City; she was wearing the veil and looking into Barney's eyes with a big smile on her face. The picture was taken so close up they looked the only two people in the world.

"That's our wedding pic, you didn't think that we'd get away with not having a single picture of our union of true love on display did you?"

"But I don't remember it being taken and we look so-"

"Married?" he cut her off matter-of-factly.

She turned to him and studied his body language and relaxed demeanor, the combination was basically screaming out to her that she was making a big deal out of nothing.

"Yeah… married."

"Well we've got a whole wedding album, I took it down to my usual scrap booker, Heloise and she's outdone herself."

"A wedding album!?!"

"You've been around married people before right?"

Robin was dumbstruck. He had a point but still this was all getting so convoluted. Their black and white arrangement was going to soon be overtaken by gray.

The doorbell rang effectively cutting off their conversation; Barney secretly breathed a sigh of relief. After his new found realization he did not think he could take Robin's complete disregard for what was going on between them.

"Shit! I've got really big sex hair, thanks for the heads up!" she hissed at him as she caught her reflection, following him out of the room and towards the door.

Barney ignored her and opened the front door with a flourish, "Bro! Glad you could make it!"

Jack Johnson was wearing a black wool suit and a white shirt with a bow tie.

"Nice suit!"

Robin thought he looked like an undertaker and a depressed penguin, maybe both.

"Thank you, and how are you today B-Man… Mrs. Stinson."

"We're great, we just had a little pre-lunch somethin' somethin' so we're famished!" Barney said in his usual half confident half smug tone.

Robin blushed as she self-consciously finger combed her hair. Jack Johnson summarily dismissed her appearance, looking around the room and nodding to himself.

"You ready to go or do you wanna look around the Fortress of B-Awesome first?" Robin asked in her false cheerful newscaster voice.

"I'd just like to wash my hands then I'll be ready, I don't see anything on the stove so I'm guessing you don't cook?"

Robin narrowed her eyes at him but before she could make a sarcastic remark Barney clapped his hand on Jack's shoulder.

"Of course she does Bro, but between you and me, I didn't marry her for her culinary skills… bathroom's right here."

Robin bunched her hands into fists, God she wanted to shoot Jack Johnson!

The door shut behind him and Barney came back into the living room, Robin opened her mouth to say something and Barney cupped the back of her head and leaned in to kiss her. A few minutes later she'd forgotten all about Jack Johnson and his snide demeanor.

"Ahem… I'm ready now."

Robin started but Barney kept her head in place, gently ending their kiss he slicked her hair down and pulled away from her with an encouraging wink.

"Awesome, let me just get Robin's coat, we're going to the Four Season's, they have an amazing Argentinian steak with roast potatoes, come on Sweetheart let's wrap you up!"

Robin couldn't help the small smile that passed her lips as Barney stuffed her into her coat and then bestowed a kiss on her cheek in a hug. Her face tingled from the contact and something inside her shifted. The man had a knack for making a woman feel special even when he wasn't lying to get her into bed. This was Barney; the womanizer, the cad, the guy who'd broken his cardinal rule and married her just so she wouldn't have to leave. Things between them were getting so confusing! With an internal sigh, Robin resolved to allow herself to bask in their fake newlyweds' intimacy and not second-guess him today. She even managed to smile at Jack Johnson and he grinned back, swept up in the energetic aura Barney was radiating. Maybe today would work out well after all. They were both in the hands of a master that much was obvious.

---------------------------------------------------xxxxx


	7. Chapter 7 Fortress of Awesome

**CHAPTER 7 – FORTRESS OF AWESOME**

Barney sat at the table across from Jack and took another sip of his wine.

After lunch at the Four Seasons, they had taken Jack to the Cigar Bar then to play laser tag. By the time they left the laser tag place it was getting dark so they had decided to go for dinner at an upmarket French brasserie in Manhattan.

Robin had just gone to the bathroom while they waited for dessert. Barney knew that it was the best opportunity to see what decision the man had made but his gut told him it would be okay.

Jack's fair complexion was flushed from all the alcohol he had consumed throughout the day. "You know Barney, I am going to approve yours and Robin's application."

Barney set his glass down carefully and waited for Jack to continue.

"I am not a stupid man. I can see that your wedding isn't for all the reasons the two of you claim it is-"

Barney opened his mouth to interject but Jack held up a liberally freckled hand to stop him.

"You're in love with her though, that is clear as glass to me…and she seems to care about you way more than just friends-"

"Bros!" Barney corrected.

"So I'm not going to write about the real reasons for your wedding in my report because… she seems to care about you way more than just bros."

"What makes you so sure?"

"A career of studying people."

"Hmm… so what are the conditions? I too have made a career of reading people."

"Well, I don't know B-Man what do you suggest?"

"You're a Knicks fan, so how about season tickets?"

"I don't know it's not exactly kosher for me to accept anything like that from you."

"Okay Bro, I know what this is…what if I throw in an all expenses paid trip to Vegas for you… and a friend as well?"

"Vegas huh?"

"You can stay in the penthouse suite at the Bellagio. I'm a rich man. You approve our application and I can make it out as a thank you gift."

"Deal!"

"Smart man, holding out for the Bellagio."

Barney picked up his wine and drank the remaining contents. Jack shrugged, his eyes twinkling.

"Yeah well, I knew I had to make you feel like you've pulled out all the stops."

"What do you mean?" Barney poured some more wine into his glass and topped up Jack's as well.

"Well, the only reason I'm doing this is because I kind of want to see you get your girl. There really is something there, but a guy like you and a girl like her need some time... and competition and therapy, but that's besides the point… Look, USCIS guys in my section; we're a bunch of romantics. It'd be nice to see this marriage of convenience work out. It's happened before you know."

"The _only_ reason huh?"

"Okay and why would I pass up Knicks season tickets and Vegas? Usually I get offered a couple hundred dollars or a year's free meals at whatever little restaurant. It's rare for wealthy men to need my help. And you know, I may not be an alpha male but I'm still a man."

Barney processed this and shrugged. "Yeah I get it I guess."

"So you've got a year to make it happen."

"A year?"

"Yeah, after that someone else will be checking up on you guys for the next year. It's policy."

"Huh, a year…"

"Yeah, a year. So you know…make it count, Bro."

"Oh… Our dessert's not here yet!?" Robin complained as she sat back down in her seat. They both jumped but one look at her clueless face told them she hadn't overheard anything.

"No not yet Sparkles. Have some more wine."

"Hmm… so Mr. Johnson we were talking about your lack of a girlfriend…. We have to do something about that! Tonight! Oh we can take you to our bar, Maclarens and be wingmen and get women for you!" Robin clapped her hands in growing excitement, her eyes sparkling under the lights.

Barney smiled at her indulgently. She was totally tipsy.

"Yeah Bro, that's the least we can do. You spent the day awesoming with us, we can't let you go home without a nice piece of strange on your arm!"

Jack blushed furiously, shaking his head.

"Come on! It'll be fun… No wait - it'll be legen- fucking-dary!" Robin exclaimed, positively bouncing in her chair.

"Come on Bro… You're dealing with the best here. We'll get you some strange! And bros don't let other bros down!"

"Strange! Strange! Strange!" Robin chanted encouragingly.

Jack turned a darker shade of red but nodded his head slightly in agreement with their suggestion.

Barney and Robin high-fived each other and shared a triumphant look. Their desserts arrived just then, breaking the connection as everybody turned their attention to their plates.

As Robin finished her last bite of cheesecake, Jack picked up his glass and tapped it gently with his fork.

"This has been one of the most awesome days I've ever had-"

"Bro please… this _was_ the awesomest day you've ever had."

"Okay fine, this is the awesomest day I've ever had. Laser tag was just incredible! Ahem, anyway, I have made my decision, but it has conditions."

Robin looked at Barney nervously. He placed a reassuring hand on her thigh under the table. She covered his hand with her left and squeezed it.

"I'm approving your application _ but_ you are definitely going to have to live together because I am going to periodically check on you."

An anticipatory silence descended on the table. Finally, Robin screwed up enough courage to ask the question on both her and Barney's minds, albeit for different reasons.

"Why?"

"Cause those are the rules; once you make a visit you have to make a few more. Since I'm convinced that you guys aren't trying to scam the good folks at USCIS, I won't be visiting you on a weekly or bi-weekly basis but I or someone else at our offices if I am unavailable, will be checking on you."

"Well whatever you gotta do Bro… Robin and I have nothing to worry about or to hide do we baby?"

He squeezed her thigh. Robin leaned in and kissed him. Pulling away she shook her head.

"Of course not. Visit whenever, Bro."

"On that note, let's have some champagne!" Barney called out, signalling a waiter.

Jack's face brightened up and he gave Barney a subtle thumbs up which Barney acknowledged with a brief wink.

"Oh yes! Champagne is definitely in order!" Robin agreed, smiling brightly and clapping her hands together in anticipation.

Jack hadn't given them a total pass but it wouldn't be too bad either. It was kinda fun playing a married couple with Barney, and there was no real harm in it anyway.

-----------------------------------xxxxxxx

"You've really just come back from a two year secret space launch?"

"Yes, yes he has, that's why he's so pale… and out of step with current fashion!" Robin cut in.

The redhead with the Superman logo tattooed on her lower back was gazing at Jack Johnson with unbridled lust.

"That's so sweet of you guys to take him out on his first night back on Earth, but I think if he really wants to blow some steam he should come home with me," the redhead informed Barney and Robin as they sat next to each other in the booth at the back of Maclaren's.

Jack's eyes nearly popped out of his skull at the redhead's blatant sexual invitation. Barney smiled.

"Go ahead Jessica, take him, he's all yours! If I wasn't married to such a hot lady myself, I'd definitely be trying to get you to take me to your place."

"Yeah he totally would," Robin nodded in amusement.

Her eyes lingered on Barney's face as he grinned mischievously at her. Barney's left arm was around her waist and she was half-sitting on his lap. His right hand was stroking up and down her thigh in a hypnotic, absent-minded motion. She could no longer remember if this was because of their lovey dovey couple schtick or if they had just relaxed into this position. She was too happy about Jack's decision and pleasantly intoxicated to care.

"Okay let me grab my purse," Jessica said, as she speed walked back to her table.

Robin and Barney turned excited faces towards Jack.

"I can't believe this! It worked!" Jack was in complete shock.

"Of course it worked Bro! I'm the greatest wingman ever! And keep that expression on your face it'll make her think she's the best you've ever had."

Robin elbowed him gently.

"Thank you, so much! Both of you, this is really awesome!" Jack gushed impassionedly.

Barney and Robin nodded as Jessica came back to their table and taking Jack's hand pulled him out of his seat.

"Okay guys we're gonna go. Don't wait up for him."

"Go! Go with God you two!" Barney made the papal blessing sign at them.

Robin chuckled as the two of them walked away. She slid her left hand over to Barney's face and cupped his chin. "I'm pretty ready to go myself."

"You are?"

"Oh yeah Stinson. We need to celebrate, so take me home and tap this!"

Barney shot out of the booth and pulled her along with him. They giggled like little kids as they stumbled out into the cold air and flagged a cab back to his place.

---------------------xxxxx

Robin sat on the couch and looked at the picture of her in her veil, that Barney had placed in the living room. She hadn't noticed it earlier when Jack had arrived. She took another sip from her water bottle and critically studied herself. The picture had been taken after the ceremony and it was just her with the lights of Atlantic City twinkling in the background. If she remembered correctly, Karma had taken it. Her veil formed a white gauzy shroud around her face and the camera was softly out of focus lending a dreamy quality to the picture. What had Robin perturbed was that not only was she glowing from a little too much whisky but she actually looked like a bride, who had just married the man of her dreams. How the hell had Karma captured sentiment that wasn't even there? And why was it even bothering her at all?

Barney walked out of the shower and leaned against the door jamb.

"It's a good picture of you. Why are you scowling at it?"

She dropped the frame, startled.

"Christ, Barney, you scared me!"

"Not half as much as you're scaring that picture!"

Robin placed the frame back on the coffee table next to the picture of her with all her dogs.

"It's just weird to see photographic evidence of the AC, you know?"

Barney sat down on the couch next to her and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah I guess."

Robin felt an urge to stroke his damp hair back but caught herself before she acted on it. Jack Johnson was at Jessica's getting a happy; there was no need to continue pretending to be that kind of intimate. She curled her hand into a fist and saw the sapphire glinting.

"Nice one getting Mr. Johnson a nightcap, Barney."

Barney smiled. "Well you helped."

"Not really, I was kinda just woo-ing a lot."

"Yeah you were actually."

"Even better, he's gonna approve us."

"Like there was ever any doubt."

Robin's eyes raked his damp, nice smelling form and she gave in the urge to lean into him. Barney brought an arm up around her shoulders and she relaxed against him, also staring up at the ceiling now.

"So we've got a quarter of my stuff here and a closet full of new clothes."

"And we have to live together."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"How do you feel about having a roommate?"

"Well… you won't be a roommate seeing as you'll have your own room."

"You know what I mean!" She punched his arm lightly.

"Yeah I do, no, it's cool. I told you that you could depend on me and I wouldn't let you down."

"I know Barney and thank you, but I feel like it's a lot to ask. It was supposed to be temporary and now we have to keep this up for like two years."

"Robin, it's you! And it's me! Neither one of us are planning on settling down anytime soon so what does it matter?"

"We're gonna have to keep on lying to the rest of the group… I think I'm gonna end up feeling kinda bad."

"So what, you don't feel bad already?"

"No, not really."

"Yeah me too."

They chuckled a little at this.

"Seriously Barney, do you think we can do this and keep it a secret?"

"Oh Canada… you and I are Mr and Mrs Awesome not only in name and reputation but officially too… We can totally do this. And come on admit it, we are far more evolved than our lovable friends, so yes I don't think it'll be a problem keeping this a secret. It's gonna be fun!" Barney jiggled her shoulder as he spoke then sat up to look her straight in the eyes.

She sat up too and after a few seconds of hesitation she leaned in and hugged him - his enthusiasm was contagious. Pulling away slightly, her arms still around his neck, she looked into his eyes and smiled.

"Yeah you're right, it will be fun! 'Sides you've soundproofed your walls so it's not like I'm gonna be kept up or you'll be kept up if we bring someone home."

Barney's grin grew even wider, "Oh I will be kept up if I bring someone home! Besides, we've got this great no strings attached sex thing going on too! This is gonna be the awesomest bro pad of all time."

"Yeah it will!" Robin leaned in without thinking and kissed him.

Barney's lips met hers, and he pulled her closer. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he pulled off his towel, with her in his bathrobe it was very easy to work under it. She moaned softly as he entered her.

"Come on, let's go christen our bed again," he whispered into her ear as he rocked his hips back and forth in long, gentle strokes.

"Okay later, right now… oh… don't stop," Robin gasped sinking her teeth into his shoulder.

Barney chuckled softly; this was going to be awesome!

-------------------------------------xxxxxxxx

"Ted we need to talk," Robin started off.

Ted was teasing his hair into his usual hairstyle before he set out for work; Robin was wearing a knee-length figure hugging, white wool dress with a cowl neck. It was one of the items of clothing Barney had not only chosen but had bought for her yesterday.

"Okay sure! Where've you been? I haven't seen you since yesterday morning after your really late night. Let me guess, you went to his place instead this time?"

Robin set her handbag down on the red sofa and put her hands on her hips.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually."

Ted stopped fiddling with his hair and turned to face her. This looked serious.

"What's up?"

"Okay you know how we were hooking up a couple weeks ago and it was threatening to screw everything up?"

"Yeah, but that's behind us now!"

"Yeah for now… and to be honest I think it's a little weird, living here with you without a buffer zone or a referee. Especially when I want to bring someone home-"

"I've never stopped you from bringing someone home!"

"Not directly you haven't no, but your eyes and your actions say otherwise Ted."

"Robin what are you saying? What do you want me to do?"

"I'm moving out."

Ted's face fell. He scratched the back of his head and shrugged, not knowing what else to do. Robin looked at the floor and started to play with her hands. It was only then that she realized she still had Barney's wedding ring on her finger. Her eyes flew over to Ted but he was too busy staring at his feet, and she quickly slipped the ring off her finger, holding it tightly in her right fist.

"Where are you gonna go? It's not like you've gotten paid yet."

"I'm gonna go to Barney's apartment."

"Barney!? Is this a joke? There is no way he will let you move into the 'Fortress of Barnitude.' Women who aren't one night stands are illegal immigrants there!"

Robin bit her lip but couldn't stop herself, "Actually it's going to be known as the Fortress of Awesome from now on and there will be at least one other legal citizen there: me."

Ted frowned at her, in confusion. "You're serious about this aren't you?"

"Yes I am… and I'm moving out today."

"Does Barney know you're moving in with him or are you just gonna pull a Lily?" Ted asked sceptically.

"He knows. He's not exactly thrilled but he'll come round to it."

Ted smiled. "Okay, but in two weeks time when he kicks you out, know that your room is still your room."

Robin started to shake her head but stopped herself. "I think it'll be okay but thanks anyway Ted."

He leaned in to hug her but Robin chose that moment to step away and walk to her room, preoccupied with hiding the ring before she accidentally dropped it or did something equally stupid.

Ted watched her go with a frown on his face. There was something different about Robin but he couldn't put his finger on what it was just yet.

----------------------------xxxxxx

Barney sat in his office and stared at the photo album of his marriage to Robin. Heloise had helpfully emailed him the virtual version because apparently online wedding albums were all the rage these days.

He still couldn't get used to the fact that not only did he have a real wife but that woman was Robin Scherbatsky. How the hell had that actually happened? And what was he going to do about his feelings for her? Initially when he had thought that she would be living at the apartment he had believed he could handle it, but now he was realizing that she was going to be there, in his personal space, everyday…tainting everything to the point that when this charade came to an end he was probably going to have to sell the place and every piece of furniture to even begin to get over her.

The page loaded to a picture of him and Robin blowing cigar rings towards Karma who had taken most of the pictures. If he had to give anybody a poster to advertise Barney and Robin this would be it. The only thing wrong with the picture was that she still had her veil on so he couldn't show it to the rest of the gang. But he could send them to James. Oh God James! He hadn't been to see his brother in three weeks which was highly unusual. He was always at the house once or twice a week. He reached over for his cell phone and called his brother.

"Hey Bro! I know, I know I'm sorry. I'm an asshole!"

"Barnaby Stinson, you've got a lot of nerve calling me and acting as if you didn't drop a bombshell on me about you and Robin getting married then never call me back or explain!"

"I'm sorry James. It all happened so fast and I didn't and don't know where to start."

"How 'bout the beginning?"

"Hmm, why don't I tell you in person?"

"Uh huh, when?"

"This Sunday, when I come over?"

"So you're not gonna tell me anymore than that until then?"

"Nooo... I'll tell you on Sunday, when I come over, we just went over this!"

"Okay, little brother you wanna play it like that then fine. Tom, Ralph and I will be expecting you two at noon on Sunday then."

"Ahh… I don't think I'll be bringing Robin-"

"Oh you're gonna bring her alright!"

"But James, it's kind of a secret that we got married and nobody's supposed to know."

"Good thing I'm not anybody then… did you tell Mom?"

"NO! And you're not gonna either!"

"Okay, okay, then I guess that puts Ted Mosby knowing in the realm of impossibility too right?"

"Oh God no, Ted, Marshall and Lily know nothing about this and they're not gonna under any circumstances James!"

"None of your friends know the two of you upped and got married, huh? I am totally intrigued now. Well, if you want me to keep my mouth shut then you know what you have to do, right?"

Barney sighed in exasperation, why had he told James?

"Barney!?"

"I have to bring Robin with me on Sunday."

"For starters, yes. My silence is not going to come cheap."

"James, you're my brother! How can you extort me like this?"

"Serves you right for not telling me everything straight off the bat. And you're lucky that you finally called me back - I was about to call Ted and find out if you and Robin had flown off somewhere on your honeymoon."

Barney felt his stomach drop to his feet and tiny beads of sweat pop out on his upper lip. _That_ would have perfectly fucked everything up!

"Then I guess that was really close… listen James I gotta go, I'll see you on Sunday, okay?"

"Yep, Sunday brunch it is!"

"Alright, give Ralph a high-five for me and remember you're _not to tell anyone_!"

"My lips are currently sealed. Love you man, bye!"

Barney put the phone down and stared at the screen unseeing as Jack Johnson's words came back to him from last night. As far as making some headway on getting Robin he supposed brunch at James and Tom's would either make or break them. His heart clenched in apprehension. How was he going to get Robin to come with him? And was he really going to try and _ get_ Robin?

His phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and couldn't help the smile that broke out; Robin.

"What's up Scherbatsky?"

"Hey Barney, just wanted you to know that I've pretty much moved all my stuff in now."

"Already!?"

"Yeah… is that a problem?"

"No, of course not! I just didn't think you'd have told Ted already seeing as you left my-_our_ apartment just this morning."

"Ted hasn't called you?"

"No, why would he?"

"Cause I told him this morning just before he left for work that I was moving out and going to live with you."

"You did _what_!?"

"I couldn't exactly just move out and not say where I was going now could I?!"

Barney's heart was racing; Ted knew Robin was moving in with him!? His left arm started to ache dully as it was prone to do when he was very tired or stressed since the bus accident. He jiggled it absentmindedly.

"Barney!?"

"I'm here, I'm just thinking about how to spin this."

"I don't think you-we need to spin anything. It's fine. He's okay with it."

"He is?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm… then why didn't he call me after you guys spoke?"

"I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's busy?"

"Huh… okay, well I'm almost done here. I'll meet you at the bar in about forty-five minutes?"

"Yeah that sounds great, I'll see you there. Bye!"

Barney stared at the phone for a few seconds before he slid it in his pocket. He knew Robin and he knew Ted, better than they knew themselves even. There was some other aspect of this that she hadn't told him and Ted not calling him showed that his bro was troubled and maybe mad at him.

He shut down his computer and got ready to leave the office wondering how to handle this.

--------------------------------xxx

Barney walked into MacLaren's to see Lily and Ted sitting at their usual booth. They looked like they were deep in conversation.

"Hey guys! What are we talking about?"

"Barney!" Lily exclaimed excitedly.

"Hey Barney," Ted said softly.

Barney slid into the booth next to Lily and shrugged off his overcoat. He also undid one button on his suit jacket.

"We were just talking about the latest group development actually," Lily said with a searching look.

"Huh." Barney said mysteriously as Wendy set a double gin and tonic in front of him and another beer for both Ted and Lily.

Ted looked at Barney expectantly and Lily was practically vibrating out of her seat as she waited for Barney to elaborate. He didn't, choosing to take a sip of his drink instead. Lily smacked him on the arm.

"You and Robin living together!?"

"Robin and I living together? Where did you get that Lily?"

"From Ted who got it from Robin!"

Ted nodded in agreement, looking at Barney with a confused expression, "You do know Robin is moving in with you right?"

Barney frowned thoughtfully then, shutting one eye as if just remembering, he smacked his forehead. "Oh yeah, we are! Is that today?"

Ted and Lily shook their heads at him, writing it off as Barney just being Barney. An unspoken tension seemed to dissipate immediately.

"Yeah Barney it is. Robin came in this morning and told me she was moving out. Why didn't you tell me?"

Barney tilted his head to the right a little, studying Ted.

"Dude I've got a lot going on, what with the Venezuelans and the North Koreans, I forget some of the smaller stuff you know?"

"Well, Ted says he went up to the apartment before coming down here and all her stuff is gone."

Ted shook his head and smiled ironically, "You know I bet she hasn't even moved in to your place Barney… you know how secretive Robin can be right?"

"Oh no, she did ask if she could move in with me and I begrudgingly said yes… and besides if she wasn't moving in with me where the hell else would she be going?"

"Well, there is that guy she came home with two nights ago… they were so into each other they didn't even see me going into the bathroom," Ted volunteered.

Barney choked on his drink. "What guy?"

Lily thumped him on the back.

"I don't know. Some Benjamin Bratt lookalike she brought back to the apartment two nights ago. He left around 6:30 yesterday morning while I was having my breakfast. I even made him a cup of coffee."

Barney felt the blood in his face drain away. "Benjamin Bratt… seriously?"

It was all he could manage but it was enough to get Ted talking about how the guy had seemed reasonably intelligent. He was a personal trainer apparently. Lily made a joke about how he would be able to work out all the kinks in Robin's body but Barney was lost in a fog of jealous anger. Luckily, Marshall arrived just then and sat down next to Ted, bringing a welcome reprieve from the subject matter.

"Hey bro, didn't see you after lunch today. Tina said you were swamped."

"Who's Tina?" Ted asked.

"Barney's secretary. She looks like a model and wears really tight-fitting designer suits. Half the male staff members have a thing for her," Marshall supplied helpfully.

"Yeah you did," Ted said fist-bumping Marshall.

"Had to," Marshall replied.

"Barney are you okay?" Lily asked solicitously.

"Of course I am why wouldn't I be? Just thinking about work, but let's forget about that!"

"So how about a housewarming party at your apartment!?" Lily suggested excitedly.

Barney's eyebrow shot up.

"Oh yeah, dude that would be so awesome! We could actually take this party over there right now when Robin gets here… unless it's a scam and you guys really haven't moved in together-"

"Of course we've moved in together. Why would that be a scam?" Robin intoned as she pulled up a chair to sit at the end of the table.

There was a chorus of 'Robin!' from the rest of the group. Barney was quiet, studying her as he tried to understand how she could have gone home with a Benjamin Bratt lookalike then spent the whole day making googly eyes at him yesterday.

"Hey Roomie!" Robin chirped happily.

"Hey Scherbatsky," Barney reciprocated with the same chirp. It rang fake only to his ears.

"So you guys have really moved in together? When did you decide this?" Marshall asked.

"Uh… I don't know a couple of days ago. I've been really spaced with work stuff which is why it had slipped my mind."

"Barney are you going to be able to handle an illegal immigrant in the Fortress of Barnitude?" Lily teased.

Barney gave her a withering look.

"Actually Lil it's going to be known as the Fortress of Awesome from now on," Robin corrected.

The whole table oohed and ahhed in appreciation of the new name. Barney smiled his most blinding and charming smile.

"Yeah well if the Fortress is gonna change up it's gonna change up right! Robin likes Scotch, smokes cigars, sleeps around like a true Bro – unlike you Ted – and she can sack up with the best of 'em."

"You got the sleeping around part right," Marshall added.

"Hey!" Robin protested.

Marshall gave her an apologetic smile and she grinned back at him.

"But what about the day to day living together stuff, how do you know if you two will be compatible?" Lily asked.

"Well, I've got quite a bit of traveling to do these next couple of months so I'll barely be there anyway."

Everyone including Robin turned to Barney, who held up a hand.

"Its work stuff. You guys know I can't talk about it."

"But you're a bank manager now, how-"

"That's what you guys think. Now enough about work. Let's talk about Robin's Benjamin Bratt lookalike!"

Everyone turned to Robin and started to tease her good-naturedly. Robin coloured under all the attention and stubbornly made herself meet Barney's unreadable eyes.

"There's nothing to tell. I met him two nights ago and he came upstairs with me."

"Yeah you did!" Barney said, holding his fist out for a bump.

Robin obliged, masking her confusion at his reaction.

"And, are you going to see him again? Ted says he's a personal trainer."

"How'd you know that?"

"I made him coffee before he left yesterday morning."

"Oh, that's why he said thanks for the coffee in his text message. I thought it was a euphemism."

"Well? Are you going to see him again?" Lily pressed.

"What? No! Maybe… I don't know."

"He seemed like a really nice guy," Ted offered.

Robin frowned, and took a deep a breath, finding it easier to meet Ted's eyes than Barney's, "I wouldn't really know. We didn't do much talking."

"Uh oh, did he not rock your boat?" Barney asked knowingly.

"Umm… it's kind of a blur, really but I guess I could go out for dinner with him and see, right?" Robin addressed the space just in front of Barney's nose.

Barney downed the rest of his gin and tonic and shrugged. "It's totally up to you but if the sex didn't make an impression through the drunken blur I'd say you already know all you need to know."

"I disagree."

"You would Mosby."

"It is totally possible that Robin could go out on a date with him and have sex with him again and realize he's rocked her world."

Lily and Marshall nodded in agreement. Barney signaled Wendy to bring him another drink. Then resting his elbows on the table he leaned forward.

"Kids let me impart with you some knowledge…"

The whole table groaned good-naturedly but leaned in to hear what Barney had to say.

He smiled to himself smugly. They would never guess how much this subject-matter was killing him. If Robin wanted to play hardball though, he'd be more than happy to oblige.

-------------------------------------------xxxxxx


	8. Chapter 8 Brunch at Casa Stinson

**CHAPTER 8 – BRUNCH AT CASA STINSON**

Barney and Robin stumbled into the apartment, shushing each other and giggling like two teens while Barney fumbled for the light switch. As soon as he turned it on they both screwed their eyes shut, their actions were customarily exaggerated as they were quite drunk.

Robin took her coat off and hung it on the hook in the wall; she waved a hand casually around the room to see what Barney thought of her adjustments. Barney looked around, taking note of the few knickknacks Robin had added to the room. Nothing jumped out at him as a gross invasion of his personal space. The room looked almost the same as it had when he had left this morning except the picture of Robin with the veil that had been sitting in front of the Samurai sword, was gone.

"So what do you think? Have I desecrated the 'Fortress of Awesome formerly known as of Barnitude'?" Robin asked swaying slightly on her feet.

Barney shook his head, "No Scherbatsky, the place looks awesome as per usual. Let's take a look at your room and see what you did there."

He took her hand and led the way, pushing the door open he flicked on the light switch and gasped in delight. The queen size mahogany bed they had bought her yesterday dominated the room, she had purple and gray bedding with a bunch of multi-colored pillows and cushions on it. The room had a built in closet with mirrors on its doors, she had put up picture frames of her dogs, her little sister Kate, one of all of them at Marshall and Lily's wedding and pencil sketch of the Eiffel Tower on her bedside tables. The walls were adorned with a couple artistic paintings and sketches and a Robin Sparkles poster. He immediately walked up to the poster and gazed at it in awe.

Robin giggled, "I thought you'd get a kick out of that."

"Where the hell has this been hiding all this time?"

"I had it in a safe place; I put it in that frame today. I realized I was too awesome to be ashamed of my pop star past."

"You are! You really are!" Barney breathed with admiration.

Robin beamed at him.

"So how bout we take my new bed for a test-run?"

Barney's eyebrow shot up. "Now?"

"Yeah, now? What are you shy all of a sudden? Or maybe you're just tired?"

"Is that a challenge Sparkles?"

She shrugged, her eyes twinkling as she started to undress. Barney grinned naughtily as he walked up to her and picking her up threw her on the bed. Robin shrieked in delight. He laughed as he crawled over her and holding her hands above her head bent his head down to kiss her.

"You have to know better than to challenge the B-Man."

"Are you gonna talk all night B-Man or actually do something?"

"Oh ho ho… now you've really gone and done it Canada. Hold on to your toque this is gonna be a night you'll be writing home _aboot,_" Barney promised as he unbuttoned her jeans and slid them down her hips.

Jeans off, he pulled her panties off and settled his face between her thighs. Robin writhed in anticipation, a self-satisfied grin on her face.

-----------------------------xxxxxxxx

It was noon and Robin was just waking up, a broad smile on her face. Last night had been the stuff of legends. Barney had made love to her until dawn, and she was pleasantly sore all over. She frowned suddenly; no Barney had not made love to her what had made her think _that_? They had had sex, pure and simple. Yes it had been tender but it had been so very hot too, they had done things she had never done before. Besides 'making love' was something that couples and Ted did and they were so not a couple or Ted Mosby. They were two Bros that hung out, had amazing, earth-shattering sex and were secretly married to each other. That last line of thought reverberated in her head over and over again.

Right…. This marriage thing was going to become a big problem if they let it. But they wouldn't let it. They both had slept with other people within 48 hours of the ink drying on their marriage certificate. And yes they were living together but they slept in separate rooms. In fact Barney had left her to sleep in her own bed, heading for a shower before retiring to his own bedroom this morning. So why was she even confused or trying to sort this out in her head?

Robin groaned getting out of bed and headed for the shower. She smiled when she walked into the bathroom. It looked so different now with bath and face towels in it as well as her shampoo, conditioner, body wash, soaps, blow dryer. It looked welcoming.

She stepped into the shower stall and turned the knob setting the fancy shower head to the setting that gently massaged the skin. After the bus accident last year, Barney had had the curtain removed and glass doors put in so that he could lean on them while he was still undergoing physio.

Okay so she was confused because she had felt guilty about Benjamin Bratt look-alike… what was his name again? She so couldn't remember. Had she ever known it? Not important. What was important was that she could have killed Ted yesterday for bringing him up in front of Barney. It was just weird because they were sleeping together secretly, married secretly and now living together publicly. And they would have to for the next two years. Well they didn't have to sleep together for the next two years but why the hell not? The sex was the best she had ever had and it wasn't weird between them.

She lathered her bath oyster, starting with her arms.

The only reason she was worrying about all of this was because a lot was at stake here and she couldn't afford to let things get messy all because of some misplaced feelings. And that's all there was to it, right? Yes of course. She had come back from Japan broke, disillusioned and unemployed. The last few months had been very confusing for her, like it was for half of the world since this economic recession. So it is only natural (but very dangerous) that she developed and imagined emotional attachments to people that she would not normally become attached to - like Barney.

Robin worked her new Herbal Essences shampoo into her hair, delighting in the scent.

He had literally become her knight in shining armor, never demanding more of her than she was willing to give, Bro-ing out with her in the most awesome of ways whenever she was down, marrying her so she did not have to leave New York. But now that she was living here and she would very soon be going back to work she would go back to normal Robin who would never, ever develop any kind of soft feelings for Barney Stinson.

Rinsing out the shampoo she applied conditioner, making sure to comb her hair so the product could really get soaked into her roots. Then she turned the water to cold so she could rinse the conditioner out.

The best way to nip all of this sort-of feelings crap in the bud would be to get back out there in the dating game and stop overreacting about their wedding pictures. She could totally handle that. Also they were going to have to draw up some sort of agreement about how they were going to live together. Barney had probably been trying to tell her that with his sexcapade with the sculptor the day after the wedding but she had been to dense to realize.

She turned the shower off and stepped out; smiling at the sight of her terry cloth bathrobe hung behind the door next to Barney's. How thoughtful was he? Tying the sash tightly, she reached for her toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste on it. As she started brushing her teeth she resolved not to let her Bro down, she was not going to ruin anything by being anything other than awesome Robin- he deserved that at the very least.

-------------------------------------------xxxxx

Barney stepped into the apartment with an anticipation he had not felt since Lily had lived with him. He was man enough to admit that it was kind of nice to know that the apartment wasn't an empty shell waiting for him to come and inhabit it briefly before leaving it again.

"Hey Barney! How was your day?" Robin called out.

She was standing at his mini-bar fixing a drink. Dressed in jeans and a green turtleneck she reminded him of the way she had looked the first time he saw her at MacLaren's. Sure Ted had ended up trying to get with her but Barney had seen her first, a survival instinct telling him to stay away from her lest she make a mockery of all the philandering principles he had held dear to him since Shannon.

"Hey Scherbatsky, my day was exhausting… seeing as I didn't get any sleep last night and spent the whole day in very contentious contract negotiations. How was yours?"

Robin handed him the dry vodka martini she had just mixed and picked up her half drunken gin and tonic.

"That's why I fixed you one of these, drink up!"she clinked her glass with his.

Barney took an appreciative sip of the cocktail and set his glass down on the table, shrugging out of his suit jacket he tossed it on the La-Z-boy closest to the door and sat down on the couch, loosening his tie as he went. Robin sat next to him and watched him patiently, he must really be tired if he wasn't going to carefully fold his suit jacket. He leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes.

"My day was great…you wanna hear the good news?"

Barney lifted his hand weakly in assent.

"I got a letter from the USCIS telling us that our application had been approved and was currently being processed. They gave me a number that I can enter into my account online and check on the progress. And… the network called me in after lunch to sign the contract, they took down my USCIS number so that they can enter it into the system and in three weeks time and I can start working!"

Barney sat up and was grinning ear from ear in excitement, "Robin that's awesome!"

"I know right!?" Robin bounced in her seat as she leaned in to hug him.

Barney closed his eyes as he held her, inhaling the scent of her perfume and mango papaya shampoo and savoring the feel of her warm body pressed against his. Robin inhaled the scent of Barney's expensive cologne and ran her hands over his back, the silk shirt sliding softly underneath her palms. She realized she did not want to let go.

"Thanks Barney, this all thanks to you."

Barney pulled away and gave her an indulgent look, "Robin, all I did was edit and film the video, the network hired you not the video resume. As for the USCIS, I think our good friend Jack Johnson developed a little crush on you the other day, so once again, I had very little to do with it."

Robin wanted to argue but realized that it wouldn't serve any purpose so she smiled at him instead and picking up his martini passed it to him. He accepted it from her gratefully and took a drink. Glass still in hand he leaned back again and closed his eyes, his left hand lingering around her waist.

"I also cooked dinner 'cause I wanted to say thank you its-"

Barney sat up and watched her intently, it was all Robin could do not to get up and run.

"-nothing fancy, chicken pot pie and roast potatoes… and I baked my Mom's infamous gooey brownies-" she stopped talking when Barney leaned in and kissed her chastely.

"Well let's eat! I'm starving!" Barney exclaimed getting up.

She shook off her confusion and ignoring her racing pulse she went to the kitchen to take the food out of the warmer. Barney went into his room and came out a few minutes later with a bottle of expensive French wine.

"I got this from a client of ours who owns a winery in France, I was gonna give it to Marshall and Lily but since you cooked chicken and you have now rejoined the world of the gainfully employed I think we should drink it. Don't worry it's already chilled I have a mini-fridge in my room."

Robin had set his plate down next to his drink, she smiled at him and gestured for him to sit down, which he did after he opened the wine and brought two wine glasses with him. Robin admired the way he looked with his loosened tie, rolled up shirt-sleeves and tousled hair. Barney moved over to his side of the couch and waited for Robin to sit down, when she had he sat down too and poured the wine.

"This looks and smells heavenly Scherbatsky."

Robin blushed a little at the compliment, accepting her glass of wine. Barney picked up his plate and sampled the food, groaning in appreciation as he bit into some pastry and chicken. Robin glowed at the endorsement. They ate in a companiable silence, clinking their glasses together before they took their first sip of the Chardonnay.

After dinner, Robin insisted on clearing their plates, loading the dishwasher while Barney turned the TV on. Done in the kitchen she brought out the brownies which were still warm, they ate them pretty quickly giggling a little when the other got chocolate goo in their teeth or fingers.

Robin leaned into Barney as he channel-surfed finally settling on a _'Hell's Kitchen'_ re-run.

"I love Gordon Ramsay, I think he's hilarious." Barney said sleepily.

"Barney you're dead on your feet, why don't you go to bed?"

"What you talking about? It's not even eight o'clock! I wanna watch _'Hell's Kitchen'_ then maybe head out to the bar."

"You're not gonna make it through this episode."

"Shh… Scherbatsky, GR's about to swear at that guy."

"How'd you know?"

Before Barney could answer, Gordon Ramsay swore at the kitchen assistant. Barney gave her a vindicated look. She made a face at him and he grinned, turning his eyes back to the TV. Robin tried to move but Barney stubbornly held her close, his eyes already drifting shut. She watched him for a few minutes, his breathing evening out and his features relaxing. He looked younger… and so innocent. He looked nothing like the sophisticated, manipulative, successful corporate man he was. Robin gave herself a mental slap, what was she doing waxing poetic about Barney, hadn't she decided not to do this anymore? Her phone rang. She jumped up running to her room to pick it up.

"Hey Ted!"

"Robin where are you?"

"I'm at home, why?"

"It's a Friday night, what are you doing at home?"

Watching Barney sleep.

"Nothing, I was about to head out, where are you guys?"

"We're at MacLaren's, debating what to have for dinner."

"Oh well, I already ate."

"What about Barney?"

"He's already eaten too."

"Is he there with you?"

"Uh, he's asleep, but I'm coming out tonight so why don't I meet you guys at the bar in an hour and a half, I've got to make a quick stop somewhere first."

"Okay, but its kinda weird that Barney's sleeping at this time on a Friday night isn't it?"

"Yeah well, I think he's been working himself really hard with that thing with the Venezuelans and the North Koreans… so yeah, I gotta go, I'll see you guys soon, bye!"

Robin hung up with a sigh of relief. She stood in the doorway and watched Barney sleep debating whether to wake him up or just cover him with a blanket. She decided on the latter, taking his shoes off for him she brought his feet up on the couch and pulled the cushions from under him so he could sleep comfortably. Going into her room she got her soft purple and pink blanket and covered him with it, he didn't stir. She gave in to the urge to stroke his hair back softly but stopped herself from kissing his forehead. Turning the television off, she went to her room to get ready and meet the gang, obstinately refusing to let herself think about anything other than the fact that she had got the job.

------------------------xxxxxx

Barney woke up around midnight with a start; it took him a few seconds to get his bearings. Sitting up on the couch he looked at Robin's blanket that enveloped him in its feminine warmth. He smiled at this then chased the smile away with a scowl; B-Man didn't do girly blankets unless he was having sex on them.

Jumping up he padded into his room and turned down his covers, in a moment of weakness yesterday he had decided to leave the new bedding on his bed, tomorrow it would go into the linen closet and he would resurrect the old. Walking into the bathroom he washed his face and brushed his teeth, he also relieved his bladder. While he was washing his hands he debated on whether he should go back to sleep or go and get himself some strange. Just as he had decided to go back to sleep, Robin walked into the apartment.

"Barney are you up?" Robin called out softly heading towards the bathroom.

He pushed the door open and grinned, "Take off your shirt and ask me that again."

She rolled her eyes at him but obliged, "I was hoping I'd find you still here, I'm pumped about the job and the USCIS thing and I've had only a respectable amount to drink tonight."

Barney shook his head at her, reaching around her to unhook her bra, "Well you've got impeccable timing, come here."

She wrapped her legs around his waist and he carried them into his bedroom.

-----------------------------------------xxxxxxxx

"So what's it like living with Barney?"

"Lily it's only been two days!"

"Yeah well I'm curious, I mean you guys have had sex before so if he's not bringing bimbos around he must be at least half-heartedly propositioning you, right?"

"After the nuclear fallout that happened the last time we hooked up do you really think Barney would risk the Bro-ship for another roll in the hay with me? Come on Lil, I'm good but not that good."

Lily opened her mouth to disagree then shut it again, "Yeah true… but if something happened between you guys now it wouldn't be like before… or at least it wouldn't have to be if you guys you know tried to make something out of it."

"With Barney Stinson!? What have you been smoking Aldrin?" Robin scoffed as she pulled a pale pink cashmere sweater off the rack.

The two women had decided to go on a shopping date as it was Saturday and Lily was dying to see if maybe there would be a happy ending for two of the people she loved most in the world. She had seen the hurt and the jealousy in Barney's eyes when Ted had brought up Robin's Benjamin Bratt look-alike. She wasn't sure if it was wishful thinking on her part but she thought Robin had seemed a little uncomfortable about the whole thing in front Barney.

"I haven't been smoking anything, I just think maybe-"

"Maybe what? Barney and I will get together like Chandler and Monica in _'Friends'_ while Ted continues on his ultimately successful quest to find the One?"

"It could happen!"

"_Why_ would I want to _date _Barney? He's a womanizing, narcissistic, commitment-phobic, emotionally screwed up little boy with abandonment issues in a 34 year old's body."

Lily stared at Robin who was pressing the cashmere sweater to her body and studying her reflection. She didn't know whether to take encouragement from the fact that Robin had obviously thought about it or to leave it alone because it was obvious that Robin's mind was made up.

"Robin, you can't mean that."

"I do. And why are you suddenly fixated on Barney and I hooking up?"

"I'm not! I was just making conversation!" Lily couldn't help the defensiveness in her tone.

"Okay, Lily… Barney and I are not into each other like that, what happened last year was an accident, never to be repeated so drop it. I'm going to try this on; I've got a date with Jake tonight."

"Who's Jake?"

"Benjamin Bratt look-alike."

"Oh. So you're not going to go with Barney's theory?"

"Again with Barney! And no, I'm not, he's got so many theories if you followed them all you'd end up like him."

Lily refrained from telling Robin that she already was the female version of Barney, parental abandonment issues and all.

----------------xxxxxxx

"Suit up Scherbatsky we're going to the country!" Barney ordered as he swept into her room.

Robin was lying in bed, nursing a hangover from the night before when she had gone out with Jake and drank a little too much so she could drown out the inner Robin telling her she was not really interested in this guy. She had been unable to seal the deal though, lying to Jake that she was on her period. He had been so understanding and chivalrous about it that she had wanted to punch him in the face.

"Barney its Sunday morning and I've got a hangover."

"Yeah well, I've got the cure right here for you."

"I don't feel like having sex right now, I feel like I'd rather lie here still and unmoving, you know, like I'm dead or well on my way there."

Barney shook his head at her with a smile playing on his lips, "I wasn't talking about sex Robin although if you really are close to dying you could go out with a bang and a smile on your face. Hmm … word play! What up? "

Robin rolled her eyes and squashed a pillow over her head, hoping he would take the hint and go away. Barney however, was not going to be deterred; pulling the covers off her he lifted her bodily out of the bed. She squawked in protest, feebly trying to swat his hands off her.

"If I let go of you, it's gonna hurt when you land on the floor Scherbatsky."

"Where are you taking me?"

"To the shower, I've already run it, now unless you want me to get in there with you an-"

"I can do it myself!" Robin cut him off, struggling to her feet in the bathroom.

Hands on hips, she stood there looking at him pointedly. He chuckled, taking the hint he left her to her ablutions.

----------------------xxxxx

"Okay, I'm showered and wearing my sexiest jeans what's up?" Robin asked sharply as she accepted the glass Barney handed her.

"Drink that in one gulp."

She looked into the glass; it was a yellowish color but frothy and smelled like beer. She wrinkled her nose at it.

"Just drink it Scherbatsky."

"Alright!" She downed the contents in three big gulps and gagged reflexively as she tasted the egg as it went down.

"That is an age-old hangover cure, my Mom used to drink it all the time when James and I were kids."

"It's disgusting."

"But it works… that or a pint of Guinness."

Robin suppressed a shudder. Barney nodded as if satisfied and produced her coat which he gestured for her to put on.

"You're being awfully mysterious Stinson, what's going on?"

"We're going to the country. The fresh air will do you good, trust me!" Barney said a touch evasively.

She glared at him but he'd stirred her curiosity so she walked out of the apartment, watching him lock the door and set the alarm. Barney was wearing jeans, a crisp white linen shirt, Converse sneakers and a leather jacket. He looked good enough to eat. Turning towards her he smiled encouragingly and placing his hand in the small of her back, steered her towards the elevators.

-------------xxxx

"Seriously, _where_ are we going?" Robin asked him again after they had spent twenty minutes in the car.

"We're going to see my nephew. It's a Sunday tradition."

"Why am I going with you?"

"'Cause I thought it'd do you good to get out of the apartment and I thought you could see a little more of this glorious country you'll soon be a citizen of."

Robin processed this and found that her head ached a little too much for her to protest. What harm could come from her visiting with Barney's family. She really liked James anyway and Tom had seemed like a great guy. As for the nephew he was what, three now?

Barney snuck a glance at her and saw the resignation on Robin's face and wondered how fast she would flip out if he told her that James knew about their thing… marriage, whatever.

"So where the hell do they live?"

"They're in the 'burbs, Connecticut."

"Huh." Robin said, closing her eyes and leaning her head back on the head-rest.

Barney's fingers tensed around the steering wheel, his heart was beating triple-time. The idea of letting Robin into what was mainly his private territory was seriously freaking him out but he didn't have a choice. Besides, it could be fun, as long as she kept her aversion to children in check, Sam was very important to Barney and he didn't think he could handle it if they didn't get along. But then again Sam was a very engaging and overactive kid if anyone could change her opinion about kids the little guy could. Thinking of his nephew, Barney smiled despite himself. That kid was going to be a heart breaker when he grew up.

--------------------xxx

"Hey Bro! Robin! Welcome to our humble abode!" James greeted them, ushering them into the warm house.

"Hey James!"

"Hi James, thanks for having me over on your family day."

Robin looked around at the high ceilings, polished hardwood floors, antiques and expensive paintings adorning the walls and shook her head good-naturedly.

"You call this humble!?"

James chuckled, taking their coats. At that moment there was a pitter-patter as a little curly headed boy ran up to them.

"Uncle Barney! Uncle Barney! You came!"

Barney picked the boy up and hugged him, "Of course I did little man! You don't think I'd dare miss another Sunday visit with my favorite person in the whole wide world did you!?"

Sam laughed adorably, hugging Barney around the neck, "Why did you stay away so long!?"

"Well, the simple answer to that question kiddo is that Uncle Barney's kind of an ass."

"Barney!" Robin couldn't help herself.

James chuckled, taking Robin's arm, "Oh don't worry that's the only cuss word he's allowed to say in front of Sam."

Robin looked over her shoulder at Barney and the curly-haired dirt blonde boy that could pass as his son. The two of them were chattering away about Barney's transgressions and what Sam thought was adequate penance. Robin felt her heart flip over.

"So Robin, you managed the impossible and got my little brother to marry you! Tell all girl!" James teased.

Robin froze, "You know about that?"

"All I know is that the two of you up and got hitched in the AC! If the story's real good I'll forgive you guys for not inviting me."

Robin chewed on her lip, unsure what to say. James ushered her into a sunny atrium. There was a round table covered by a thick white table cloth, laden with all kinds of food. There was enough to feed a small army. Tom turned away from the grill he was standing at and rushed forward to envelop Robin in a bear hug.

"Robin! Good to see you again!" Tom's soft Southern accent and the timbre of his voice always made Robin think of warm honey being poured over hot crispy grits.

"Hi Tom, it's really good to see you too. Thank you for having me over."

"Oh Girl, ain't no thing you're family now!" James pooh-poohed her.

"Yes, you are! How'd you do it, clever girl?" Tom asked solicitously as he ushered her into a chair at the table.

"I didn't _do_ it as such… it's a marriage of convenience. I was about to get deported back to Canada because my work permit was about to expire so Barney and I got married so I could stay in the country and look for another job." Robin said matter-of-factly.

If she thought Tom and James would freak out, she was pleasantly surprised; they simply nodded their heads in understanding.

"Well, we're glad you're still here in the United States of America, and… we get another female in the family in the bargain!"

They took their seats as Barney strolled in with Sam sitting on his shoulders.

"Uh oh, Robin tell you the real reason we got married?"

Robin was struck by how much more relaxed and mellower Barney had become since they entered this house.

"Yes she did."

"Huh. Hey Sam did you say hi to your new Aunt Robin?" Barney asked the little boy as he set him in his high chair. It was between his seat and James'.

"How's she new? She's a lot bigger than Tony's new sister." Sam scrutinized Robin closely as he spoke.

"New as in, I married her last week smarty pants."

"Oh… Hi Aunt Robin!" Sam said waving excitedly at Robin.

Robin was compelled to smile, "Hey Sam."

Barney took his seat and slapped his hands together, "This looks amazing guys, can we dig in?"

"Please do!" Tom prompted.

"Robin, would you like some blueberry pancakes?"

"Yes please!" Robin said, giving Tom her plate.

"In deference to your Canadianess Robin we got some real Canadian maple syrup."

"Ooh I see and you guys got the good stuff too!"

Barney and James laughed at Robin's enthusiasm, any potential crisis on the marriage issue appeared to have been averted. Barney also felt a relief that Robin had not picked up on the fact that her presence here today had been anticipated.

"What's Canadananess?" Sam asked.

"A very serious condition which makes people a lot less awesome than they should be, kiddo," Barney replied seriously.

"So does Aunt Robin need a doctor?"

Everyone laughed, including Robin.

"No son, just a lot of maple syrup to keep it under control, and American attention." Barney told his nephew.

Robin whacked him really hard on the arm and Sam's eyes twinkled in excitement.

"I think she also needs a restrange order like Mo's dad down the street!"

Robin blushed and Barney laughed so hard he had tears streaming down his face. Tom and James looked on with amused curiosity. It was going to be an interesting day.

-----------------------------------------------xxxx

"And then you put this one here so that it looks like the grass outside when it's nice, see Aunt Robin?" Sam was showing Robin where to place the green piece of Lego.

"Oh yes I do sweetie, but don't you think it would look much better if we put a house on Bambi's land too?"

"Uh Bambi doesn't need a house, she's a deer."

"Of course he does! What if it gets really cold or her and her animal friends need shelter?"

Sam mulled this for a second then shrugged, "Okay, will you help me build it?"

"Of course I will, here hand me that pail of Lego pieces."

Sam scampered across the nursery to get the pail and brought it back triumphantly, beaming at Robin. She felt her lips stretch in a reciprocal smile, this kid was totally adorable!

"Stop hovering Barney, Sam's a pro can't you see he's got her eating out of the palm of his hand already?" James chided Barney who was standing in the nursery doorway looking on anxiously.

Barney tore himself away, and followed James back into the adjacent room. There was a pool table where a game between him and his brother was underway.

"It's just that Robin hates kids and I guess I'm just worried-"

"She doesn't hate kids and even if she does, she doesn't hate our kid so stop fretting!"

"I'm not fretting!"

"You are too, hovering like an overprotective mother hen like that."

Tom was behind their elaborate yet tasteful marble-topped mini-bar making strawberry vodka martinis.

Barney narrowed his eyes at his brother, then took his shot, sinking two stripes, "Mother hen _that_ big brother."

James chuckled, "It ain't over til its over Bro, you know that."

Barney sank his remaining two stripes and then took a shot at the black ball, calling the middle left pocket. The ball landed in its pocket with a resounding 'thunk'. James handed Tom his cue and accepted the strawberry martini his partner handed him.

"Looks like I hit a nerve."

"Yeah, my last nerve, come on over Tom so I can kick your ass too." Barney taunted.

Tom shook his head at Barney, "I think you'll find I'm adequate competition for you Barney."

"Oh I'm on fire today, I wouldn't be so sure."

"Yeah the fire lit under him has a name and it starts with an 'R'." James volleyed.

Barney gave his brother the finger. Tom and James both laughed. Barney gestured for Tom to break.

"So you're into her and she's what? Confused?" James asked softly, coming to stand next to Barney.

"Yeah pretty much. At first I thought she was clueless and just didn't feel anything but over the last couple of months I've stopped being self-involved enough to use my God given skills of reading women and I now see that she feels something for me too."

Barney took a couple shots because Tom had sunk the cue ball.

"But?" James asked.

"There is no but."

"Yeah there is," Tom cut in.

Barney sighed, "I don't think she's ready to accept it… I don't think she's ready to reconcile the feelings she has with the fact that it's Barney, the womanizing idiot."

"That's because you've only wanted her to see that side of you since you guys met." James said seriously.

"Yeah, I know I'm to blame but now it's like its too late and too complicated what with us getting married and her moving in with me, Ted and the entire group dynamic… and me constantly praising her man-eater qualities."

"It's not too late, now is the perfect time for you to make her see you differently. Let down your guard a little and let her in. As for Ted and the group dynamic, if you two are sorted that will work itself out too." James advised sagely.

"I don't know, we have to live together for the next couple of years, do I really want to ruin what we have now by-"

"Hey, who's winning!? Sam and I are have finished building our Lego mansion." Robin announced cheerfully, walking into the room with Sam on her hip.

All three men turned toward Robin with startled guilty looks on their faces.

"Barney's been winning so far but I'm about to show him how we do it Virginia style!" Tom bragged, recovering the fastest.

Robin grinned, "Okay, well I'd like to play the winner."

She set Sam down on his feet and the little boy ran up to the pool table, grabbing hold of the top and peering over the edge at the felt.

"Pick me up so I can watch too Uncle Barney!"

Barney obliged seating Sam in the corner that had no balls in it. The toddler clapped his hands in delight and turned a serious face to watch the game. James went to the bar and brought Robin back a strawberry martini. She accepted it gratefully, taking a seat on the leather sofa by the back wall. James sat down next to her.

"How'd Sam coerce you into carrying him in here?"

"He umm… asked me for a ride actually… when I said that I didn't have a car he said, 'I meant carry me Aunt Robin!'" she laughed self-deprecatingly.

James smiled proudly, "That's my boy, always reasoning his way out of or into things… it's funny actually because that's what Barney was like as a kid."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, he always used to charm, wheedle, or reason his way with me, our Mom, teachers and other kids at school or in our neighborhood."

"Well he's got the charm thing working for him still."

James shrugged, "I guess he does, it's a Stinson trademark."

Robin took a big gulp of her drink, "You don't find the circumstances behind our, umm… wedding a little weird?"

James turned to look at Robin, "No, not at all. I knew that you had to get a job real soon because Barney called me up freaking out about the possibility of you forcibly having to return to Canada, it just never crossed my mind that you guys would have a shotgun wedding to help regularize your stay here and not invite me."

"Yeah well, Barney sprang it on me when we were already in Atlantic City."

"He did, did he?"

Robin flushed a little, "Yeah but I had proposed to him the night before so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised as I was when he said yes."

"_You_ proposed!? How very post-modern of you!"

Robin ducked her head and laughed, "Yeah, that's me."

James got up and poured them both some more of the cocktail then returned to the couch.

"Is that why you're not wearing a ring?"

Robin brought her hand up to her forehead and rubbed a little, "Actually, I do have a ring, and I am wearing it."

James' brow furrowed, "Girl I've been looking at your hands all day, now unless you are saying it's an invisible ring; I don't see no ring- oh."

Robin had hitched up her sweater, and she gestured at the ring nestled in her belly-button hanging off the platinum chain Barney had given her the morning after their wedding.

"I can't wear it on my finger because Ted, Marshall and Lily don't know about it but I don't want to leave it lying around until after I have it valued and insured next week."

James reached for the ring and looked at it with sentimentality, "It looks good in a platinum setting."

"You've seen it before?"

James let go of the ring and Robin pulled her sweater down, her hand reflexively rubbing over the imprint of the ring.

"Yeah of course, it's our grandmother's ring, it used to be in a white gold setting but Barney must have had it re-set."

"This is your _grandmother_'s ring!?" Robin hissed at James in a panic, her eyes straying over to Barney and Tom who were taunting each other over Sam's curly head.

"Yeah, didn't Barney tell you?"

"No… he obviously didn't."

"Huh… well, after I told my Mom I was gay, she gave Barney her mother's ring so that he could give it to his wife when the time came. Barney must have had it re-set back then because I vaguely remember him saying something about it."

"But why would he give me _this_ ring!?"

James shrugged nonchalantly, "Probably because it was within easy reach?"

"But then wh-"

"Robin you're up! I kicked Barney's ass, so it's you and me Sweetheart!" Tom called out.

Robin looked at James who gently pushed her towards the pool table, "You said you wanted to play the winner, so go on girl."

She stood up and approached the table accepting Barney's pool cue from him while he hefted his nephew up.

He shrugged, "It's up to you to uphold the Team Barney reputation now, Robin! I'd stay and watch but this little munchkin wants to show me the new bird's nest outside."

Sam chortled happily as Barney blew a raspberry on his belly. Robin grinned at the two of them, it was endearing. After Barney, Sam and James left the room she tried to focus her attention on the game. But it was very difficult when Barney's grandmother's ring was branding a hole into her conscience. Tom made a few impressive shots, rousing Robin's competitive spirit.

"Oh Tom, its so on!"

She sank two solids and pumped the air with her fist, "Woo! That's right baby, I'm gonna take you out Canadian style!"

Tom laughed, "Canada versus the South, bring it on."

Putting away her questions about Barney's motivation in giving her a family heirloom for the moment, Robin got down to the business at hand.

----------------------xxxx

"Thank you guys so much for having me over, brunch and dinner and everything in between was lovely." Robin said as she put her coat on in the hallway.

Tom and James waved away her thanks, "No problem, but you're welcome anyway."

Barney opened the door and ran out to get the car in the chilly air.

Robin turned back to the couple and smiled, "Sam is an amazing kid, I can't believe he's almost three though! The last time I saw him was at your wedding and he was just a few months old."

"Yeah they grow up so fast, and yes he is an amazing kid… James and Barney take all the credit for that naturally," Tom said good-naturedly.

"That's cause it's true, that's Stinson awesome-ness right there Tom! Lovable as you are your Southern ass can't compare to our New York legendariness." James piped up.

Robin and Tom shook their heads.

"See what I've been dealing with these last three years? I'm so glad I've got someone on my side now, Robin." Tom said solicitously.

"That's right Tom, and next time you and I are gonna teach these Stinsons something about an ass-whooping!"

They high-fived each other and James grumbled to himself. Barney came back in just then hurriedly giving James and Tom a hug each.

"Car's running, and we're gonna go. I have an early flight tomorrow. I'll call you when we get back to the apartment. Bye!"

"Thanks again guys, Sam's a treasure." Robin said over her shoulder as Barney ushered her out the door.

"Bye Robin! Barney!" the couple chimed in the doorway.

Barney opened Robin's door for her and bundled her in before circling round to the driver's side, waving at his brother and Tom before getting in and driving off.

James and Tom watched the car disappear before turning back to go inside.

"They are perfect for each other," Tom commented.

"Yeah, but are they going to be able to get over all their bullshit and realize it?" James asked sceptically.

"I think so, twenty bucks says those two come out of their couple closet by June." Tom wagered.

"June 2009? I don't think so, my brother may have come around to the idea that he's got a thing for her but I don't think he's ready to seduce her into his line of thinking yet."

"Twenty bucks says he's ready and he can. Besides, she seems pretty ready to see the light herself."

"Okay Tommy boy, you're on… if you're right I cough up the dough, if I'm right and they finally get it together before Christmas but after the 1st of July 2009, you cough up fifty big ones."

"Deal." Tom said shaking James' hand.

James shook his partner's hand suspiciously, Tom seemed pretty confident that he was right.

"Come on, I'll race you to bed!"

Tom grabbed James around the waist and tried to hold him back but was too late, laughing along the way James ran up to their bedroom, thoughts of his little brother's love life temporarily forgotten.


	9. Chapter 9 Complicated

**Chapter 9 – Complicated**

Robin felt warm and content as Barney cruised down the highway. She wasn't drunk; all that food they had eaten at James and Tom's had soaked up the copious amounts of alcohol they had drunk since their arrival. But she was toasty warm on the inside and her blood buzzing. The car was also warm. Barney had turned the heating on and the sleek BMW's discrete heating system was doing its job perfectly. She propped her elbow on the car door and leaned her head in her palm. Stealing a glance at Barney as he fiddled with the stereo, she felt herself smile and her blood buzz just a little more.

"Thank you for bringing me here today, Stinson. It was lovely."

She reached her free hand out and traced the outer shell of his ear, letting her hand stroke down his shoulder then rest casually on his arm. Barney's lips twisted in a small smile.

"No problem."

Norah Jones' dulcet tones crooning, '_Those Sweet Words_' wafted across the speaker. Barney tsked and went to touch the radio but Robin's hand stayed him.

"Let it play, I love this song."

"Really?"

She smiled mysteriously, "Are you surprised that Robin Sparkles has a softer side?"

"No but I'm surprised you're a Norah Jones fan."

"Well I am… but don't tell anyone though; I wouldn't want their heads to explode."

"Your secret's safe with me."

Robin's smile grew wider and she leaned her head back on the headrest, her hands folded in her lap. Barney watched her momentarily but when he caught himself smiling at nothing at all he turned his attention back to the road.

A couple songs later Robin told Barney to pull over, bewildered, he did as she asked, driving them down a little side road. He stopped the car and looked at her expectantly.

Robin undid both their seatbelts then crawled over him, straddling his lap she pulled the lever that would tilt his seat back, kissing him at the same time.

"Scherbatsky!" Barney breathed out, impressed by her slick moves.

She smiled against his lips, reaching down between them and undoing the buttons on his jeans. She grabbed a hold of his already erect penis through the boxers and eased it out while Barney undid her jeans, working them down her hips. Free of impediment, Robin sat on him, clenching her inner muscles tightly in silent warning to Barney not to move.

Cocking her head to the left she reached behind her and turned up the dial as Led Zeppelin's, _'Kashmir'_ started to play. Barney grinned at the song choice and sliding his hands up her back brought her head down towards him so he could kiss her. She obliged, moving slowly, her hips, thighs and inner muscles setting the pace. By the last minute of the song there were drops of sweat dripping off damp strands of Robin's hair and her face was so flushed with pleasure that she let out one last ragged breath before she climaxed. Barney watched her face, gripping her hips tightly as he felt his own climax building. He bit his lip, to stop from crying out at the force of it. The song ended and the DJ started talking, "Well folks I hope you're having a good time! Call me on our hotline and tell me all about it."

They both started laughing at that and when Barney started searching for his phone Robin ran her hand in his hair and tugged on the roots.

"I don't think so!"

"I won't give any names!"

"Barney!"

"Okay fine… spoilsport," he conceded begrudgingly.

Robin's arms were resting on either side of his headrest and she leaned in to kiss him. The kiss deepened, their tongues softly then aggressively duelling. He was still inside her and when she felt him start to harden again she pulled away.

"Do we have time for another round?"

Barney grimaced, lifting her off him, Robin stubbornly clenched her muscles around him, "I'm afraid not, we're lucky we haven't had a knock on the window from a cop already."

Robin pouted, but acquiesced, letting him push her back onto her seat. She dragged her underwear and jeans up and over her hips. Barney took a couple of deep breaths, and then closed his eyes muttering to himself as he tucked himself back into his pants. Rubbing his damp palms on his jeans he gave Robin an accusatory look before starting the ignition and driving them back onto the main road. Robin buckled her seatbelt, a self-satisfied smirk playing on her lips.

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The next week saw them settle into a routine. In the morning, Barney would shower and get dressed while Robin slept. If he had time he would go into her room and wake her up with what he called a "Stinson Surprise". Then he would hurriedly put his clothes on and leave her smiling and sleepy again.

Robin would then spend the day idling away her time until she could head to Maclaren's to meet up with the gang. She made an effort to hold out until at least after four, not wanting to get a reputation as some afternoon-drunk. Barney usually wouldn't appear until six, but Robin was too starved of human contact to wait _that_ long. After a few hours gossiping with their friends (and having eye-sex with each other), the Stinsons would excuse themselves and disappear for a round of laser tag, or scotch and cigars at the club.

The subsequent cab ride home would invariably give them twenty three minutes of foreplay, before they stumbled into Barney's apartment and entertained themselves in one or other of their bedrooms. Both of them had noticed that although the first time around was generally fast and exciting, the second time the mood would inexplicably change and the sex become gentle and tender…Moseby and the Marrieds would probably call it 'making love.' Barney and Robin didn't call it anything…it wasn't the kind of thing you discussed with your best Bro.

It was eight days after Jack Johnson had told Barney and Robin that he was approving their application and given him his conditions. Robin was standing in the jewellery store trying very hard to remember how to close her slack-jawed mouth.

"So, Mrs. Stinson, I would advise you to go for the Rolls Royce of insurance premiums for your ring. Like I said, this is a very rare sapphire. There are only fifty or so of these in existence worldwide. Two hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars is no chump change, especially in these difficult economic times."

Robin shook her head and snapped her jaw shut, the shock to her teeth reverberating through her skull. She winced.

"Thank you, Mr… um… Leibovitz. I'm sorry, I just didn't realise my ring was worth that much. You see it was my husband's grandmother's ring and as you know he had it reset in this platinum setting so… Wow! What do I need to do to get insured, exactly?"

The balding, middle-aged jeweller smiled at her greedily. "If you'll just follow me Mrs. Stinson…"

Robin did as she was bid, silently fuming, Barney was going to get it when she got home, that she was sure of.

----------------------------xxxxx

"What's this?"

"_This_ is the paperwork for the quarter of a million dollar insurance policy I need to take out to insure your grandmother's ring… You know? The one you gave me on our wedding?!" Robin nearly screamed the last words at him.

Barney ignored the forms she'd set down in front of him and turned his attention to her instead, a thoughtful frown on his face.

"What's the problem?"

"Uh, for starters, I don't have a quarter of a million dollars in my bank account."

"Okay, I do, so I'll pay it like I was going to anyway. Now what else is bothering you?"

Robin was pacing up and down their living room. Barney was sitting in one of the La-Z-Boys drinking a Red Bull. They were waiting for their take-out to arrive before they met up with Lily and Marshall at the bar. Ted was out with Shona Ferguson.

"What the Hell Barney!? Why would you give me something so valuable?"

"Are you asking because you're worried you'll lose it or because you want to know how much I value and trust you?"

Robin stopped her pacing, standing in front of the mini-bar and faced him, hands on hips.

"What?"

"You heard me."

Robin opened her mouth but no sound came out. She bounced her left fist against her thigh, futilely.

Barney finished off his Red Bull and got up. Walking over to the mini-bar, he brushed past her and went around, fixing himself a gin and tonic.

"If you're worried about losing it, don't. That's why we're insuring it. As for how much I hold you in esteem… I think you know but if you need me to spell it out for you, I will."

His eyes pierced into hers as she stood there dumbfounded. Barney took a sip of his drink, one hand in his pocket. Robin took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Barney, this is a marriage of convenience… It's fake. We only did it so that I could stay in New York remember? Giving me your grandmother's ring is just…wrong."

Blue eyes flicked over to her left hand and her ring finger. "Then why are you wearing it?"

"'Cause now I'm really scared I'll lose it!"

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"I call bullshit, Scherbatsky."

"On what grounds?" Two red flags appeared on her cheekbones and she could feel herself getting angrier and more confused by the second.

"Hmm, let me see… oh let's start with a recent example: you told Ted that you couldn't live with him because of your history as a couple. When I asked you what you said, you gave me a different version."

"That's because it was the easiest way to get him to let me go!"

"Huh, but still you didn't tell _me_ the truth. And what about when you told Ted you and I slept together after Simon dumped you?"

"What about that?"

"You let him and everyone else think I had taken advantage of you when it was actually the other way round."

"Oh please, Barney, as if you didn't suspect that things might end with you and I getting horizontal that night. You could have said no."

"So could you."

"What are you saying!?"

"I'm saying, Robin, that you can manipulate the facts when you choose and usually when you do you conveniently forget your own aversion to feminine wiles and use them to your best advantage."

"What? This entire argument is crazy!"

"Crazy logical maybe… You, _Mrs. Stinson,_ get a kick out of playing both me and Ted, but to what end?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, _Mr. Stinson,_ and I don't care… This whole thing is getting way too heavy for me so I think-"

"What? That you should move out? No can do, Sparkles. The USCIS will be all over us like a bad rash. You wanted to do this whole marriage thing and now you have it, you don't get to just up and leave 'cause it's not working in your favour at the moment."

Robin threw her arms up in frustration and sat down on the couch, temporarily deflated. Her heart was racing, her palms were sweating and she felt something akin to panic building inside her. What the Hell was he implying?

"Well we need to do something… Obviously all the sex we've been having is screwing things up," she said, using the most practical tone of voice she could manage.

"Oh! You wanna blame it on the sex now, do you?" Barney's right eyebrow went up, everything about his expression derisive.

"Yes! It's the only thing that makes sense… Barney, we need to draw up some ground rules or I may as well just go back to Canada right now."

The doorbell rang and they both started. Robin waved Barney away as she went to answer it. Their food had arrived. Accepting the boxes of pizza from the delivery boy she handed him a twenty dollar bill and shut the door. Turning to Barney she jiggled the boxes in a conciliatory gesture. He shrugged, walking back to the sofa and taking one of the boxes from her. They set them down on the coffee table and opening them started to eat, in silence.

When they were done, Robin got up and took another beer out of the fridge. She viciously twisted the cap off and chugged half of it in one gulp. Letting the alcohol course through her she also picked up the bottle of Tanqueray and brought it back to the coffee table, sitting down heavily. Barney was carefully wiping his fingers on a napkin, pointedly ignoring her.

"Barney-"

Barney's posture suddenly stiffened and when he spoke his voice was quiet and restrained, but obvious fury roiled off him in waves. "You know what, Scherbatsky? If you think that I'm going to take your crap and let you steamroll me like you do Ted and all the other guys, you've got another think coming. You've got feelings for me that you can't deal with, so make me the bad guy and make it all my fault. You really want to go back to Canada then go. I'll even buy you a first class ticket, right now."

Her eyes widened in shock. She was speechless. She'd never seen Barney this livid. The fact that he wasn't yelling made it even worse.

He got up off the couch and stalked to the bathroom, quietly shutting the door behind him. A few seconds later Robin heard the shower running. She stared at the debris made by their takeout and felt herself get mad too. Downing the rest of her beer for Dutch courage she whipped the bathroom door open to find Barney standing under the shower, fully clothed. Not pausing, she opened the shower door and got right in there with him.

"Barney, this water is freezing!"

"So get out." He tried to push her out but she reached behind her and shut the door, digging her heels in.

"Not so fast!" she sputtered, the icy water getting in her eyes and in her mouth.

"Okay, I'm sorry I brought up my going back to Canada… I didn't mean for it to come out like it did. And I'm sorry I lied by omission when I told Ted and about what happened that night we watched the S_andcastles_ video… And you're right - there's something there, I mean here, between us, but it's all very confusing and I don't know if it's real or just a side-effect of these last couple of months. God! It's really, really annoying that you seem to get me better than anyone else but I don't want you to let me 'steamroll' you either! I'm sorry okay, but you don't get to just-"

"What, Scherbatsky!? I don't get to what? Care about you!? Love you!?" Barney _was _yelling now.

Robin blinked, taken by surprise, then without thinking she lunged at him, grabbing the back of his head and slamming her lips against his. Barney kissed her back, trying to hold her as close to him as possible. Robin shoved him backwards against the wall trying to get control of their embrace and he shoved her back against the stall door trying to do the same.

"I said I love you and you go for the Hail Mary pass. Lame to go for the ambiguous answer, Scherbatsky! Give me some kind of response." Barney voice was low and gravely in Robin's ear.

She broke away from him and slapped him across the face as hard as she could. When she raised her hand to slap him again he caught it and tugged her towards him. He sneered at her, bending down to kiss her. She opened her mouth in anticipation, slamming her lips against his. Her nails raked down his side as her free hand automatically moved to his belt buckle. She undid the belt and his pants while he still held her other hand in a bruising grip. She clumsily worked at her jeans too, while simultaneously launching herself at him. He caught her, dragging her heavy sodden jeans down to her knees and penetrating her in one continuous motion. Robin let out a guttural moan in response and they fell backwards onto the stall floor. Wrestling around there briefly, Barney won control, getting to his knees while he pressed Robin against the corner. They bucked and rocked their hips wildly as Robin cried out his name, her nails scratching down his wet back. Her release came quick and Barney dragged her down onto the floor, covering her completely as he slammed into her shaking body until he climaxed, Robin achieved a second orgasm, more powerful than the first. Barney got off her, lying back in the stall and letting the water pound him. Robin curled into him, holding onto him tightly. When their breathing had been restored to normal, Barney got up and turned off the shower. He held a hand out to Robin and she took it, awkwardly getting up to her feet with her jeans and panties pooled around her ankles.

Barney picked her up and carried her out of the bathroom to his room.

------------------------------xxxx

After undressing her, he wrapped Robin up in his thick dark blue spare blanket and started to take his own clothes of. Robin stopped him, then undressed him herself, her eyes briefly meeting his only once. When he was naked, Barney went to the bathroom and slipped on his terry cloth bathrobe. Seeing the mess they'd left behind, he grabbed a mop and started to set the bathroom right again. He silently thanked himself for having the forethought to install a proper shower door. Their latest shower incident would have been a whole lot messier if they'd only had the old curtain. When he was done, he went back to his bedroom. Robin was sitting on the edge of the bed, her teeth chattering slightly. Barney approached her and pulling his covers back gestured for her to get in. Once she had, he took off his bathrobe and climbed in after her. Robin undid the blanket wrapped around her and pressed her chilly limbs up against him. Barney used his bathrobe to towel dry her hair and when he was done he tossed the robe on the floor, among their wet clothes. Robin wrapped herself around him, resting her face in the space between his neck and shoulder.

"So ground rules huh?'

She nodded under his chin.

"We only have sex with each other if we've lucked out on the playing field."

Robin tensed. He had just told her he loved her, but was talking about the playing field like he hadn't said anything at all. Or like she hadn't said anything either. Barney sensed the change in her body language and started to stroke his hands down her back absentmindedly.

"We don't sleep in each other's beds; we never, _ever_ tell anyone about what's been going on between us since you came back from Japan; no cuddling or lingering of any kind after the deed is done; and we always use protection. I don't know about you but I have counted at least five instances where we haven't."

Robin nodded. Her heart was thudding very loudly in her chest and she knew Barney could hear it.

"And about what we both said in the shower- we discount that to temporary insanity caused by over-exposure to Canadian logic and never talk about it again."

Robin screwed her eyes shut tightly and swallowed before nodding in agreement.

"I think you're sufficiently warm now, so you gotta go, girlfriend." Barney started to extricate himself from her.

Robin reflexively held on for dear life, her eyes silently beseeching him not to go. Barney smiled at her apologetically as he pulled her arms away from his back and climbed out of the bed.

"Rules are rules, Scherbatsky. Only way you get to touch the B-Man like that is if we're bumping pelvises."

She sat up in the bed, bringing the covers up to her chest and shrugged.

"Far be it for me to break the rules within seconds of them being drafted."

Barney chuckled dryly. "Please, you were born to break the rules."

He turned to his closet and took some clothes out before leaving the room. Robin heard her bedroom door open then shut. She chewed on a nail, feeling embarrassed about her behaviour today. Had she really admitted to Barney that she had a case of 'feelings' for him? Where had that come from and what on earth had possessed her to just say it like that?

When Barney came out he was suited up and as casual and flippant as usual.

"Well, I'm gonna head on out."

"Are you going to the bar?"

"Nope, I think I'll cast a wider net tonight… Don't wait up!" he called over his shoulder.

Robin heard the front door shut and stared down at the covers disconsolately. She got out of the bed, securing the blue blanket firmly around her chest. She picked up their wet clothes that had formed soggy puddles on the floor and after wringing them out in the sink, set about straightening Barney's bedroom. That done she went to her own room and picked out something to wear. Lily and Marshall would be calling any moment now to find out where she and Barney were. The thought of Barney, even though it was only hovering on the periphery of her brain, made her cringe as she remembered her reaction to his declaration. The slap she had given him rang out in the empty apartment, gently accusing of her of hypocrisy. No - not hypocrisy. Pettiness. Yes, pettiness that was it 'cause hypocrisy meant something that she was not even going to think about thinking about. Putting on the cashmere sweater she had bought for her date with Jake last week and never worn, Robin studied her reflection in the mirror. What the Hell had she done?

------------------xxxxxx

That night, Barney brought home a woman. Robin knew this because she had gotten into bed and left her door ajar so she could hear him when he came back. Getting up, she shut the door quietly and got back into bed, angrily brushing away the tears that seeped out of her tightly squeezed lids.

Meanwhile Barney had the redhead nightclub cage dancer on his bed ready to do whatever he wanted, but all he could feel was Robin's presence in the other room.

"Okay, Minnie, you're going to have to go."

Barney didn't wait for her to argue, picking up her shoes and purse and handing them to her as he hauled her out of his room. Within seconds he'd tossed her coat and scarf at her, shoving her out the front door and slamming it shut. He took a deep steadying breath and shook his head at himself. He really was a fool. Taking the bottle of Tanqueray that sat on the coffee table forgotten from earlier, Barney went to bed, holding the bottle close like he wanted to hold a certain independent Canadian woman sleeping in the spare bedroom.

---------------------------xxxx

Robin had barely slept a wink. After tossing and turning and reliving the scenes of the previous evening, she'd gotten up around six and gone to the bathroom. On her way back to bed she had heard the front door open then shut. Probably Barney's floosie embarking on her walk of shame, she thought nastily. At nine, she finally gave up the game and got out of bed. After brushing her teeth and washing her face she squared her shoulders and headed for the kitchen. Barney was standing by the counter drinking a cup of coffee as he read the paper. He was wearing dark blue jeans, a white polo shirt and golf shoes.

"Morning, Sparkles. Coffee's hot if you want some," he greeted, calmly.

Robin smiled wanly and taking a mug from the cupboard she poured herself some coffee and sat down on one of their new bar stools. Barney gave her the Sports section which he'd kept on the side because she always liked to read that first.

"Thanks," she said softly.

Barney shrugged and moved around the counter to go sit on the sofa, switching on the wall TV and turning the volume down. This was his third cup of coffee and he was starting to recover from his hangover.

"So what are your plans for today?" Robin asked tentatively. She hated how she was coming across, but she couldn't help it.

"I'm just about to go and meet Marshall and Ted for a couple of rounds of golf. We'll do lunch at the Club then I don't know. What about you?"

"I'm going to visit my dogs, upstate."

"Oh yeah, that should be fun. You haven't seen them in a while right?"

Robin shook her head, feeling a lump rise in her throat. Barney was being normal - too normal. The wall she hadn't realized had come down was back up in place and he was only showing her what he wanted her to see.

Barney's phone rang. "B for Barney… Hey Marshall! Yeah, I'm leaving now. I'll meet you guys at Ted's apartment in thirty minutes… of course I'm bringing the beer, who'd wanna play sober?! Okay Bro, see you in a bit. Bye."

Barney drained his cup and set it on the coffee table. Picking up his keys, he hefted a cooler bag Robin hadn't noticed earlier and with a quick smile and a wave at her, he left the apartment.

Robin fought the urge to throw her mug at the door. Reasoning that she would have to clean up the mess anyway, she bit her lip and stood up. She was going to pay a visit to the shooting range before she went upstate. Now _that_ was a plan.

--------------------------xxx

Robin let herself into the apartment and braced herself for a potential confrontation with Barney. There was no reason to think that there would be one, but she was so on edge she thought it best to be prepared.

"Hey! How'd it go yesterday?" Barney asked her as he finished loading the dishwasher.

Robin looked around the apartment and noticed it was spotless. Yesterday when she left she hadn't even bothered to clear away their newspapers and coffee mugs, or empty the coffee press.

"Good… actually great. They were all so happy to see me."

"What about your aunt?"

Robin bit back a giggle. "I was talking about her too."

"Oh okay. Well I'm about to go for the usual Sunday brunch at James' so-"

"Oh great, just give me a minute to change my clothes and we can leave!" Robin said, rushing towards her bedroom.

Barney watched her confused; she wanted to come with him to Connecticut again? After their polite avoidance of each other these last two days he had just assumed she wouldn't be interested. He jiggled his right hand on the counter top, at a loss. He was not relishing the idea of sharing a polite silence with her all the way there. He needed his space. And hanging out in Connecticut was supposed to give him a chance to have some downtime. Half the reason he was leaving for his brother's house so early was so he could get away from Robin! Yet he felt he couldn't tell her not to come when she had looked so excited at the prospect.

"I actually forgot to ask you something Barney… I got this for Sam do you think he'll like it?" Robin pulled a little hockey stick, puck and miniature Vancouver Canucks jersey out of a Spongebob Squarepants shopping bag as she walked into the living room.

Barney flinched slightly; she was wearing the royal purple wool Donna Karan dress he had bought for her last week when they had been trying to sell their coupledom to Jack Johnson by stocking his closet with her clothes. She looked stunning in it. Robin stopped in front of him expectantly.

"Oh my God, Robin, you didn't have to do that," Barney croaked over the frog in his throat.

"I know but I wanted to. I saw them and thought of Sam and before I knew it I was buying them from the Canadian guy in Central Park."

"I'm sure he'll love them. You'll have to teach him how to play though," Barney said taking the items from her.

Robin's smile was incandescent. "Great! I'm ready to go then. Here take the bag while I put some boots on. This dress is too short to be worn without boots for a family get-together."

Barney watched her dash back into her room with a bemused twist of his lips. Just when he thought he had her measure she did something like this. She came back and took the bag from him smiling brightly. He reciprocated, watching her hips sway under the figure-hugging dress as she led the way out of the apartment. Shaking his head, he got both their coats before stepping after her. Today was going to be an eventful day. He could feel it.

-------------------------xxxx

"So what's up? How was your weekend? You were very elusive. I wanted to see if you wanted to go watch a movie yesterday, but your phone was unavailable." Lily was speaking fast, as they sat down at their usual table at Costa Coffee.

Robin set down her cappuccino and picked up a packet of sugar, tapping the bottom on the table before ripping it open.

"My reception was pretty bad because I was out of town. The weekend itself was busy… and confusing."

"Why's that?" Lily frowned. After that opening statement she now noticed that Robin seemed edgy about something.

Robin poured sugar into her cup and stirred it vigorously, destroying the perfect circle formed by the powdered chocolate on top of the froth. Setting the spoon down she cradled the cup in her hands and looked directly at Lily.

"Well… you know how I said I moved in with Barney so that I could get away from all the residual issues connected to Ted?"

"Yes…"

"Well, it's weird but I think that maybe I might just be getting a little… um… emotional about Barney now." Robin just about spat out the last few words.

Lily's eyes widened and she gasped. "Robin, are you saying you're having _feelings_ for Barney!?"

Robin's eyes narrowed and she moved her head back and forth, "Not feelings per se… but sometimes I catch myself seeing him more like a real person and not this larger than life, slightly cartoonish ladies man."

Lily's eyebrows went up.

"I mean… how do I say this? Okay, Barney and I had a fight on Friday night. It's the only real fight we've ever had and it had me feeling pretty rotten afterwards. Saturday morning, he's acting like nothing ever happened; he's being upbeat normal Barney… But I don't know if it's because I've been living with him or what, but there's a different guy underneath all those 'awesomes' and before our fight, he let me see that guy. And now…"

"He's put up a wall again," Lily surmised.

Robin set her cappuccino on the table and clasped her hands together. "Yeah, pretty much."

"And you feel shut out."

"You are correct, Aldrin."

"So why don't you just tell him how you feel, Robin?"

"'Cause I don't have anything to complain about really except the difference in vibe… I mean if the guy feels like he has to shut me out then who am I to tell him he can't?" Her face was tortured.

Lily reached out a hand and squeezed Robin's arm in sympathy, "What was the fight about?"

Robin reddened, "It's not important… roommate stuff."

"Uh oh! Not like you and Ted is it?"

"No, of course not. Tell me how to fix this, Lily!" Robin wailed.

"Okay, Robin, calm down. It'll be okay. Maybe he just needs a couple days. Don't forget that this is Barney. He's probably still adjusting to living with someone and he's got all that work stuff on his plate too."

Robin nodded, taking everything Lily was saying in. Detachedly she noticed how she felt no qualms about not telling Lily everything. That must say something about her mental state mustn't it?

"Just give him some space. If it's still awkward in a couple of days, bring it up tactfully - take the initiative. You speak his language. Do it in such a way as to get him to listen to you. With Marshall I make him pancakes and bacon then have sex with him… With Barney he'll probably throw away the food you cook him, but he'll definitely have sex with you." Lily smiled at that last bit, proud of her joke.

Robin frowned. "I'm not having sex with Barney, Lily."

"So then buy him some cigars, take him out to play laser tag and bring it up over a bowl of onion rings, whatever."

Robin's face lit up, "Lily you're a genius… laser tag and onion rings!"

Lily glowed from the praise and took a sip of her coffee. She felt pretty good about herself because it was evident to her, if not to Robin, that there was more to it than just trying to patch things up. Robin was starting to develop feelings for Barney. She gave herself a mental pat on the shoulder. Her front porch scenario would come to be one way or another; she would not have it any other way.

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	10. Chapter 10 The other side

**A/N:** OMG you guys I haven't seen the new season of** HIMYM** yet but I have spoiled myself and must say I'm quite unamused with many elements of B/R relationship. I guess that's why there's fanfic. Somebody please write an elaborate fic picking up where the writers dropped the ball. Describing the OTP!

Okay first off, apologies for taking so long but my beta was preoccupied and her input is way to valuable to publish chapter in a hot of the press style. Especially since she had some very insightful criticisms of how I had written this particular chapter. Even **Chapter 9** I have submitted her superior editions in it.

Second of all, thank you to all the people reading and reviewing as well as those adding me to their alerts, etc. It is greatly flattering and I am so very grateful for all feedback and interactions regarding this story.

SPOILER WARNING: There are some spoilers for _**Weeds**_ **Season 4** as our couple have a conversation about it.

**Chapter 10 – Purple Rain**

Robin sat on the subway and watched a young fashionable couple with matching bright green and purple beanie hats flirting and teasing each other. The pair was so oblivious to their surroundings, completely wrapped up in themselves. Her instinct was to snort contemptuously and turn away but for some reason she kept on watching them.

She realized that she envied them their closeness and their total willingness to leave themselves open to the other person. Like Marshall and Lily. She wondered if she would ever have someone she could let herself love and never fear that they would break her heart or dump her. Then she heard Barney telling her he loved her in their bathroom shower stall and felt an involuntary shiver snake its way down her spine.

She had been so careful to mentally walk around that landmine, forcefully slamming the door on any flights of fancy that would make her think about Barney's declaration or her own admission right after it.

The young couple leaned in for a long kiss, when they pulled away they gazed into each other's eyes grinning goofily. Oh God, who they were kidding? Within a year their so-called love would be so over! Just like Barney's impression that he was in love with her would be too… right?

She frowned, it was not possible that Barney Stinson Man Whore Extraordinaire was really and truly in love with her was it? I mean, yes she understood that they had been spending a lot of time together since his accident last summer when she had visited him every day. They had watched hours of great and not-so great TV together, she had fed him his meals when he was incapacitated, played board games and just generally kept him company because a part of her felt guilty that he was in that situation. I mean if everyone was going to be honest it was because of her selfish actions that night they first slept together that he'd been hit by the bus. And if _Robin_ was going to be honest with herself, it was also because she had just wanted to spend time with him, drawn to the pale figure with a brave face and a shaky smile that reminded her so much of herself at times.

Okay so there was last summer when Barney had been physically vulnerable, and then when she got back from Japan when he had been ready, willing and oh so very able to chase away her unemployment blues with a good screw. Crude but true, that's what it had been…, at first, but then that day in Robin's room something had changed and it had remained changed. It was as if they had been having sex in 2-D at first then it had evolved to 3-D, then surround-sound, THX, High Def, the hills are alive kind of thing. And they had gotten married.

Robin paused to analyze her thoughts objectively; weirded out as she may be about the fact that she was legally somebody's wife and not just somebody but Barney's, their wedding had not only been awesome but legen-fucking-dary. Nobody and nothing could change that. Okay, so she refused to look back on that day in the AC as anything but good, clean Bro fun with a twist. She shrugged, okay…

So what was the problem? Other than how it would mess up the group dynamic beyond repair and alienate Ted from her forever more? Hmm… how about the fact that she was not in love with Barney Stinson? Granted she had feelings for him but were those feelings of guilt from last year, gratitude for him saving her from banishment to the Great White North… she did not just think that did she? And misplaced appreciation for the stellar performance he executed every single time in the sack? It also didn't help that Barney had been letting Robin see more of him than he normally allowed which had her all intrigued and drawn to him. This was exactly her problem, she was so confused!

Robin's stop arrived and she got up, the lovey dovey couple got up too, holding hands they stepped off the train and walked in front of Robin towards the turnstiles. She saw them pull out teenager subway passes and sighed in relief. They were teenagers! That explained everything. Well in that case she gave them until summer vacation. He would meet someone else on the beach in Florida or California and she would hook up with an older guy in the City while she worked at the Gap or Starbucks. She mentally chastised herself for being taken in by a teenage couple.

Walking out into the bright albeit chilly Manhattan air she dug her hands into her pockets and smiled at herself in self-deprecation. Silly Robin.

------------------xxx

Five days after her talk with Lily, Robin came home from a lunch date with some old friends to find Barney watching TV in his bedroom. He was in bed, wearing sweats, drinking beer and munching on popcorn.

"Hey! When did you get back? And you're wearing sweats!"

Barney smiled at her in greeting and waved her in, "This is good stuff, I Tivod _'Weeds'_ Season 4 last year and I am only just getting round to watching it."

Robin approached the bed then turned to look at the screen, Nancy Botwin had a gun pulled on Celia in a garage, then she pistol-whipped Celia in the face with it.

"OH! That's gotta hurt!" Barney whooped.

Robin smiled and taking her coat off, crawled onto the bed, sitting close to Barney with her back against the headboard.

"Oh this is good, I missed this episode and the ones after it too," Robin said as she fidgeted a little to get comfortable.

Barney was chuckling at what was going on the screen but he reached down and handed Robin a beer, twisting the cap off for her then handing it over. Robin accepted the beverage she clinked her bottle with his before taking a sip. Within minutes they were sharing the popcorn and yelling out in amusement at the antics on screen.

--------------xxx

"So what'd you think?" Barney asked her when their _'Weeds'_ marathon had ended.

"Hmm… it was good, actually it had some really great shit in there but nothing can top seasons 2 and 3 for me."

Barney mulled this for a second then nodded, "I agree, but you gotta admit Andy being in love with Nancy was a total what the 'f' moment, I did not see that coming."

"I did."

"No you didn't."

"Of course I did… woman's intuition."

Robin mentally winced as she remembered what Barney had said to her just last week. But this was different, Nancy and Andy were fictional characters and if she was going to be honest with herself maybe she had had an inkling about his feelings for her for a while. Where the Hell had that admission come from!?

"Oh really?" Barney's scepticism was ill-concealed.

He couldn't help but think she had seemed to be quite clueless about his feelings for her until he had just come out and said it last week.

Robin turned to him and whacked him on the arm, "Yes, really!"

"Huh, you decided what you wanna order?"

"I'm feeling Vietnamese food, there's a great place a couple blocks east of here," Robin suggested.

Barney made a face, "Do they deliver because I don't feel like leaving the apartment. I've got terrible jet-lag, I mean look at me I'm wearing sweats."

"Oh my God, yeah, how was your trip?"

Barney shrugged in a non-committal answer. Robin took that to mean she should not probe anymore so she dropped the subject.

"The Vietnamese place does do deliveries in a five mile radius only so we're covered."

"Well great so call them!" Barney handed Robin his i-Phone, then climbed off the bed.

"Wait what do you want?"

"Anything that's not too spicy and no fish or pork," Barney said over his shoulder as he padded over to the bathroom.

Robin's call went through and she placed their order. When Barney came back he walked up to his dresser and picked up a bag that was sitting there. Turning over to Robin who had hung up the phone he shook the bag at her.

"I brought you something from the Duty Free."

Her face lit up, "Oh what is it?"

Barney handed her the bag and sat back down on the bed, picking up the remote he started to search through his Tivo programs, while Robin dumped the contents of the bag on the bed.

"Vanilla flavoured cigarillos! Awesome! Ooh and Johnny Walker miniature collection set! Dior Addict eau de parfum gift set, wow Barney this is amazing… thank you!"

Barney inclined his head in acknowledgment. Robin was opening the cigarillos, she took one out and sniffed it appreciatively. Taking another one out she handed it to Barney and cast around looking for a lighter. Barney reached over to his bedside table and opening the top drawer, took out a red sombrero ashtray and silver Zippo. He leaned over and lit her cigarillo for her before lighting his. Robin took her first puff and exhaled happily.

"Ahh… this is the good stuff."

Barney chuckled, puffing on his own and blowing rings out.

"So what'd you do all week?"

"Oh not much met up with Lily for coffee on Monday, went to the bar, watched the news, talked to my Mom, went out for lunch with your brother-in-law, Tom yesterday, had lunch with friends today, that's where I was coming from actually."

Barney got up and opened his French windows in order to let the cigarillo smoke out. He came back to the bed and sat down again.

"It's a good thing you go to work soon; you're becoming a Lady Who Lunches! And lunch with Tom huh? You guys didn't happen to meet so you could discuss how to be beat the two awesomest guys in the world at pool did you?"

"Sunday was a fluke and it doesn't count because Ralph accidentally whacked me in the ankle with that blasted hockey stick I gave him! If that hadn't happened I would never have sank the black ball."

"Uh huh… so what about the other two games James and I beat you guys at?"

"Lucky break… in our re-match you guys are gonna crash and burn!" Robin threatened.

Barney just shook his head good-naturedly, "If you two conservative gun-nuts wanna tell yourselves that go ahead."

Robin elbowed him sharply in the ribs and he laughed. She looked down at the gifts laid out in front of her and picked up the perfume set.

"Hey, how'd you know that this was my perfume when we were in the AC?"

"Come on Scherbatsky, I'm Barney, awesome incarnated, you think I wouldn't know something so simple as what perfume you wear?" he scoffed.

Robin shook her head, "Well I guess I have a few more awesome skills I need to hone then."

"True story Canada, we're working on the nationality thing but we've gotta give you some lessons in some of the fundamentals you missed out on in that Northern jungle."

Robin blew smoke in his face and he burst out laughing. She appraised him coolly even though her lips were twitching in mirth.

The doorbell rang and Barney jumped up picking up his wallet, "I'll get this."

Robin watched him go and took one last puff of her cigar before putting it out. She hadn't realized just how much she had missed him until she had seen him again. Trailing into the living room she was just in time to see Barney shut the door on the delivery guy.

Barney walked over to the counter and spread their take out there so they could sit on the bar stools and eat.

------------xxx

"You've got all of _'The Wire'_ on your Tivo?" Robin asked as she cleared their takeout cartons.

"No just the last two seasons, I love that show so much I can't bring myself to delete them."

"Even though you have the complete DVD box set?"

"Yes, Ms. Reporter even though I've got the DVD box set."

Robin started laughing, "Do you remember when I used to visit you at the hospital and we'd watch it in your room?"

"Yeah and that male nurse who had a thing for you would always barge into my room when someone was fucking or getting got!"

"Seriously though, we literally watched every HBO show ever last summer."

Barney held his hand up, "Except for _'Carnivale'_ and that was because a certain someone is scared of the circus."

"It's full of freaks, doing weird freaky shit and not the good kind of weird but the fucked up kind that gives you nightmares for days. Then there are the clowns with their scarlet red permagrins, ugh. I can't believe I found the circus cool when I was a kid!" Robin objected.

They were facing each other across the counter, faces flushed and eyes twinkling merrily.

"You are so Canadian."

"I'm not offended."

"Then I'm saying it wrong."

Robin threw a napkin at him; he ducked it easily and made a face at her. She chased him around the counter and whacked him on the head with a roll of paper towels she had been holding. Barney brought his hands up to defend himself, laughing at her as he made a beeline for his room. Robin did not let up; following him she shoved him onto the bed and straddled him, still whacking him with the roll. Barney brought his hands up to catch her arms, Robin struggled to free herself.

"Why don't we take our pants off and you can do that some more Scherbatsky?"

She stopped what she was doing and looked down at him; he released her arms and brought his hands to rest on her waist. They searched each other's eyes and satisfied with what they saw they lunged for each other at the same time.

---------xx

"We should have done that as soon as you got home," Barney whispered huskily.

They were lying in his bed together, both staring up at the ceiling. Robin shivered and Barney turned to look at her.

"Sorry, I should have closed those windows earlier, let me go turn the heat up."

Robin shook her head, inching closer until she had wrapped herself around him.

"This way will be faster."

Barney's hands reflexively held her closer, skimming vague circles on her back.

"Okay but if you wake up Barnacle Jr. you'll have to put him down again."

"I really hope I do." Robin smirked.

-------------xxx

They had sex a couple more times and then they fell asleep. Neither one of them had meant to fall asleep but it had just happened.

Robin looked around the dark room and wondered what had woken her. Then Barney mumbled something in his sleep again, twitching sporadically. Somehow she had ended up on the far side of the bed so she scooted closer to him. He was having a bad dream that much she could tell from the beads of sweat on his forehead and the erratic fluttering of his eyelids. His entire body was tightly poised as if he was fending off some attack or getting ready to spring. She called his name softly a couple of times but that only seemed to be agitating him further.

She decided to shake him and see if that would wake him. Laying a firm hand on his shoulder she tensed her grip because his skin was damp with sweat and his right hand shot out and grabbed her neck, cutting off her oxygen supply surprisingly fast. He shoved her against the headboard and rolled on top of her, still throttling her. She slapped him across the face and he flinched, not relinquishing his hold completely but loosening it slightly.

"Ba- ba- aarney it's Robin!" she choked out, frantically making use of the slight relax in grip, her fingers clawing at the hand on her throat. She curled her left hand into a fist and was poised to punch him as hard as she could.

His eyes opened and after registering who she was he let her go instantaneously. She gasped and wheezed trying to breathe in as much precious air as she could. Barney turned on the bedside lamp and vaulting off the bed he ran over to his mini-fridge, taking out a bottle of mineral water he wrenched the cap off and approached Robin. He held the bottle out to her and when she had stopped wheezing and coughing violently she took the water, gulping it down. Barney took the bottle away from her.

"Slowly and only small sips Scherbatsky."

She nodded in understanding and took the water from him, drinking it like he said.

"I'm sooo sorry…Are you okay? I didn't know where I was, I thought I was still... on my trip. Here let me take a look at your neck." Barney tilted her head back and assessed the finger shaped bruises already blooming like reddish purple ink stains on chromatography paper.

He got up and went in to the bathroom, Robin heard the faucet running. She gingerly explored her neck wondering what the Hell kind of trip Barney had been on to make him react like _that_ in his _sleep_. He came back and gently pressed a cold wash-cloth to her neck. She covered his hand with hers and wouldn't let him slide his hand away.

"Thanks," she croaked.

Barney's face contorted in pain. Robin raised her other hand and stroked his arm in a soothing up and down motion; her eyes softening in sympathy.

"It's not as bad as it sounds or looks, honest. Are _you_ okay?" she rasped.

"No! No I'm not, Robin I hurt you."

She shrugged, "That's what I get for breaking the rules and staying in your bed when I was supposed to be long gone."

She cracked a smile to show him she was joking but he didn't respond in kind. She surrendered his hand and he dropped it immediately. The wash-cloth started to fall but she caught it, continuing to press it on her swelling flesh.

"Oh come on Stinson, I'm _Canadian_, when we play hockey we get at least one hockey stick and two elbows to the neck, a black eye and broken bone per game. I'll be fine by morning," she explained in her most patient voice.

Barney's eyes were very troubled as he watched her. His attitude combined with the raw ache in her throat irked her, it wasn't a big deal, well it kind of was, but she wasn't upset with him so why was he looking at her like a sick puppy.

"Stop being such a woman about this, I'm not made of glass, fuck you very much," she snapped, throwing the covers back so she could get out of the bed.

That did make Barney chuckle and he grabbed her; dragging her onto his lap and holding her close.

"Alright, jeez! I get it you're a tough cookie! Now let me take a look at the bruising before I go and tuck you into your own bed."

Robin pulled the towel away and Barney noticed that the swelling was not so bad, he told her so and she rolled her eyes in exasperation. Chuckling he picked her up and carried her to her bed. They were both naked.

After he forced Robin to wear her pyjamas, Barney tucked her in, placing another cold compress to her neck.

"Okay, I'm gonna make sure you're asleep before I get back to bed so, you're tired and I'm tired… I think its time I told you one of my legendary bedtime stories."

Robin perked up at this, burrowing in her covers, she watched him as he sat on the bed, back to the headboard, on top of her blankets. He covered his nudity with her soft purple and pink blanket. The feminine article looked incongruous in contrast to his golden-tanned muscles. In fact it served to emphasize his masculinity and reminded Robin of the strength she had not known he possessed until he'd wrapped a hand around her neck. She must be crazy but she found him on the bed with her girly blanket on his lap a turn on, she wanted to protest his refusal to get under the covers with her but she could tell he would not agree to getting in there with her after what had just happened. Damn men and their misplaced chivalry.

"I'm ready," she prompted.

Barney looked down at her indulgently and stroked her hair back absentmindedly.

"Ah…now which story should I tell?"

"The longest, dirtiest most exciting one," Robin rasped.

"Unh-uh, don't be greedy pick one; longest or dirtiest, all of them are exciting so that's not a separate category."

Robin smiled, "Longest."

Barney frowned thoughtfully, "Really? You surprise me Scherbatsky I so thought you'd go for dirtiest."

"Tell the story Barney."

"Okay, okay but public disclaimer, any sexual urges you may develop during the telling of this story are purely natural and should you feel a certain wet warmth in your nether regions like many of the fictional characters in my story this is a welcome reaction but purely coincidental, we do however, encourage you to feel free to show and tell."

Robin smacked his thigh smartly, "You're unbelievable."

"Funny you should say that 'cause that's the very first line the heroine says to the hero!"

Robin rolled her eyes.

"Now this story has three protagonists, Roberta, Leila and Bartacus, Barry for short. We begin with Roberta and Leila who were playing 'Doctors without Borders' in Bartacus' field-"

"Oh brother," Robin groaned.

-------------------xxxx

Barney paced up and down his room, hands tightly clenched into fists as he thought about what had happened last night. He had barely slept a wink, the space where Robin had been lying under him as he throttled her, accusingly empty. Finally at the crack of dawn he'd thrown the covers off, put on some pyjamas and started pacing. How could he have let himself relax so much as to fall asleep with Robin in his bed after all he'd been through this week? His trip to South America had been one of those the people he worked for liked to classify as 'high risk'. One of those where everyone slept with one eye open for only a few hours a night because an assassin could slip into your room in the middle of the night and kill you. Or an innocent looking waitress could slip a roofie in your drink and you could wake up bound and gagged in some unknown remote location, missing a vital organ or two. A chill whispered down his spine as he remembered all the gruesome stories that circulated at work about employees that came back home in a body bag if they were lucky.

So what to do now? The fact remained he had reacted out of instinct because his head was still in South America and he had nearly throttled Robin to death. This had never been a problem for him before because when he came back from a trip like this he spent the next couple of days alone in his own bed, letting his body and brain re-acclimatise itself to being back home and out of harm's way. Then he turned up at Ted's or Maclaren's awesome as per usual without a care for the world to see.

Barney sat down on the foot of his bed and held his head in his hands. How had he not realized that letting Robin live with him would result in something like this happening? How had he not seen this coming? She was puncturing holes through all his defensive armor and truth be told a part of him liked it, wanted her close, wanted her to see the real Barney, so much so that he played with fire and allowed himself to fall asleep with her in his arms.

He tugged at the roots of his hair in frustration. How was he going to explain last night to her? How could he make it up to her? And most importantly how could he prevent this from happening again?

He got up from the bed and went to check on her, she was still sleeping as far as he could tell from the hump of blankets. Closing her door quietly he decided to go and make her breakfast, that was a good place to start.

--------------xxx

Robin's throat was throbbing painfully, the way the pain was ebbing and flowing reminded her of those scenes in Sci-Fi movies where the lights would dim and brighten with a weird polyphonic sound playing in time with the motion of the lights in the background. She closed her eyes and swallowed carefully, flinching internally in anticipation of the bruised tenderness. Okay, so she had overreacted a little, it didn't hurt to swallow as much as she had thought it would.

She cracked open one eyelid and gingerly sat up in bed wondering what had woken her from her deep sleep. The scent of frying bacon wafted in the air, teasing her senses and causing her stomach to grumble. She brought one hand up to tentatively feel her neck, recoiling when she pressed on a particularly sore spot. God she could kill Barney for this! Throwing back the covers she stomped out of her room and slammed the bathroom door, her throat hurt and she needed to pee.

After brushing her teeth and washing her face, holding back a grimace when she caught a reflection of her neck and face in the mirror, Robin opened the door to find Barney hovering there.

"Morning Scherbatsky!" Barney greeted her with a false cheer in his voice.

Robin instinctively brought a hand up to cover her neck then winced, letting her hand fall again.

"Morning," she managed painfully.

She made a face when she heard how much she sounded like a metal spoon going down the garburetor. Barney flinched, the sound of her voice and the purplish-indigo tye-dye on her neck serving as physical whip lashes to his conscience.

Robin pushed past him and walked back to her room, propping up her pillows before she clambered back into bed. Barney followed a few seconds later bearing a silver tray laden with food and a small round crystal vase filled with pink and white water roses. Robin cracked a smile and smoothed the covers on her lap expectantly. Barney set the tray down and picking up the vase set it on her bedside table. The plate on the tray had fluffy scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, golden brown pancakes and sausages. There was also a small pot of maple syrup, salt and pepper shakers, a steaming fragrant cup of herbal tea, a glass of water and two Tylenol extra-strengths.

"Those are beautiful and this looks delicious," Robin rasped.

Barney inclined his head and made to leave but Robin reached out for his arm, "Stay, please."

He obliged, sitting down carefully near the middle of the bed. Robin picked up the glass of water he'd brought her and drank half of it down eagerly. She was very thirsty and the cold temperature was soothing. Setting it down, she picked both Tylenols up and popping them in her mouth swallowed them with the help of the rest of the water. She grinned proudly at Barney but he didn't smile back.

With a shrug Robin unwrapped the napkin enveloping her cutlery and forked a mountain of the soft and golden scrambled eggs and took a healthy bite. They were absolutely perfect!

Barney's eyes watched her intently, noting her reaction to the taste of the food then straying to her neck and then back to her face. She was done chewing and now swallowed tentatively.

Barney wanted to bolt, he felt like that each second he sat there his insides were being sucked in by a meat mincer, the guilt was killing him. Perversely he made himself stay.

-------------xxx

"Is this chamomile?" Robin asked as she drank her now tepid tea.

"No its aloe vera and ginseng it helps with bruising."

"Thanks Barney, and seriously stop beating yourself up about this, you were obviously having a bad dream and I am kinda glad that it was me there and not some bimbo. She would totally have sued your ass." Robin teased.

"Robin-"

"I told you man, I'm Canadian, we play hockey and it's not considered a good game unless we've fucked each other up totally," she reassured him.

"But this wasn't a game, it was real life and I could have killed you."

Robin smirked, "Wow, give yourself credit much? I would totally have knocked your lights out; in fact I was going to if you hadn't woken up when you did."

"Robin-"

"Barney, its okay, it's not a big deal and unless you wanna tell me what the Hell you were dreaming about, let's just drop it."

Barney frowned at her, trying to determine if she really meant what she was saying or not. Robin met his searching eyes levelly, not looking away or blinking until he looked away.

"Thank you for breakfast; it was delicious, way to keep your culinary skills a secret all this time Stinson."

Barney smiled weakly, "Yeah well, a magician always has an ace or two up his sleeve."

"Hmm… speaking of secrets, you Sir are much stronger than you let on."

"No I'm not; I just took you by surprise."

"Yes you did but no I stand by my first statement, you're just strong, flex this bicep for me?" Robin teased, prodding his right arm.

Barney shook his head in refusal and Robin continued to prod him, "Come on… you know you want to, just flex it a little, come on Stinson don't play coy with me… there we go!"

Her eyes twinkled as Barney relented and flexed his bicep for her briefly. He shook his head in mild amusement, she was something else.

"Okay now that we've established its okay for you to smile, I assume you'll be waiting on me hand and foot until these bruises fade or Monday morning, whatever comes first. So next up, I would love to take a nice long bath." Robin looked at Barney expectantly a slightly devious expression on her face.

Barney chuckled; acceding to her politely veiled demand he picked up the tray and with a small bow retreated to the kitchen. Having deposited the tray he went back to the bathroom and poured some water into the corner tub, rinsing it before he plugged it up and ran the actual bathwater. He liberally sprinkled bath salts and foam. Robin stretched out in her bed and grinned up at the ceiling, oh she was going to get a kick out of this, see what outrageous things she could get Barney to do for her.

-------------xxxx

Robin undid her pale pink and red flowers print silk robe and stepped into the steaming fragrant tub of water. As soon as she was settled she clapped her hands as a signal for Barney to come in. He pushed the bathroom door open and padded over to her perching on the edge so he was facing her. He was holding a loofah, a bar of creamy brown soap and a bottle of shampoo in foreign packaging. His face was an interesting combination of seriousness and mischief, his lips a grim straight line while his eyes danced. Robin's expression mirrored his but neither one noticed too caught up already in the spell surreptitiously weaving itself between them with every waft of sandalwood scented steam.

"Would you like me to wash your hair first? Don't answer; you'll strain your voice and throat, just blink once for yes and twice for no."

Robin blinked once, slowly letting her lids fall then after half a beat letting them rise again. Barney sucked in a long suffering breath; the action had been unaffected but incredibly sexy. Not only was it inappropriate for him to be having lustful thoughts at this moment but it was wrong since he'd hurt her last night and he was supposed to be making amends, not pouncing on her like a leopard with a baby gazelle.

"Were you blinking to show me you understood the blinking thing or because you want me to wash your hair first?"

"Both."

"Robin, you're not supposed to speak! It'll strain your throat… and it's seriously much better when you don't since you sound like a really big and scary Canadian moose-man thing."

She flicked bathwater at him.

"Hey! Okay, I deserved that, but what I said is true, so come on, work with me here."

Robin rolled her eyes and then she pointed two fingers at his eyes then hers so she could gesticulate at her legs which she briefly raised out of the water.

"You want me to start with your legs now?"

Robin leaned back in the tub, the bath foam covering her modesty and closed her eyes then opened them quickly, cocking a challenging eyebrow at him. Barney grinned, picking up the brand new loofah he'd unwrapped for this occasion, he started to soap it, leaning over the rim and picking up her left leg he lathered it starting from her big toe. His touch was both vigorous and gentle but when the loofah skimmed the underside of her foot she jerked it, a wild look in her eyes.

"Robin Charles Scherbatsky Sparkles Stinson, are you ticklish?" Barney asked wickedly, his smile growing wider when she jerked away from him when he repeated the motion.

He repeated the motion a couple more times and she burst out laughing, the sound harsh and painful sounding. He immediately stopped, the guilt robbing the moment of its previous levity. Robin worked her leg down so that Barney was now at her lower calves then she flexed that foot in silent prompt. Barney took the hint and started to work on her leg. Robin watched him through lowered lashes, focusing her own attention on calming her galloping heart-rate. Her insides were doing all kinds of plate tectonics from the heat emanating from Barney and the bath as well as that being caused by the intimacy of the their situation. When the loofah caressed the skin at the back of her left knee, she gritted her teeth. That was a particularly erogenous zone for her. What had possessed her to ask him to bathe her? This was not a good sign, stealing a glance at Barney under her lids, something inside her took a hold and she spoke without thinking.

"Sing or hum something for me Stinson."

Barney looked up at her, his eyes tormented and her own face softened tenderly, "Sing!"

Her eyes danced as she watched the wheels in his head turning, she knew exactly what he was thinking, B-Man doesn't do singing for chicks, but then again B-Man didn't half-strangle chicks either – well Robin hoped he didn't- and he had promised to do anything she wanted. B-Man was gonna have to hum or sing. She saw him sigh in resignation.

"This is a song for the ladies, but fellas listen closely," he intoned in a half-sing song voice.

Robin frowned, wondering where this was going.

"You don't always have to fuck her hard in fact sometimes that's not right… to do. Sometimes you've got to make some love and fucking give her some smoochies too," he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as he sang 'smoochies'.

Robin laughed silently, as Barney continued, "Sometimes you've got to squeeze, sometimes you've gotta say please… Sometimes you've to say hey, I'm gonna fuck you, softly. I'm gonna screw you gently."

He was getting into it now, losing some of his earlier reticence and Robin was enthralled by his singing voice, this guy was like a Mary Sue, was there anything he could not do well? Okay fine, he was no Bryan Adams but you could not accuse him of being tone deaf or terrible or even alright, he was good.

"What's your favorite posish, that's cool with me it's not my favorite but I'll do it for you. What's your favorite dish? I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from ZANZIBAR!" Barney and Robin both burst out laughing at this point.

He had washed both her legs up to thigh level and now was finishing up on her arms; they were both trying not to laugh as he continued to sing the dirty song. He nudged her forward and worked on her back noting the relaxed set of her shoulders as he rotated the loofah in small tidy circles, thoroughly scrubbing her.

"And then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly, and then I'll fucking bone you completely but then I'm gonna fuck you haaaaard! Haaaaard!" Barney finished off, holding the last two notes very long.

Robin leaned back in the tub and looked up at him tears streaming down her face in mirth. Barney chuckled gently bumping his fist to Robin's when she raised it out of the water.

"Who sang that," Barney asked knowingly.

Robin blinked once, nodding her head too, she was still laughing silently.

"Tenacious D," he replied.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and mouthed, 'Awesome'.

Barney nodded cockily, "Yeah, totally. Now do you want me to get those delicious spots or do you want to do it?"

Robin blinked twice and then mouthed, 'You do it.'

Barney's eyebrow rose, "Okay Sparkles but I'm not to blame if you start to self-lubricate."

She cupped some bath water in both hands and drenched his face with it. He sputtered in protest then grinned evilly. Picking up the loofah and the soap he lathered it purposefully. Robin realizing she was in danger made to get up but a well placed hand on her shoulder stopped her.

"Unh-huh, not so fast! You said you wanted me to get those hard to reach places and so I will."

Robin forced herself to relax. Baring her teeth at him in what she could pass for a breezy smile. Barney stifled a guffaw and gently started soaping her collarbone; he shut the door on his guilt because her bruises were staring at him accusingly.

Barney's hands were past her navel at this stage and letting the loofah float, he slid his fingers in her folds and detachedly washed her. Robin's eyes glowed in her face that had drained of color, how the Hell was she supposed to remain unaffected while he washed her in the most private of places? She raised her eyes up to his the same second she spread her legs a little wider and moaned, color blooming in her face simultaneously.

Robin leaned in towards him and pressed hungry lips to his, effectively cutting off whatever he had just been about to say. Barney used his tongue to mirror the actions of his fingers under the water. Robin growled, biting his lower lip in excited frustration, within seconds she was climaxing, her breath coming out in short, and harsh puffs. She broke away from him too overwhelmed with sensations and buried her face in his collarbone, her hands clinging damply to him.

With a sigh she leaned back in the tub, and smiled at him like the cat that had got all the cream. Barney picked up the bottle of shampoo and opened it, scooping some water into his hands he gently poured it over her hair. She leaned forward so he could wet the rest of it. He lathered the sable strands and started singing another song.

"I rode my bicycle past your window last night, I rollerskated past your door at daylight. Oh it seems to me that you're avoiding me…"

Robin cracked up, he was such a clown!

---------xxx

After her bath, Barney blow-dried her hair then rubbed lotion all over her body, massaging the cream into her skin with a gentle efficiency that made Robin moan. She could not remember the last time her body had been so pampered. When he worked the lotion into her butt and hips any resolutions Robin had made to torture him with a touch of blue balls went up in smoke with her shoving him backwards on the floor where he was kneeling and attacking him with all her pent up frustrations. Barney chuckled into the clouds of sandalwood scented hair as she took charge of the situation.

The rest of the day was spent with Robin in Barney's bed while he waited on her hand and foot. Bringing her books, magazines, going out to get her butterscotch flavored frozen yoghurt and in the evening playing with her hair so she could fall asleep. He left her to sleep in his bed and found himself awkwardly trying to get comfortable in hers. As he thought about the day's events he found himself succumbing to the Sandman with a lightness to his heart that had been missing since the 'Strangling Incident'.

-----------------------------xxxx

"Wow Robin what's that?"

James asked as Robin unwrapped her scarf, revealing her bruised neck.

"Oh you know, your brother's really buying into the whole marriage thing, tried his hand at a little wife-beating."

Everyone's faces registered shock, Barney's colored in shame.

"Joke! No, too soon? Okay maybe later," she finished off lamely.

Robin waved a hand in the air dismissively, "I was kidding! What actually happened was Barney was having a nightmare and I tried to wake him up. He was still asleep and he just clamped his hand around my neck. I slapped him, he woke up and now he's been pretty much walking around like a former Nazi prison guard, apologetic, ashamed and feeling guilty."

The silence continued to reign, James was glowering at his brother and Barney was wound tighter than a violin string, she could imagine the sound of him snapping with a twang.

Robin felt herself panic, "But its okay, I know it wasn't intentional and that first response was my attempt at making light of it… heh heh… umm… Canadian humor?"

She rubbed her hand up and down Barney's arm, giving him a tender apologetic smile. Barney just stared at her then turned back to look at his brother and Tom, his own hand subconsciously reaching up to cover Robin's roving hand.

James and Tom carefully studied the pair, they were both tentatively satisfied that it must have just been an accident so they quickly deduced it was best to be just as blasé as Robin was being.

"Oh! Well that's it! You Canadians! No sense of comic timing… or fashion!" James chided playfully.

"Well except for Mike Myers and Jim Carrey," Robin informed them matter-of-factly.

"Oh yeah that's right, but aren't they American citizens now," James queried.

"And Jim Carrey's got no comic timing he just acts really crazy and stretches his rubber face everywhere," Tom corrected.

"But he dresses nice! They both do, whenever they're on a talk show they look really… snazzy," Robin protested defensively.

"Snazzy!? Please, no one can accuse either of those two clowns of having any fashion sense!" Barney added, finally joining in.

Tom and James started talking over each other in agreement trying to get the first derisive remark about Mike Myers' fashion sense, in before Barney.

Robin rolled her eyes in irritation at yet more Canada-bashing but when she saw how relaxed Barney was now, she found herself smiling to herself, glad that it finally looked like he was going to get past this whole thing and hopefully stop treating her like she was going to break.

-------------xxx

Author's P/N: Lyrics to 'Fuck Her Gently' belong to Tenacious D and lyrics to the 'Rollerskate Song' are not mine either.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 – Things I'll Never Say**

Barney slid into their regular booth at MacLaren's and fumbled around in his suit jacket, producing two passes and waving them in the air with a fanfare.

"Ta da! What? What am I holding in my hand? Glad you ask Lily!"

Lily grinned indulgently at Barney as he gave her one pass and the other to Robin.

"These are two subs for classes at the Krav-Maga Center here in New York," Barney explained as Lily and Robin read the bold print.

Lily raised a questioning eyebrow, which rocketed even higher when she noticed that Robin did not look as confused as she.

"It came to my attention the other night that you two ladies, fine and foxy as you are live in New York City, the greatest city in the greatest country in the world but not exactly the lowest in violent crime related incidents. So… I've paid for you guys to take classes in the fine Israeli martial arts of self-defence using anything and everything at your disposal."

Marshall and Ted sat down at the booth right then and they each took a pass from the girls, reading the aggressive lettering on the passes with slightly impressed expressions on their faces.

"Yeah that's right Marshall, Ted, our women are going to learn to kick ass like the deadliest Israeli Defence Forces female soldiers. Its 2009 guys time to move out of the '50s where men did all the protecting. And come on who are we kidding, Robin's halfway there with all her gun toting shenanigans."

"Wow Barney thanks! I've always wanted to be a kick-ass chick! Robin we'll be like the '_Charlie's Angels_' but real!" Lily gushed excitedly.

Marshall and Ted picking up on the '_Charlie's Angels_' mention started to spin fantastic scenarios where Robin and Lily would become vigilantes saving New York from nefarious characters.

"Yeah Barney… thanks," Robin echoed softly, her eyes communicating that she understood why he was doing this and she appreciated it.

Barney smiled at her apologetically for a second before the smile brightened and he looked around the booth with self-satisfaction then weighed in on the '_Charlie's Angels_' fantasy, turning it into a dirty, sexual inappropriate conversational topic.

-----------xxx

"So you and Robin have been living together for almost 3 weeks, how's it going?" Lily probed.

Robin, Ted and Marshall were arguing over jukebox selections leaving Barney and Lily sitting across from each other in the booth.

"It's great, why?"

"Well… Barney you're still in love with her so it must be harder to keep it a secret when you guys are living together."

"Maybe for other mere mortal types but I'm a God among men Aldrin and there really is no problem. Besides, I'm over that whole being in love with Robin thing." Barney waved a hand dismissively.

Lily frowned sceptically, "Really?"

"Yeah really."

"So it was purely my imagination that saw you totally lose your cool the other day when Ted mentioned Benjamin-Bratt lookalike?"

"Uh… yeah."

Lily opened her mouth to say more but she shut it again when Robin and Ted walked back over to the booth.

"So Marshall pulled his 'I'm 6ft 4 and could squash you with one swat of my freakishly large hand' card and told us to go sit down while he picked the songs… I can't wait until we take this class Lil' then I'll totally kick his ass if he talks any smack." Robin said as she sat down next to Barney.

Lily shrugged, her sharp eyes watching their body language as Robin sat very close to Barney, her body slightly turned towards him. Barney threw her a look that told her to stop it and cracked a joke about how Robin was more likely to be an Uma Thurman in '_Kill Bill_' type of kick ass chick as opposed to the PG-13 '_Charlie's Angels_'. That launched a new discussion about which characters they would all be, Barney naturally calling dibs on being Bill himself.

-----------------xxxx

Robin studied her neck in the mirror, the bruises were almost completely gone, a few faint marks remained but a little concealer did the trick. On Sunday at brunch, Tom had suggested arnica cream, giving Robin a tube. When they got home Barney had smacked his forehead in dismay; he had forgotten that he had some arnica in the medicine cabinet.

Robin had merely shaken her head at his antics, ordering him to rub it into her skin then rub 'something else' before she went to bed.

She thought back to how the 'Strangling Incident' had allowed her to see yet another facet of Barney's character. He had been so caring, so gentle, so careful not to do anything to displease her that she had found her heart doing odd flip flops whenever he was around, solicitously serving her food, providing a running commentary of dirty humor while they watched 60 minutes and the news, fluffing her pillows for her and bathing her. Robin smiled to herself as she thought of how Barney had ended up in the tub with her the second time he bathed her. It was that damn sensitive spot behind her left knee.

After brunch on Sunday, Robin had refrained from bringing up the nightmare incident with their friends, explaining to Barney when he looked at her with questioning eyes, that she did not think it was anybody else's business and the only reason she had shown his family was because she did not want Barney to see it as some dirty secret. Besides, it was perfectly normal for human beings to have nightmares and fears. He had simply looked away then turning his attention back to her had quipped, "Wanna see what else human beings have Scherbatsky?" Robin had laughed, happily obliging him, they were going to get past this and whatever else may happen their Bro-ship had been strengthened because of what Robin liked to congratulate herself for; practical Scherbatsky-style handling of the situation. Also known as avoiding the issue and allowing sex to substitute talking about anything that might be unpleasant.

Her phone rang, and Robin nearly shouted for Barney to pick it up but then she remembered he was away on business again. She was alone in the apartment. By the time she located it in the living room it had stopped ringing. She looked at the call log and cursed under her breath when she realized it was an 'unknown caller'. Then the house phone rang and Robin ran to pick it up.

"Hello?!"

"Robin! You're home!" Barney exclaimed from the other end.

"Hey Barney, how's your trip going!?"

"Meh… its work so you know… What's going on, you're at home on a Friday night," Barney asked in a fake-casual voice.

Robin smiled, realizing that he was probably worried that she was still not feeling well or something. She walked back into her bedroom and turned down the covers. Pausing in front of the mirror, she grimaced at the sight of the bags under her eyes.

"I'm just about to go to bed, tomorrow's my first day at Channel 12, remember?"

"I know that Scherbatsky, that still doesn't explain why you aren't out with the gang."

Balancing the phone between her ear and shoulder, Robin started to rub night cream on her face.

"'Cause I have to be up at stupid o'clock in the morning and I'm nervous, Barney." Robin's tone was a combination of irritated and sarcastic.

"Aha! Now we're getting to the good stuff… tell me more about your insecurities and how they relate back to your domineering father…"

"Barney!"

"I'm kidding… well sort of."

Robin could hear the smile in his voice over the phone; she caught her reflection in the mirror and saw that she was grinning like an idiot. She scowled at it.

"Was there a point to this phone call Stinson?"

"Uh, letting you hear the awesomeness that is my voice before you go to bed is not a gift to be trifled with Scherbatsky. In fact there are women around the world that cry themselves to sleep every night because they don't have that honor… True story."

Robin rolled her eyes, but stifled a giggle, turning back to her bed she crawled on it, briefly pulling the phone from her ear as she tried to get comfortable. She grunted at the effort.

"Now that sounds more like it."

"I'm trying to get comfortable in my bed, Barney."

"You're already in bed!?"

"Yeah, you called just before I put on some night cream."

"Oh… bags under your eyes?"

"How'd you know?"

"Uh… we live together Sparkles, you only put night cream on your face when you've got bags under your eyes which is crazy, you should use night cream every day, the skin on your face is a precious jewel that you-"

"Oh here we go again, yeah, yeah, I know, I'll never get the youthful suppleness in my skin if I mistreat it…. Anything else you big girl?"

"Well as a matter of fact, I was going to say that there is this miracle stuff they sell at a local drug store in England, it's been proven to be the best stuff around and it's only like $40."

"Really?"

"Yes really, now if you're nice to me I could bring you some."

"So you're in London?"

"Not exactly."

Robin frowned, "Okaaay…"

"Anyways enough chit-chat, but Sparkles seriously… you don't have to try and pick a fight or be cranky so I stay on the line longer. I've been told many a time I have the voice of a most gifted orator."

"Okay, what?"

"If you wanna fall asleep to the sound of the Barnacle not only is it perfectly understandable it's natural… also it's obvious and expected that you're missing me."

"I am not!" Robin winced the minute her retort passed her lips.

That had been way too fast a response; all it did was lend credence to Barney's insane theory. He'd only been gone three days, it would be crazy to miss someone after such a short interlude.

Barney chuckled on the other end, making Robin see crimson red. Instinctively, she hung up on him. Smiling evilly to herself as she envisaged his face when he realised what had happened.

Snuggling into the covers, she pillowed her head on her hands with a wide grin on her lips; that should pull him down a peg or two. Imagine the cheek of that man, suggesting that she had missed him.

After a few minutes Robin's euphoria wore off and she realized that sleep was as elusive as clear photographs of Marshall's Loch Ness monster. Damn Barney Stinson! She did not miss him! He had only been gone for 3 full days anyway, why the Hell would that make her feel as if something was missing? And even if she had caught herself feeling that way at lunch with Lily yesterday, that was only because she knew that she would be coming back to an empty apartment. It was natural for her to miss the presence of another human being in the apartment, it had nothing to do with the fact that the human being in question was Barney, did it? Of course not! And even thinking about it was giving the smug bastard way too much credit. She had a job to do tomorrow morning!

She threw herself down onto the mattress and punched her pillow angrily, damn lumpy thing!

Two hours, three glasses of warm milk and one chapter of Charles Dickens', 'Great Expectations' later, Robin was still wide awake and her mood was fouler than a Texan thunder-storm.

Her phone beeped with a text message, she grabbed it, angrily wondering who was crazy enough to SMS her at 12 midnight. Barney.

'_I'm going to attribute the break in our connection on unreliable Moroccan telephone services. Any other explanation .._'

Robin rolled her eyes and biting her lip, messaged back, '_Whatever helps you sleep at night Stinson._'

A few minutes later he phone beeped again, '_You're still awake! Get some sleep Sparkles!_'

'_I'm trying but my annoying roommate keeps texting me._'

Robin sat up in bed, eagerly waiting to see what he would say to that, she did not have to wait long.

'_Hmm, lie to yourself all you like Scherbatsky… your Shoppers Drug Mart $8.99 night cream won't be able to hide the truth in the a.m._'

Robin half snorted half grunted, as she wrote back.

'_Blow me._'

Barney replied, '_When I get back._'

Robin let out a short laugh, her bad mood completely gone.

'_When is that again?'_

His reply came back in less than a minute.

'_Will be back middle of next week. Now enough, get some sleep Sparkles!_'

"I'm trying it's just not working!" Robin complained out-loud to the empty room.

She texted back, '_Drank half a gallon of warm milk and tried reading 'Great Expectations', obviously neither worked._'

Barney replied, '_Milk = the Marrieds, Dickens = the Mosby._'

Robin laughed as she read his message to herself, then sent her own reply.

"_True._'

Barney's next text arrived in seconds, '_Ask yourself what would the B-Man do?_'

Robin was typing as she thought of a response, '_Something raunchy involving a dumb blonde._'

He replied, '_If it was just insomnia, yes. If its nerves… that also works, you could also 'read a magazine' B-Man style._'

Robin smiled at this message; gazing at the text wistfully she realized she did miss him. Lying back in her dishevelled bed she stared up at the dark ceiling and wondered what new level of fucked-up-ness this brought her to. Her phone beeped again.

'_Seriously Sparkles, you need some shuteye. Sometimes it helps to surround yourself with something comfortable and familiar. Or friends, that's why I was surprised you weren't at the bar._'

Robin felt her heart-strings tug at this message. When it came to emotions, Barney had a very strict policy against self-incrimination. Robin knew all about his policy because he had expounded for a whole hour on that very subject. If it was anybody else the last text would not mean very much but this was Barney, and this text which could be interpreted to show weakness could be used as incriminating evidence at some future date. The man behind the awesome mask was communicating to her from North Africa, putting himself on the line for anyone smart enough to see it. Taking a deep breath she decided to message him back something honest too.

'_Was at the bar but left early, was a bit dry tonight without you. I wanna hear more about 'reading a magazine' B-Man style._'

'_Yeah you do! Naughty Sparkles! Okay, in order to really get you in character, you're going to have to put on pyjamas and get into my bed… yeah I did._'

Robin frowned good-humoredly as she tried to get the pun; her fingers flew on the keypad.

'_Lame Barney._'

'_What you talking about? Those silk tuxedo pyjamas are awesome, now if you wanna get some sleep, do as I say!_'

Robin shook her head, the phone beeped again.

'_Now Scherbatsky… geez._'

Robin rolled her eyes and got out of her bed, carrying the phone with her she strode into his room. Switching on the light, it hit her how much the room smelt like Barney. Maybe by design or maybe it was just a coincidence but she had not been in there since he left. She took a couple steps towards the bed and looked around for his pyjamas. Her phone beeped.

'_Third drawer from the top in dresser._'

"Alright Stinson, this is getting weird, if you've got some remote camera watching me you are so dead!" Robin half-yelled, half-chuckled at the empty room.

She tossed her phone on the bed and went to the dresser, opening the drawer she located the pyjamas. Making a face at the stiff and shiny fabric, she threw the offensive articles on the bed. Hands on hips she stared at the pyjamas in horrified delight. The light on her phone blinked as her phone beeped.

'_I know, a sartorial masterpiece isn't it?_'

Robin grinned as she replied, '_Not even close._'

'_Please! Okay Negative Nelly, put them on._'

Robin started to message him a protest when another message came through.

'_Trust me Scherbatsky._'

With a sigh, Robin threw the phone back on the bed and then raking one last doubtful eye over the pyjamas, she also cast a suspicious look around the room for a blinking LED light that would indicate she was being filmed. Satisfied that Barney hadn't reinstated the cameras she had made him get rid of, Robin took off her clothes and put Barney's on. At least nobody was here to see her do this. When she was done, her phone beeped.

'_Now turn off the light and get into bed._'

Robin shuffled awkwardly in the stiff material, after switching off the light she shuffled towards the bed. The phone beeped.

'_Careful not to wrinkle it._'

Robin's fingers flew on the keypad, '_Dude you're being a Ted._'

She knew Barney would immediately understand she meant he was being obnoxious. He got her like that, she thought with a proud grin.

'_Sorry, feel free to crease and destroy the tuxamas, I'm rich, I can get another pair._'

Robin chuckled as she got into the bed, delighting in the sound of the material wrinkling as she burrowed under the covers.

'_Feels weird to say this but, are you in?_'

Robin beamed at the phone; she found that the minute she had drawn the covers over her body she had already started to feel drowsy.

'_Yes I am and weird but I'm feeling sleepy already._'

'_Too bad, we were about to get to the good stuff! Maybe next time. Good night Sparkles and break a leg, I know you'll be awesome._'

Robin smiled tiredly at the screen, '_Thanks Barney… Night…or morning or whatever it is on your side._'

The phone beeped again, '_It's morning and am in meeting with King of Morocco, gotta go but msg me if need to, phone's on silent._'

Robin felt a warmth flood through her as she was struck once again by what a great friend Barney was. Her fingers and eyelids were feeling far too heavy for her to reply so she let her fingers curl around the phone and fell asleep.

----------------------xxx------------

A/N: After the hash C&B made of our OTP this season, I thought we could do with some B/R connectedness. What did y'all think? Press that button!!


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